J.K. Rowling
Source: John Mathew Smith & www.celebrity-photos.com
The Week’s Most Father Ted, Breast Owners Misled, and Vote for the Dead Headlines
TREATY OF WEST-FAILURE
Hoping to win looming local elections in the German state of North Rhine Westphalia, no fewer than six anti-immigration AfD Party candidates have gone for the public sympathy vote via the most extreme means possible—by suddenly dying. While some simply applauded their commitment, others argued the spate of simultaneous deaths was “statistically almost impossible,” implying the politicians may have been murdered.
If so, by whom? The logical supposition may be “by immigrants,” but you won’t hear this theory being aired by candidates from any other German party—because, in the run-up to the vote, every single other mainstream outfit, led by the supposedly center-right CDU, solemnly promised to only ever describe “people with a migration background living among us” in positive terms. Problem is, doing so plausibly may pose a challenge for even the most silver-tongued of lying politician. This summer alone, we have seen stories like these…
NEGATIVE NEWS: When disgracefully asked to pay for their cornets by a clearly Islamophobic ice-cream shop owner in Hof, three Syrian brothers went on the rampage with a metal pole, smashing furniture and attacking staff and customers, including a 10-year-old girl.
POSITIVE SPIN: The ice-cream parlor successfully destroyed, that greedy and vulgar 10-year-old German girl now won’t be able to endanger her future health by recklessly consuming its hazardous, sugar-laden products and getting fat like Frau Merkel: especially given that she probably now has to suck all her food permanently through a 5mm straw.
NEGATIVE NEWS: A male Indian nurse has gone on trial in Frankfurt accused of drugging helpless female patients with sedatives following serious surgery before sexually assaulting them in their own hospital beds.
“In order to pass your Duolingo German exams, you now effectively have to publicly declare that you think J.K. Rowling is a TERF.”
POSITIVE SPIN: This kind and thoughtful individual generously thought to render the beneficiaries of his attentions unconscious prior to performing his utterly understandable self-therapeutic acts, thus giving them nothing much to complain about, really. How many native white Teutonic rapists are this considerate? Josef Fritzl has a lot to learn.
NEGATIVE NEWS: A schizophrenic Iraqi migrant reportedly pushed a 16-year-old girl who had been allowed into Germany as a genuine asylum-seeker from the war in Ukraine under a freight train in Friedland, killing her instantly.
POSITIVE SPIN: This excellent human has innovatively reduced the number of immigrants living in the country by one, thus greatly lessening the burden on the overstretched German taxpayer. We thought that was what the voters wanted—come on, make your minds up, Fritz and Günther!
NEGATIVE NEWS: A rejected Guinean asylum seeker confessed to murdering a young CDU Party politician by blindfolding him and then slitting his throat before stealing his TV set and setting his corpse on fire in Brandenburg.
POSITIVE SPIN: This wonderful, diverse being killed a mainstream German politician. If more mad illegal immigrants can be persuaded to act similarly, then there will be no more white race-traitors left in positions of power to keep on letting any more of these non-white foreign maniacs in. Far from imprisoning this man, he should be encouraged to repeat his acts over and over and over again as a positive role model for all others to follow.
Actually, that last one might just be a wholly valid argument, when you stop to think about it…
LOST IN TRANS-LATION
Telling the truth will soon be utterly impossible for all future users of the German language, not just left-wing quisling politicians. The online language-learning app Duolingo sounds like some kind of obscure and deviant sexual practice, and it may indeed be so, for the Teach-Yourself-German version has just been revealed to be pointlessly promoting transgenderism.
When asked the question “Magst du die Bücher mit Harry Potter als Figur?” (“Do you like the books with Harry Potter as a character?”), Duolingo students were asked to choose the “correct” answer from the following options:
(1) “Ja, ich bin ein klein kinder.” (“Yes, I am a small child.”)
(2) “Ja, ich bin ein Ewachsene retard.” (“Yes, I am an adult retard.”)
(3) “Ja, ich bin ein Ewachsene Afghane Kinderliebe.” (“Yes, I am an adult Afghan pederast.”)
(4) “Ja, aber meiner Meinung nach ist die Autorin gemein.” (“Yes, but in my opinion the author is mean.”)
Unbelievably, the final choice there was the actual correct one (it was also the correct multiple-choice answer to “Do you like Mein Kampf?” but definitely not to “Do you accept the literal truth of the Koran?”). So, in order to pass your Duolingo German exams, you now effectively have to publicly declare that you think J.K. Rowling is a TERF.
How does the app teach gendered nouns in the language, one is led to wonder? Just tell users to make their own ones up, otherwise it’s a hate crime?
GUNMAN AND ROBIN
Duolingo certainly won’t be used in any American schools from now on, not since Donald Trump gave U.S. states a deadline of sixty days to “remove all references” to trans shit in their education materials or else lose federal funding, in an effort to protect children from “attempts to indoctrinate them with delusional ideology.”
This follows hot on the high heels of trans shooter Robin Westman (deadname Robert Westman; because he’s now dead, and that’s his name) killing two kids and wounding eighteen more at their school church in Minneapolis last month. Pro-trans activists have claimed the shooting has nothing to do with Westwoman’s mentally ill trans status or woke ideology, but the fact he painted messages like “I’m the Woker Baby, Why So Queerious?” on his rifle magazines prior to firing them off tends to suggest otherwise.
Nonetheless, lefties like The New York Times insist it is both morally wrong and inaccurate to call Rob a “trans terrorist” as “fixating on one aspect of a shooter’s identity” is just another means to spread hatred against a despised demographic. And, to be fair, when it comes to this issue, the NYT does consistently practice what it preaches: In all its extensive coverage of the similar crimes of Dylann Roof and Anders Breivik, the paper never ONCE stopped to mention that either man was white.
TED MAN WALKING
Robert/Robin Westman/Westwoman may not be a terrorist in the eyes of today’s gender-corrupt Establishment, but things are different for Graham Linehan, cowriter of the classic 1990s Anglo-Irish sitcom Father Ted, who was arrested this week by no fewer than five gun-toting British cops as soon as he stepped off an airplane flying into London from America. Hauled off to spend twelve hours in the cells on the supposed grounds of “inciting violence” and “treated like a terrorist,” Linehan was later admitted to hospital after nearly suffering a heart attack due to the stress.
His “crime” had been to tweet the following joke on X: “If a trans-identified male [i.e., a man] is in a female-only space, he is committing a violent, abusive act. Make a scene, call the cops, and if all else fails, punch him in the balls.”
You see how the joke works? Because, if these people really are “women,” they would have no balls to be punched in, thereby making the above act of violence physically impossible. So, when offended trans “women” subsequently contacted the cops complaining Linehan was “inciting violence” against their testicles, they have effectively been tricked into publicly admitting they are men after all, thus inadvertently “misgendering” their own selves: Graham Linehan should really report them to the police for it as a hate crime.
The Tedfather was eventually released on bail, but only on a single condition: that he not go on X anymore. Surely he could easily get around this by just self-identifying as using XY instead.
FALSE MAMMARY SYNDROME
One British politician who approves of Linehan’s totalitarian treatment is the newly elected leader of the U.K. Green Party, Zack Polanski, who quickly (ab)used his new political platform to condemn Linehan’s “totally unacceptable tweets,” adding, “I think it was proportionate to arrest him.”
Polanski is a fanatical pro-trans ally who believes you can change your gender just by wishing it—no surprise, given he is an ex–Harley Street psychotherapist who has previously claimed it is possible to enlarge your breast size just by wishing it, too. Past successful clients of Polanski in this innovative self-presentational field include Pamela Anderson, Raquel Welch, and Gov. Chris Christie.
Older men with the surname Polanski usually prefer young girls to sport enticingly small and flat breasts in the bath, not large protruding ones, but Zack is different. Although he now suddenly denies ever teaching that your brain can balloon your bra size, a special 2013 investigation called “TIT-NOTISED!” by U.K. tabloid The Sun suggests otherwise. An undercover female journalist with withered danglers was told in Polanski’s consulting room that mental breast augmentation was “so safe and a lot cheaper than a boob job.” Simply imagining you have just received a liver transplant would also no doubt be far less fuss than having to undergo a real one, but no reputable physician would recommend that particular course of treatment.
As summarized by the hidden snoop, Polanski’s methodology sounded remarkably like what would later become trans ideology in general:
IMAGINE being able to change your body simply by thinking about it. All you have to do is close your eyes and relax while your unconscious takes over. Surely such wondrous magic is the stuff of fairytales—or is it?
Not anymore: It’s now the official position of the British Medical Council. But may such mesmeric wonders in fact be medically possible? Following her consultation, the amazed journalist reported growing her breast size from 32 inches to 36 inches in only ten days. How did it work?
During his hypno-sessions, Polanski had been “speaking to the part of the brain that controls growth hormones” and encouraging it to divert them toward the woman’s chest, while subliminally priming her to swallow lots of bananas, which luckily contain special breast-boosting vitamins. By a similar process of culinary reverse analogy, if a man eats lots of fat, juicy melons, will it make his penis grow? If so, it probably couldn’t get any larger than the one currently nestling on top of Dr. Polanski’s forehead.
However, what Dr. P has not considered are the findings of a 2021 scientific report claiming changes in climate have “directly contributed to changes in body size…throughout human evolution”; apparently, the colder it is, the smaller your body parts become, which is why it is impossible to ever successfully impregnate a snowman. As the eco-obsessed Green Party leader, Polanski must know this—so why is he covering it all up? Because he wants to make the planet cooler, not warmer, and, as far as election slogans go, “Vote Green and we’ll make your cock grow smaller!” probably wouldn’t have many takers.
Apart, perhaps, from a man named Geoffrey Baulcomb…
THE UNKINDEST CULT OF ALL
Baulcomb is a retired Church of England vicar jailed for three years this week for his role in a weird London body-modification cult led by Norwegian maniac Marius “The Eunuch Maker” Gustavson and his “right-hand man” David Carruthers. Queerer than queer, Gustavson self-identified not as a woman, but as a Chicken McNugget; for sexual arousal purposes, he “wanted to be legless, armless, deaf, and blind.” If he’d ever achieved this aim, he really would have needed a right-hand man.
Also keen on lopping off body parts was the Reverend Baulcomb, who was convicted for snipping away bits of other people’s penises with a pair of nail scissors.
If he wanted to do that kind of thing legally, why didn’t he just qualify as a rabbi, not a priest?
ARMS UNFAIR
Someone even less keen on arms than Marius Gustavson is London Caliph Sadiq Khan, who has objected to an international arms fair now taking place in his sacred domain. According to the mayor’s spokesman, Khan “is appalled that the capital is being used as a marketplace for those who wish to trade in weapons.” Unless they happen to be black immigrant gangsters from lands like Jamaica, Kenya, and Nigeria; then it’s just yet another positive example of diversity in action.
A new map of Caliph Khan’s collapsing, crime-ridden neo-Gotham with a banana drawn over the top purports to demonstrate that everywhere outside the fruit’s bendy confines is an urban hellhole full of knives, drugs, and unacceptably low house prices. Only within the banana is life middle-class enough to be capable of sustaining actual human living.
Yet Khan’s likely path to expanding the fruit’s benign compass is obvious: enlist Zack Polanski into hypnotizing the whole planet into wishing it to grow bigger and bigger until such a point as it engulfs the entire capital within one gigantic ripe yellow arc.
That’s the theory, anyway. In practice, there may be a problem: If you think there are too many black criminals in London today, just watch how many start flooding in once they see a big banana painted all over the city’s map.