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The Week’s Most Humans Impersonated, Vagistan Regerminated, and Nigerians Exterminated Headlines
STORMFRONT IN A TEACUP
The Daleks are a hideous, manipulative, and inhuman alien species who ruthlessly exploit the weaknesses of all other known races in the universe in order to thereby get precisely whatever they want from them. So are Nigerians.
Joshua Aderemi is an African immigrant living in the U.K. who has just brought an employment tribunal against Alan Wordsworth, his white boss at a care company for the mentally disabled (it takes one to care for one), for supposedly threatening him with genocide during an in-office performance assessment review. Wordsworth’s mistake was to bring a Doctor Who coffee mug to the meeting, carrying a cartoon image of a Dalek accompanied by the comedy catchphrase slogan “You may think that I am listening to you, but in my head I am about to EXTERMINATE someone!”
At his tribunal, Aderemi argued that this amounted to both a “health and safety detriment,” and a severe slight against his race, which made him fear being exterminated on the spot, too. However, the presiding judge ruled this was unlikely to be Wordsworth’s conscious intention, the true probable function of his mug being that he “uses it to drink tea and coffee out of while at work.”
Giving testimony in court himself, Wordsworth confirmed this opinion under oath. “I would never use a mug bearing the highly racially loaded word ‘EXTERMINATE!’ to intimidate my black employees,” he explained. “Only ever the Jewish ones.”
THE SEX FILES
A better legal tactic for Aderemi to have adopted may have been to self-ID as being a literal extraterrestrial himself, thereby claiming discrimination on the grounds his fellow ETs the Daleks were being depicted in a prejudicially negative manner on his employer’s tea mug. He may have been able to successfully argue his case by reference to a new scientific study, which surprisingly “has not yet undergone peer review,” from leading researcher Dr. Max Rempel of the DNA Resonance Research Foundation, hypothesizing that numerous human beings are carrying full-blown alien genes around inside their bodies without their conscious knowledge.
“LaWhore Vagistan is really a man named Kareem Khubchandani; he’s safe from deadnaming because nobody can even spell it.”
After comparing the genomic patterns of more than 500 families, Dr. Rempel found “large sequences” of DNA in eleven sets of children that did not appear to match those of their parents. Instead of concluding it all probably just came from Boris Johnson, Rempel felt that female abductees who thought they had been impregnated normally by their husbands had actually suffered “alien insertions” after being abducted aboard spaceships during the night.
This may have led the consequent “hybrid children,” part human, part Grey, to develop special mental qualities like telepathy, ADHD, and autism, the doctor guessed. “We need to consider how much alien hybridization is healthy for the planet, and to which alien races we might give priority,” he said. Joshua Aderemi already thinks he knows the answer to that one. It’s Nigerians.
THIRD WORLD WHORE
Another exceedingly fake nonhuman individual who walks among us is Pakistani drag queen LaWhore Vagistan, who has just been appointed to teach classes about the camp TV cross-dressing contest RuPaul’s Drag Race at Harvard “University.” How can an Ivy/Ivan League college possibly justify teaching students about RuPaul? By pretending the whole thing is actually an intensely important and sophisticated course in something called “RuPaulitics.”
Although he prefers the pronouns “she” and “auntie,” LaWhore is really a man named Kareem Khubchandani; he’s safe from deadnaming because nobody can even spell it. Images of the extremely orange-hued LaWhore make the noted academic in the field of “theater, dance and performance studies” (i.e., musical theater) strongly resemble an Oompa-Loompa prostitute. Whenever he spreads his legs and anus, he actively re-creates the partition of India.
If LaWhore genuinely is going to be teaching Harvard scholars international geopolitics via the medium of RuPaul, they are going to come away with some very strange ideas about the Indian subcontinent, which he seems to think is actually a gigantic Vedic vagina in disguise. If any male readers out there have ever been told by a disappointed lover, “You couldn’t find my G-spot on a map!” then LaWhore has a great solution: Just point to the Maldives.
In a now-viral interview with Johns Hopkins University Press that was supposed to be about “sexually active Disney characters” (Donald Fuck? Aladdinsideher?), LaWhore instead chose to explain how:
“I see the subcontinent as one, big, beautiful Vag…istan. Close your eyes and visualize it: India is the uterus-vagina, Pakistan and Bangladesh are the ovaries, Afghanistan, Nepal, Burma, and Bhutan are the fallopian tubes, and Sri Lanka is a little floating labia.”
Where’s the clitoris gone? Maybe a Pakistani imam chopped it off and burned it. But no, LaWhore is a committed anti-colonialist thinker, and it was actually white European invaders who cruelly performed FGM upon the region, Harvard’s latest genius suggests, not any innocent brown Muslims. “I’m trying to suture together the subcontinent after the British, French, and Dutch committed their acts of Female Genital Mutilation” against it, the queer “surgeon” brags.
By performatively sewing the racially torn vagina back together within his very person while prancing about in costume, LaWhore explains how he reunites India and Pakistan into one gigantic whole (or hole) again by becoming an embodied human personification of Vagistan, like Uncle Sam is of America. That this also makes him into a cunt so large he can quite literally be seen from space appears not to cross his mind.
LaWhore’s main drag innovation is to adopt the onstage persona of a dirty auntie, one of his most notable “research” papers being 2020’s “Between Aunties: Sexual Futures and Queer South Asian Auntie Porn,” which, an online abstract tells us, is all about “a large body of pornography that features fat, older, South Asian women” like Shabana Mahmood engaging in explicit lesbian acts. In it, “the author scavenges a selection of queer auntie porn from South Asian diasporic novels to demonstrate…how sex between aunties exists in continuum with archetypal auntie attributes like cooking and gossip.” Lots of finger food and licking each other’s bowls clean, presumably?
Skeptical critics may think with this “woman” Harvard has employed the Auntie-Colonialist Auntie-Christ, but if LaWhore really wants to get ahead at the woke-ruined institution these days, he should try rebranding himself as a new comedy character called Auntie-Semitic. It worked well enough for Claudine Gay, for a time.
CANDACE CAMERA
Another thoroughly fake First Ladyboy of a certain age who just won’t quit our headlines at the moment is Brigitte Macron, whose defamation case against Candace Owens for calling her a secret tranny continues interminably.
The latest news is that Brigitte now intends to prove she really is female by providing a hopefully strong-stomached judge with indisputable “photographic evidence” of the fact. What of?
Thomas Clare, Brigitte Macron’s lawyer, said that, although flashing full-on close-up Hindu Bush Region photos of her Vagistan to a courtroom may seem a bit extreme, it is a burden Brigitte is bravely willing to bear. No matter how embarrassing the detail needed to demonstrate her true femininity, Brigitte would be willing to provide it. If “opening herself up” in public was “what it takes to set the record straight,” said Clare, then his client was more than willing to do so. Surely she shouldn’t have to go that far?
To Owens, the very fact that Brigitte will not confess that she is male is in fact just further proof that she really is a man, as men will never publicly admit when they are wrong, even when their mistaken claims are self-evidently ridiculous.
By that logic, surely Candace Owens is a man in drag herself?
RUSSIAN BOTS
Why are there so many fake humans all across the West at the moment? Vladimir Putin’s close friend Mikhail Kovalchuk, head of a Russian nuclear research institute, thinks he has the answer: Western leaders are planning to wipe out the great mass of Europe and America’s ordinary citizenry by turning them all queer and trans like LaWhore Vagistan, before unleashing a deadly plague (presumably AIDS 2.0) on them to depopulate the globe.
Then, the plebs culled, elite power brokers like Joe Biden and Tony Blair will be able to sit back safely and have their every need ministered to by a new, mechanically engineered race of obsequious humanoid slave-bots. Surely men like Biden and Blair already have such a helot race of compliant, mannequin-like slave-bots anyway, though, right? They’re called the media.
VOTE FOR THE PENG-WINNING CANDIDATE
Perhaps certain global leaders are already Transformers-style robots in disguise? Japan has gained its first-ever female prime minister, Sanae Takaichi, a huge Margaret Thatcher fan who seeks to become known as her nation’s very own “Iron Lady.” But “Iron Lady” could just be a euphemism for a robot with breasts, couldn’t it?
Like so many boring contemporary politicians, Takaichi has sought to portray herself as being more human than the average bureaucrat. But her attempts are strangely unconvincing. Eager to demonstrate her characteristically human-seeming love of rock music, Takaichi suspiciously said she had once been in a “heavy metal” band, while her oddly nonspecific claim to be the child of “an office worker” is doubtless just a cover-up for the fact that her dad was a photocopier.
A more openly electronic Japanese politician has been lately unveiled as the new leader of the fringe Path to Rebirth party—an AI-generated chatbot penguin. The party’s human leader Koki Okumura decided he was unfit for the job, so he stepped down and appointed a computerized penguin to the role instead, officially declaring himself its supervisory “assistant” to dodge around bizarre Japanese laws saying anyone seeking public votes must be a “natural person” and not a mere humanoid impostor. Being powered by AI, Okumura thinks his pet penguin will be able to make better-informed, more rational decisions than any paltry person ever would.
This may sound like yet another stereotypical “Hahaha, Mad Japanese!” story, but, given the excessive focus upon saving our planet’s melting polar ice caps from supposedly imminent global warming catastrophe, it seems entirely possible every other First World country’s governments are surreptitiously being run by penguins behind the scenes at the moment as well. Next thing you know, Candace Owens will be subpoenaing Brigitte Macron to show us her flippers.
THE HUMAN RACIST
What does it even mean to be a human being right now? U.K.-based documentary maker and “mixed-race dude” Ben Zand, creator of the new online series Human, thinks he knows the answer: being really miscegenated like he is.
Of Iranian descent, Zand is nicknamed “The Prince of Persia” after a popular videogame character. Married to highly pixelated CNN journalist Isobel Yeung, Ben says his consequent 8-bit globo-baby is “English, Iranian, Chinese, Scottish, [and] Irish.” Trotting the planet as “a global citizen” making his films, Zand observes how his child changes somewhat every time he gets back, as “it’s like they get little software upgrades every month.” Maybe all tomorrow’s deliberately deracinated Humanity 2.0 infants will pop out of iron oriental-manufactured wombs as software-upgraded robo-babies, too?
Ben has just finished visiting Kleinfontein, an all-white community in South Africa, surrounded by big gates to keep all the chimps out. Zand clearly expected to encounter a Boer Fourth Reich but instead discovered the evil Aryan Nazis were “so protective and kind to each other,” having selfishly created “a well-functioning area” with “plenty of green spaces” and “a brightly-colored playground for children to enjoy.”
Greatly disturbed, Zand now fears a similar appalling thing happening back home:
“I’m sure there’ll be British people trying to create whites-only towns. What they’ll do is buy a collection of houses with some friends who are the same race, then buy more, then put a gate around the community, and then suddenly they have a village. It’s not hard to do.”
Indeed it isn’t hard to do, because that is precisely what the non-whites have done to England’s second city of Birmingham over recent decades themselves. But whenever a white person points this fact out, unlike Zand, they are immediately accused of racism.
This very fate befell unfashionably pale-skinned Conservative Party politician Robert “Generic” Jenrick this week, when observing how he “didn’t see another white face” when visiting the giant imported subcontinental slum on business. That would be because the specific suburb he visited is currently 25 percent Pakistani, 23 percent Indian, 10 percent Bangladeshi, 16 percent black, 10 percent mixed, and—trailing right behind in last place with a wooden spoon—only 9 percent white.
A complete and total Vagistan, in other words. In Great Britain, the aliens really are taking over. At least when the Daleks used to invade, frightened Brits could call upon the Doctor to save them from conquest. Now that all the Doctors in Birmingham are Pakistanis and Indians themselves, they don’t even have that last small hope.