Morrissey

Source: Charlie Llewellin

The Week’s Most Morrissey Threat, Jimmy Kimmel Regret, and Germans Must Never Forget Headlines

GUN SMITHS
“Oh, mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head…” So sang everyone’s favorite miserable Mancunian troubadour Morrissey back when still a member of 1980s English sad-rock giants the Smiths. Morrissey could feel the Cemetery Gates closing ominously around him once again this week when he felt the need to cancel some planned shows across North America after what was deemed “a credible threat on [his] life” in the immediate wake of the assassination of Charlie Kirk. What exactly did this “credible threat” say?

Steven Patrick Morrissey, when you perform at TD Place here in Ottawa next week on the evening of September 12th 2025 at about 9pm, I will be present at the venue in the audience and I will attempt to shoot you many times and kill you with a very large gun that I own illegally.

It is difficult to imagine Archduke Franz Ferdinand receiving any similar such message from Gavrilo Princip back in June 1914. If this was a “credible” threat, what precisely would a “non-credible” one have looked like?

Dear Morrissey,

Next week, I shall endeavor to kill you inside an igloo on the moon using a giant purple banana, which I own legally.

Yours,
Hulk Hogan

Mind you, perhaps that’s no more implausible than the average real-life present-day online death threat right now:

Dear Charlie Kirk,

Next week, I’m going to pointlessly shoot you dead through the throat with a large hunting rifle in front of your wife and kids because you believe men with penises can’t miraculously become women, but I do, because I’m currently fucking one and can’t accept that I’m just gay.

Yours,
Jimmy Kimmel’s Pathetic Idea of a “Nazi”

“Should Morrissey ever genuinely be shot dead, there are so many potential suspects.”

As this is the ACTUAL WORLD we all now live in, maybe Morrissey couldn’t help but be anything other than excessively careful here, especially considering that the Boy With the Quorn in His Side had upset so many potentially murderous minoritarian constituencies down the years with his well-known ultra-vegetarian leanings. Once having fled the stage when someone threw a sausage at him, Morrissey knows full well that Meat Is Murder, and that as such many would want to slice his own chops into mincemeat given the slightest opening.

Should Morrissey ever genuinely be shot dead, there are so many potential suspects. The Chinese, for example, whom he once labeled “a subspecies” due to the poor way they treat animals in zoos, or Muslims, whose practice of slitting the throats of live cows during halal slaughter he deems “evil.” Sure, they’re stunned unconscious when the knife wants to slit them, but for Morrisey calling this by the obfuscatory euphemism “humane slaughter” is akin to speaking of “humane rape” just because you happen to perpetrate such an act upon a Girlfriend in a Coma.

“If you eat animals, isn’t it a display of [racial] hatred for a certain species?” Morrissey once asked. “And what gives you the right to eat another species or race? Would you eat people from Sri Lanka?” Depends on which cheap Chinese takeaway you order your meat from.

So, with the Chinks and the Muzzers combined, that makes around 3.5 billion or so potential highly offended suspects for the cops to work their way through should Morrissey ever take a bullet to the floppy fringe for real.

Then again, it could always just be Johnny Marr.

KNOCK AND GUN
It seems that, following the death of Charlie Kirk, everyone’s out there getting themselves shot at the moment—it’s the latest cool fashion all across America! In Los Angeles, a new fad has broken out for kids in balaclavas smashing in householders’ doors with their feet, then running away, hoping to be chased for kicks. But, police have warned, many U.S. householders these days happen to be trans or trans allies, meaning if you kick them a new cat flap with your bovver boots, they might gun you dead on the doorstep inside thirty seconds with an AK-47 painted peacefully white, blue, and pink.

In Houston, such a tragedy has already occurred, with an 11-year-old boy named Julian Guzman having been shot to death in the back after ringing a 42-year-old man’s doorbell and running away. In justification, the householder just said he presumed he was a Jehovah’s Witness, and no more was said.

GOTT IN KIMMEL!
With Kirk dead, conservatives are looking for people to cancel for saying the wrong things about their departed hero, their No. 1 target being late-night chat-show titan (the “an” there is optional) Jimmy Kimmel. Kimmel’s show was temporarily taken off the air by ABC after Trump-friendly broadcasting regulators hinted this might be a good idea following Jimmy’s inaccurate on-air assertions that Kirk’s assassin was surely a deranged right-wing MAGA supporter, not a deranged left-wing habitual sucker of female penises, as later seemed more likely to be the case.

ABC is owned by Disney, some of whose biggest stars, like Mickey, Minnie, and many others even more Goofy, subsequently turned against Donald and urged a boycott of the corporation and its many broadcasting offshoots, like ESPN and Hulu, unless ABC did a full XYZ reverse turn and put Kimmel back on the air. Tatiana Maslany, apparent star of the Disney+ series She-Hulk: Attorney at Law, posted a message online telling viewers to “cancel your @disneyplus @hulu @espn subscriptions!” To which most viewers then immediately replied back, “We already did—straight after we watched the first episode of She-Hulk: Attorney at Law.”

Supposedly, the mass right-wing attempt to cancel Kimmel is yet another example of neo-Nazi Trumpian “fascism” in action, from a now suddenly cancellation-keen MAGA constituency dubbed the “woke right.” If Maslany doesn’t want to support people in any way historically associated with “Nazis,” maybe she shouldn’t have agreed to work for the Walt Disney Corporation.

GLASS EYES
Just about the only man not threatening to run around shooting all-comers this week is U.K. comedian Chris McCausland—and that’s only because he’s blind, so he couldn’t successfully hit anyone. Or could he? Thanks to the wonderful advances of computer technology, maybe he could now—just so long as said shooting happens not to be racially motivated.

McCausland initially ascended to fame on Britain’s version of Dancing With the Stars, where he performed a routine to the tune of “You’ll Never Walk Alone,” which was a nice way for Chris to honor his guide dog. However, McCausland is now trying to repurpose himself as a technology journalist and TV presenter, who took advantage of Meta’s launch of a new “smartglasses” product this week to get himself back in the headlines.

Modeled by Mark Zuckerberg wearing a thick, black-framed pair that had the unfortunate effect of making him resemble a pedophile version of Woody Allen (or just “Woody Allen,” according to Mia Farrow), these new Meta Glasses promise to enable AI to broadcast tiny images of child porn and illegal snuff videos in front of the wearer’s eyes 24 hours a day, or else provide other useful services via link to a smartphone. Illustrative footage shows a fashionably bestubbled young man looking at a tomato while a small caption pops up on his lenses saying words to the effect of “This is a tomato.” Why not just learn what a tomato is? It’s easier. It also doesn’t cost you $799 to do so.

Chris McCausland, however, has noticed a problem with similar AI-powered vision enhancers he already owns on his present-generation smartphone: They might be able to tell him things like “Look out, you’re about to bump into a pedestrian!” but they won’t tell him highly important demographic facts about said street walker, such as “They’re Chinese” or “They’re a tranny” or “They’re black, watch out, they might rob your smartphone.” Imagine if Stevie Wonder bought a pair, looked in the mirror, and came away thinking he was a fully sighted white Swedish female called Ulrika. What earthly use would that be?

Chris explains that, in an attempt by their programmers to be way too PC, AI-powered apps for the blind simply refuse to shout “BIG FAT LESBIAN!” at people nearby for overcautious Silicon Valley-bred fear of offending them.

To illustrate what he meant, McCausland jabbed his smartphone at African-heritage female BBC TV presenter Angellica Bell, whom it failed singularly to identify as being black, despite the fact she spelled “Angelica” with two “l”s, not one. As one media write-up of this scene later put it, “The technology described his interviewer as enthusiastically smiling and wearing a pin-striped outfit, but failed to mention she is black.”

With a prose style that professionally color-blind, the smartphone should start writing crime reports for The New York Times.

CRIMES AGAINST JEW-MANITY
If the new wave of smartglasses refuse to see race, one man who could do with wearing a pair is German businessman Hans Velten Reisch, who caused horror after putting up a sign in his Berlin shop window this week reading “JEWS are banned from here!!!! Nothing personal. No antisemitism. Just can’t stand you.”

How could such Krystallnacht-clear echoes of the Holocaust possibly have gone unnoticed by a resident in Germany, of all places? Lack of childhood education in schools must be the answer, at least in the estimation of Greta Thunberg. An all-time expert on killer gases, Greentard Greta has demanded the Holocaust be put onto school curriculums everywhere—as long as said curricula say the Jews were responsible for it. By this, of course, Greta means the Holocaust she thinks is currently playing out in Gaza, which she has described as “an occupation, an apartheid, ethnic cleansing,” which is “not at all what we have been taught in school” about it.

To rectify this didactic deficiency, Thunberg and her allies have since devised a new left-wing lesson plan, asking students to complete the educative quiz sheet below, identifying what does and what does not officially count as being genocide these days:

DEAD PALESTINIANS: GENOCIDE
DEAD TRANNIES: GENOCIDE
DEAD BLACK CRIMINALS: GENOCIDE
DEAD PLANET: GENOCIDE
DEAD JIMMY KIMMEL: GENOCIDE
DEAD JEWS: DEFINITELY NOT GENOCIDE
DEAD CHARLIE KIRK: KARMA

POP STAR OF DAVID
Israel isn’t welcome at the pan-continental Eurovision Song Contest these days, either, with Ireland threatening to boycott the next edition of the whole unwatchable shitfest if Tel Aviv is allowed to take part, due once again to the ongoing genocide Greta Thunberg told Micheál Martin is occurring in Gaza during their last meeting together at Davos.

Israel should never have been allowed to enter Eurovision in the first place, as the country is not in Europe, although paying attention to borders on maps never was the Israelis’ strong point. In retaliation, the Israelis have since threatened to withdraw from Eurovision themselves first anyway, in protest against the pro-Muslim white genocide going on against actual Irish people in Ireland at the hands of their own rulers, but the politicians in Dublin seem not to see the irony.

Israel’s best option now might be to enter Intervision, Vladimir Putin’s rival anti-Eurovision he has established for loyal Russian allies, where all the usual Eurotrash sequined gays and PVC-clad transsexual abominations are not allowed to enter. At the far more Orthodox Traditionalist Intervision, there will be “no perversions or affronts to human nature as we saw during the Olympics in Paris,” the Kremlin promised, which means Brigitte Macron will not be allowed to enter either—although, oddly enough for a contest with a strict “No Deviants!” policy, the inaugural edition was won by a Vietnamese gentleman named Duc Phuc. That’s the kind of forbidden interspecies union even Pepé Le Pew would deem beyond the pale.

But, if Israel does enter Putin’s next Intervision 2026, who could they possibly get to represent them, given how obsessively pro-Palestine 99 percent of the showbiz world is right now? Surely, just so long as he remains still alive, none other than Morrissey, one of Planet Rock’s very few out-and-proud pro-Zionist Judeophiles, would make the perfect choice.

Averse to Muslims and refusing to eat any pork, he’s already 90 percent Israeli anyway.