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The Week’s Most Barbie-Is-Unclean, Robo-Womb-Machine, and Baby-in-a-Bean Headlines
TWILIGHT JONES
America’s most daring teller of (literally) unbelievable truths, Alex Jones, has been handed a harsh new Texan court ruling forcing him to sell the assets of his $1B Infowars conspiracy-theory empire.
The cash is intended to pay off parents angered by his false claims that their children had never really been gunned down by a maniac during the 2012 Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre; he thought they were all just child actors. If so, they were very good indeed at playing dead.
This all reopens the opportunity for satirical website The Onion to resurrect its long-held plans to buy Infowars and relaunch it as an absurdist lampoon of Jones-type conspiracy theories; but what would be the point? As we shall see, the real conspiracy theories out there today are already far beyond all possible parody anyway…
FALSE FAG EVENTS
First up, the idea that Barbie is part of a secret plot to turn you and your kids gay—every bit as gay as those stupid mincing “male cheerleaders” the Minnesota Vikings NFL franchise tried to push on their fans this week. Alex Jones claims to have discovered further secret rainbow plans to rebrand the San Francisco 49ers as the San Francisco 69ers, but that’s nothing compared with the queer pop-culture conspiracy unmasked in France last week.
An open-air showing of the very pink indeed 2023 Hollywood Barbie movie in Noisy-le-Sec, “a suburb of Paris with a large North African community,” has just been canceled, following violent threats from a mysteriously unidentified “extreme minority of thugs,” armed with what the authorities called “fallacious arguments reflecting obscurantism”—arguments like “This film is gay and if you try to show it we will smash up your projectors and kill you all in the name of Allah.”
Strangely, most mainstream French media have been utterly unable to guess which specific demographic these particular ideological obscurantists belonged to. Might it be possible to deduce the answer here? Let us, like typical careful Infowars users, examine the evidence.
“Alex Jones claims to have discovered further secret rainbow plans to rebrand the San Francisco 49ers as the San Francisco 69ers.”
Could they have been radical Jews? No, Jews like Barbie; they even have Barbie-Mitzvahs. What about neo-Nazis? No, Nazis like Barbie too: Klaus Barbie. That only leaves the Muslims, doesn’t it? Tellingly, dolls are said by many Islamic scholars to be forbidden in the faith as sinful graven images, although there is an exemption if the doll is headless. No problem there for the average Islamist.
Even more suspiciously, various Muslim nations, from Kuwait to Algeria, had already banned the Barbie movie for promoting “homosexuality and sexual transformation” among children. Likewise, Barbie dolls had been long prohibited in Iran, where, due to their alleged homo-producing properties, they were described as being “more harmful than an American missile.” Send planeloads of those to Ukraine instead, then, it’d be cheaper.
Surprisingly, alongside headless dolls, blow-up dolls are also considered religiously acceptable by some radical Islamic clerics—but only so long as they blow up inside a synagogue or on board an airliner. Or in the middle of an open-air showing of Barbie in the Greater Paris region, one may expect.
THE PARENT TRAP
Is Alex Jones secretly a Muslim too? When it comes to queer matters, he certainly seems to think like one, theorizing that “The reason there’s so many gay people now” is not only because of Barbie, but “because it’s a chemical warfare operation, and I have the government documents where they said they’re going to encourage homosexuality with chemicals so that people don’t have children.” Which chemicals in particular? Amyl nitrate?
In fact, the true method the depopulation fiends of the New World Order are going to abuse to ensure people “don’t have children” is to immediately arrest all adults foolish enough to do so. The first phase of this all-encompassing anti-natal NWO plan to criminalize fertility itself has just been implemented in New Jersey, where the Gauleiters of Gloucester Township Council have unveiled plans to fine the parents of any misbehaving child $2,000, or else imprison them for ninety days, following a mass teen brawl that took place there last year.
As actionable offenses under this new regime of Illuminati terror include such crimes as “drunkenness,” “begging,” and “indecent exposure,” it’s a good job Joe and Hunter Biden don’t live in Gloucester: Joe would be bankrupt already and serving a life sentence.
However, as other adolescent misbehavior that can get their elders imprisoned also includes such highly generic and ill-defined pseudo-offenses as “Being a disorderly person,” “Immorality,” and “Incorrigibility,” this gives absurdly near-infinite leeway to the N.J.-NWO Stasi to arrest absolutely any random parent they so desire.
Another new no-no for children, for example, is “Knowingly associating with thieves or vicious or immoral people.” But what if their own parents are themselves “thieves or vicious or immoral people”? Simply by going to visit his own dad, Hunter Biden would risk immediately condemning him to yet further cruel and unusual punishment.
BEANIE BABIES
An even more unethical child-related conspiracy took place in 2004, when British-Indian artist Anish Kapoor stole a newborn baby and sealed it away inside his Chicago-based sculpture Cloud Gate, popularly known as “The Bean,” a big leguminous blob of polished, mercury-like silvery metal resembling a kidney stone ejected by a vast Terminator, to see what would happen.
The imprisoned baby is now a 21-year-old man, whose sad, lonely existence has been exposed by a new conspiracy theory pressure group, “Man in Bean Coalition,” who gather around The Bean dressed in funereal black to hold protests demanding his release; they had considered campaigning to get Hamas to release all their Jewish hostages instead but ultimately considered this would be a bit more realistic.
The baby’s doom may sound an unlikely fate, but in 2021, the dead body of a man was discovered trapped inside the leg of a large dinosaur statue near Barcelona, so there is some precedent, and the Coalition are adamant their campaign is definitely not a joke.
If so, who might the man inside The Bean be? Odds on, it’s actually just a common-or-garden illegal immigrant, not a grown infant kidnap victim at all. Such indigents probably inhabit the hollow insides of spacious, Kapoor-style, abstract Modernist public statuary all across the United States these days, as a conveniently surreptitious form of free housing. Beans within beans: It’s like Russian dolls. Or maybe Russia is the wrong enemy state to mention…?
CHINESE WOMB ARGUMENT
In Alex Jones’ Bean-spilling thinking, the whole thing could be part of a wider plot on behalf of the Chinese Communist Party. Previously confidential foreign intel reports disclose that completely sane Chinese scientist Dr. Zhang Qifeng has invented a new type of robot equipped with an artificial womb, termed a “pregnancy bot.”
For a very reasonable fee of only $14,000, the android will spread its legs “so that a real person and the robot can interact to achieve pregnancy,” as when Priscilla Chan successfully mated with Mark Zuckerberg (although she got paid rather more to go through with the horrific and immoral procedure, and in this specific instance it was the Chinawoman who was the human and the father who was the robot).
The resultant fetus will then be fed by being pumped “nutrients through a hose in its abdomen,” which coincidentally is also precisely how Alex Jones feeds himself by all appearances, probably 24 hours a day solid, like a goose being stuffed up to become foie gras.
A metallic womb, one would imagine, would strongly resemble in shape one of Anish Kapoor’s abstract metallic Bean sculptures: Is that why Anish kidnapped a baby and placed it inside one back in 2004, to perform early prototype robo-womb research upon behalf of Dr. Qifeng and the CCP? Kapoor has erected eerily similar installations in cities all across the West, like New York, London, and Paris. There is even a colossal one in China itself, supposedly made without Kapoor’s permission but probably just another large-scale prototype mega-womb supervised by Dr. Q. Or is it in fact a form of disguised military barracks?
Inside all such giant metal wombs, says Alex Jones, lurk several thousand cloned members of the People’s Liberation Army, grown to maturity from mere zygotes, just waiting to receive the relevant order from Beijing to burst forth in a flood of automatic gunfire and amniotic fluids to conquer NATO wholesale from within. The whole idea of camouflaging military installations by having them pose as innocent public artworks may seem a little unlikely, but, as Jones has credibly pointed out, did not a Chinaman named Sun Tzu famously once write a manual called The Art of War?
Subsequently ridiculed for his self-evident lack of expertise in the field of contemporary Chinese geopolitics, Jones was asked by real journalists if he even knew the name of the manifesto of Chairman Mao. Jones replied that no, he didn’t, as far as he’d heard it was a Little-Read Book.
SUCKING TICK IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH
Until last week, Western Michigan University was best known for two things and two things only: being a university, and being located in Michigan, probably the Western part of it. Now WMU is better known to conspiracy theorists as being home of a morally retarded plot to unleash a plague of deadly ticks out onto the land to infect humans with a strange new debilitating disease: veganism.
Yet, unlike all the above stories, the conspiracy theory in this instance is actually true!
The all-American, all-disease-ridden insects in question are lone-star ticks (Amblyomma americanum), whose bite has the capacity to trigger something incurable called Alpha Gal Syndrome (AGS). There are many terrible chronic consequences of AGS, including stomach cramps, hives, diarrhea, and anaphylactic shock. Oh, and death, too: AGS can cause allergic reactions to medicines, killing the patient outright. But, happily from a mad left-wing environmentalist viewpoint, it can also trigger sudden allergies to polluting meat and dairy products—forcing sufferers to become vegans whether they want to or not.
Therefore, a new paper coauthored by two WMU eco-academics, “Beneficial Bloodsucking,” recommends covertly genetically modifying the ticks so they can spread AGS to as many soon-to-be repentant ex-carnivores as possible, thereby to gift such lucky people a free “moral bioenhancer” within their very bloodstreams.
The academics claim to be experts in the field of medical bioethics, but so did Unit 731 of the Imperial Japanese Army. One coauthor, Assistant Professor Blake Hereth (they/them), bills himself as “an openly queer, disabled, Hindu philosopher,” so has no doubt spent countless hours agonizing about whether or not it is morally right for a man to eat meat. His final conclusion? Yes, just so long as you don’t swallow.
The other guy, Professor Parker Crutchfield, has explicitly advocated surreptitiously feeding people mind-control pills to force them to participate in left-wing behavior like wearing Covid masks and eschewing bacon, his book Moral Enhancement and the Public Good arguing that “everyone should be administered a [psychoactive] substance that makes us better people…without our knowledge.” They started with putting fluoride in our toothpaste and finished up by slipping Communism into our water supplies.
An alternative, far more genuinely morally acceptable GM program worth pursuing might be modifying the genes of ticks to cause lifelong infertility and then releasing a big bag of them into the faculty common room of WMU to stop lunatics like these from ever being able to reproduce. That really would be a form of “moral bioenhancer.”
Although, given his own “openly queer” sexual proclivities, it would appear Professor Blake Hereth has been bitten by a similar reproduction-retarding bug already: Never mind “Beneficial Bloodsucking,” his next paper is due to be called “Beneficial Cocksucking.” If only his parents had stuck to that kind of limited sexual activity while dating, argues Alex “Deep Throat” Jones, Hereth need never have been born at all.
Just like the fake child actors of Sandy Hook…