Sydney Sweeney
Source: Bigstock
The Week’s Most Stolen African Bits, Jeans Cause Splits, and Danish Mermaid’s Massive Tits Headlines
UGLY RHETORIC
Russian saber-rattling over Ukraine got even worse lately with Russia stationing nuclear-capable bombers ever closer to Western Europe; in response, Donald Trump promised to reinforce NATO defenses by installing nukes on the roof of the White House. Then, to make Putin feel really scared, he suddenly gave journalists a Nazi salute. Or was he just waving to Sydney Sweeney?
As this column reported last week, the blond-haired, blue-eyed Fraulein Sweeney has been in much trouble lately for starring in an advert for American Eagle jeans. Due to its “SYDNEY SWEENEY HAS GREAT JEANS” tagline, this was derided by Democrats as purportedly promoting Nazi-era eugenics.
Now it has emerged that, way worse than being a Nazi, Sweeney is actually a registered Republican. This led Trump to praise Sydney as having “the HOTTEST ad out there,” in contrast to “the woke singer Taylor Swift,” a known Democrat, who “became NO LONGER HOT” due to the debilitating uglification processes attendant upon voting for socialist policies.
Trump’s vice president, JD Vance, then got in on the act, saying, “My advice to the Democrats is to continue to tell everybody who thinks Sydney Sweeney is attractive is a Nazi.” Maybe, come the next elections, the GOP’s best PR strategy could be to run with this idea and lie that, contrary to Sweeney’s own fine example, every ugly celebrity out there right now is a registered Democrat: Rosie O’Donnell, Sarah Jessica Parker, Cher, Jamie Lee Curtis…
Oh no, wait, that’s actually true.
LITTLE MERMAID, BIG TITS
A strange cross-party agreement has now arisen that to enjoy seeing attractive people in the public sphere is right-wing, and to prefer seeing ugly people instead is left-wing.
Over in Denmark, another row is playing out around a statue of Hans Christian Andersen’s Little Mermaid in Copenhagen, which looks not unlike Sydney Sweeney, due to its attractive Aryan appearance and very large breasts. The statue is now due to be removed, thanks to criticism from Mammary Marxists, who think all human breast tissue should be redistributed equally until every last woman on earth squeezes into a C cup.
“A strange cross-party agreement has now arisen that to enjoy seeing attractive people in the public sphere is right-wing, and to prefer seeing ugly people instead is left-wing. ”
The statue was “pornographic,” apparently, or “a man’s hot dream of what a woman should look like.” “Do naked female breasts have to be a specific academic shape and size to be allowed to appear in public?” asked one newspaper editor. Well, they certainly shouldn’t be square or oblong.
So why were the Little Mermaid’s breasts so big? Exasperated sculptor Peter Bech had a simple answer: The statue was thirteen feet tall. “The statue has completely normal proportions in relation to her size,” he explained. “Of course the breasts are big on a big woman.” It’s a fair point. Just look at early Roseanne Barr.
COCK ROBBIN’
A bizarre news report has been spreading across the former French colony of the Central African Republic (CAR) concerning a white witch doctor shaking male locals by the hand, magically causing their penises to disappear via “genital evaporation.”
The report sensationally named and shamed the wizard as French diplomat Alexandre Piquet. Even more sensational was who he was stealing the penises for: President Emmanuel Macron, an individual “known for his special fondness for African men.” Did Macron want to glue a purloined black penis to the groin of his alleged postoperative “wife,” Brigitte, to make this fantasy come at least part true, below the belt? No, the situation was even worse.
To combat the ongoing Great Replacement, Macron had devised an evil plot, “Project Repopulation,” that aimed to use “secret nanotechnology innovations” delivered via special handshakes to steal African genitalia “in order to reverse the extinction of Europeans unwilling to bear children.” Beret-clad scientists had proved France’s plummeting birth rate was caused by the lack of “a certain hormone” that could only be found in African men’s oversize penises, particularly those from CAR, “where men are famous for having the longest genitals.”
Therefore, “childless Macron” had ordered thousands of such stolen goods to be loaded onto trucks, flown to Paris, and “hidden in one of the secret bunkers of Versailles,” there to have their hormones extracted and injected into the bloodstreams of native white Frenchmen.
The origin of this libelous fake-news report has now been ascertained: Russia, who see in CAR an opportunity to exert their own nefarious influence now that the old exhausted colonial power is increasingly pulling out. Russian propaganda has portrayed Macron’s supposed scheme as motivated by “neocolonial hatred and envy of Africans”; where once Paris extracted the region’s oil, gold, and minerals, now they extract its penises instead, something Vladimir Putin would never do.
The irony is the French could easily have sourced truckloads of severed black penises perfectly legitimately from South Africa instead. Here, the annual ineptly performed Ulwaluko acts of mass ritual circumcision for schoolboys reported on in this column a few weeks back have now fully played themselves out, ending with 39 deaths due to gangrenous teenage genitals simply dropping to the floor following infection from rusty razor blades.
JUST NIPPING OUT TO THE LOUVRE
A new wave of “sexist” French public open-air toilets. Uritrottoirs are big metallic street-mounted piss bins featuring a drawer filled with soil and sawdust into which passersby are invited to urinate, these being far cheaper for the cash-strapped French Treasury to maintain than proper, full-blown public toilets.
Yet the proposed installation of more uritrottoirs in Nantes has been refused by the local socialist council; being easier for men to use, the Commies have decried the devices as representing “male bladder privilege” and “a public subsidy for male genitalia.”
In the past, French feminists have sabotaged uritrottoirs by filling them up with stained tampons before sealing the entrances over with concrete.
A RONX TALE
In the U.K. nobody knows which pot to piss in anymore, either, causing another individual of deeply indeterminate gender, NHS physician Dr. Ronx Ikharia, a “black, queer, transmasculine, non-binary” weirdo, to devise a special new system to make matters more obvious: You can use WHATEVER TOILET YOU WANT TO, because to say otherwise is how fascism works.
Dr. Ronx is also a kids’ TV presenter and has exploited this fact to launch a program handing out supplies of big yellow badges saying “SAFE WITH ME” for distribution to children in schools. When gender-indeterminate adults spot an 8-year-old wearing one of these open targets helpful visual markers of trans allyship, they are to immediately approach and request the child accompany them toward the nearest cubicle to keep them “safe” from molestation by nearby transphobes.
On the other hand, a perfectly normal adult pervert could reverse the situation, approaching a 5-year-old girl, pointing to the “SAFE WITH ME” badge pinned to his stained raincoat, and offering to take her into the male toilets instead to show her what the urinals look like. Nothing bad could possibly ever result from such a situation—it would be impossible, since the badge specifically says children will be “SAFE” in the intimate company of such a person, not something pedophiles normally have written on their own helpful public display badges.
There is no suggestion Dr. Ronx Ikharia is a sex offender of any kind him/her/it/xe-self, just a complete cretin, but the potential for easy abuse of the badge scheme by those who are kiddie fiddlers, voyeurs, or rapists is obvious.
WEEPING POLICEMEN
If Dr. Ronx is eighty-sixed from the U.K. Medical Register, she could always apply to join a different profession that actively requires a badge to be worn: the British Police Force. A new survey of officers has found the most common reason they have for leaving the job is being given forced sex-change operations against their will—by their low-quality police pants.
The things are simply too tight, restricting officers’ movements and digging in at the crotch, leading to “blistering, swelling, and cuts to their genitals.” In extreme cases, policemen’s helmets can even go all Ulwaluko and simply drop off. “Honestly, if I left my job, these trousers would be the number one reason,” one copper complained. This particular officer was named as being female, but only after putting the pants on in the first place.
Things could be worse. If the British Police are unsatisfied with the poor state of their own standard-issue equipment, they should see what Emmanuel Macron is planning to replace all his gendarmes’ truncheons with over in France soon.
PUTIN’S MEAT GRINDR
All of the above stories may seem like Russian propaganda aimed at undermining the West, but no, they are all true; the “Free World” really is this degenerate now. Yet so is Russia itself. Traditionally, soldiers of the Red Army benefited from military aides. Now they suffer from military AIDS.
Russia has such a large HIV/AIDS infection rate that it may as well be in Africa itself, with a massive surge of cases among troops fighting in Ukraine. Reasoning they will die soon anyway, careless Cossacks are sharing used needles for drug taking, or else charging up one another’s Khyber Pass regions without any condoms.
Why are Russian soldiers so sure they will die? Because they are led by inhuman bastards like Col. Yevgeny Borisovich Ladnov, who was known for deliberately sending men to their deaths on the battlefield, not officially declaring the fact, and then pocketing their military wages. This week it was discovered that Ladnov was shot dead by his own troops after asking them why they were not all dead yet, as he wished to “deliver the death notices to your wives” personally so he could then “fuck” every last one of them in an act of feigned sympathy.
The men should have saved their bullets; if they all had AIDS, then Ladnov’s proposed actions here would surely have killed him anyway.