Brigitte Macron

Source: Quirinale.it

The Week’s Most Macron Deception, Monkey Misdirection, and Burning Contraception Headlines

FRENCH LETTERS (OF COMPLAINT)
Serious diplomatic disputes are afoot between America and France. The Trump administration has announced plans to burn $10 million worth of female contraceptive devices, like IUDs (not to be confused with IEDs, although strapping one of those between your legs would definitely prevent pregnancy), intended to be given out to poor black African women for free, to ensure another Ilhan Omar doesn’t happen. Due to the items being stored in Europe, this destruction is scheduled to occur in France, where all the smell of burning rubber usually means is that the Muslims have set everyone’s cars on fire again.

Encouraging Africans to go on breeding may seem like a self-defeating policy for the dying white West, but at the same time Trump announced his government had also “incinerated nearly 500 metric tons of high-nutrition biscuits which were meant to keep malnourished children in Afghanistan and Pakistan alive,” so clearly they’re just focusing on eliminating the most dangerous demographic threats first.

However, being the original homeland of all those proverbial “French diseases,” the French are obsessed with female contraceptive devices, to the extent that many coastal resorts are actively named after the things, like Cap Ferrat and Cap d’Ail. Hence, various condom-loving campaigners, like the heads of the French Green Party and the French Family Planning Group, have written to President Macron demanding he stop the contraceptives being torched on sovereign Gallic soil.

This request has left Macron himself confused, as, when looking between his husband Brigitte’s legs, he can see no viable space for the soon-to-be-condemned items to be inserted in the first place.

A MERE MISS PERCEPTION?
The second diplomatic spat between France and America this week concerns the continued efforts of professional “transvestigator” and political podcast host Candace Owens to imply Brigitte Macron is really a monsieur in disguise; her other twin conspiracy theory, that Emmanuel Macron secretly has testicles himself behind closed doors as well, is simply way too implausible to have taken off.

“If Brigitte Macron genuinely does have a penis, she’s going to need to saw it off sharpish, before the libel trial begins.”

Brigitte denies she is really an adult human male, although she has notably yet to bring suits against anyone daring to point out her suspiciously close resemblance to Dolly the PG Tips Monkey from the old British TV tea bag advertisements, or E.T. in that scene where he dresses up in Elliott’s mother’s wig and clothing, something readers should feel free to draw their own conclusions about.

The Macrons are currently suing Owens for libel in a U.S. court, with Owens refusing to back down, saying she would “stake my entire professional reputation” on Brigitte being male. Given her “entire professional reputation” is for chatting pure shit, however, if she is legally proven to be correct about something for once in this single specific limited instance, her reputation paradoxically will sort of end up being destroyed anyway.

Owens’ latest idea is that, before the case can come to trial and “Madame” Macron is unmasked as being male, her legal team will “fake kill” Brigitte first: “They’ll be like, ‘Oh, Brigitte passed away from stress because of what Candace did.’”

What stress? It will be easy as pie for Mrs. Macron to prove in a court of law that she is really female. By today’s mad transgender logic, all she’ll have to do is drop her skirt and show the judge her penis, and that’ll settle the matter forever.

LIPSTICK ON A GORILLA
If Brigitte Macron ever is outed as truly being the PG Tips Monkey, she could always run away to live a life of luxury as a gangster’s moll in Bali, where a heinous new simian crime clan has just been exposed. Around 600 “thieving monkeys” live in the vicinity of the ancient Hindu Uluwatu Temple, where they have learned to steal items of high value from human tourists, such as cell phones, wallets, and female condoms, after misdirecting their attention and then moving in to make the grab.

The clever creatures then exchange the pilfered goods with Fagin-like local monkey-handlers in return for simple items of fruit. Researchers have praised this as representing “unprecedented economic decision-making processes” in action, far more advanced than Donald Trump’s current program of constantly increasing and then decreasing tariffs with random foreigners based upon absolutely nothing.

“The monkeys have taken over,” complained one distressed pickpocketed tourist from London. But was he talking about in Bali or in London? Plenty of “thieving monkeys” live in the English capital these days too, and, just like Mrs. Monkey-Macron, quite a lot of them are cross-dressers themselves.

One particular criminal monkey in a dress, named only as “MS” in court documents (Macron Senior?), has just been given leave to remain in the U.K. as an alleged refugee from Algeria, on the grounds he/she/it is a cross-dresser. Ever since being granted provisional asylum status in the U.K. in 2013, Ms. MS has demonstrated “her” gratitude by repeatedly committing serious crimes like robbery, theft, and “obstructing a constable,” which sounds like a euphemism for constipation.

Naturally, this dismal record caused officials to try to deport the stupid chimp. Yet the primate suspect claimed to be both gay and trans, meaning he couldn’t be banana-boated back home, as homosexual acts are illegal in Algeria, according to a “country expert” (a white woman with an atlas) who testified at MS’ subsequent deportation tribunal. This prohibition can lead to terrible fates for Algerians who are outed as queer, such as “risk of mockery”; Candace Owens must have a tranny-baiting show over there as well.

When people found out he was gay the last time he was present in Algeria, said the defendant, he had been very badly punished indeed…by being repeatedly raped by other men. Surely, if they want to punish a man for being gay, wouldn’t it make more sense to make him have sex with a woman? That’s how Mrs. Macron used to punish young Emmanuel during detentions when he’d been very naughty back in the ’90s.

GETTING COMPLETELY LEGLESS
If Brigitte Macron genuinely does have a penis, she’s going to need to saw it off sharpish, before the libel trial begins. But where is she going to find a doctor willing to just snip asunder perfectly healthy body parts willy-nilly? Step forward British vascular surgeon Dr. Neil Hopper—except he can’t step forward anymore, because, allegedly, he foolishly chopped off his own legs below the knees in order to try to con insurance firms out of £460,000 after lying to them that the useless things had fallen off of their own accord due to sepsis.

According to prosecutors, though, Dr. Hopper—who can now only move around by imitating his own name, just like his older, one-legged brother Pogo—had simply used his many years’ worth of experience amputating genuine sick people’s limbs in a Cornish hospital to do some DIY flesh-pruning on his own unwanted appendages, apparently using “power tools.”

Weirdly, Hopper’s reputed motives were not simply financial, but also included a demented ambition to become “the world’s first disabled astronaut” with the European Space Agency, who seemingly want such a thing for stupid DEI reasons. Then he could become known to posterity as “Space-Hopper.” Just imagine: “One small step for man, one giant impassible obstacle for a wheelchair user. Where’s my off-ramp?”

Should Hopper’s presumed lies soon be exposed in court, he will surely be left without a leg to stand on. At which point he will immediately up his compensation demands to £1.6m and roll out of the dock on his stomach.

TWO FEET IN THE GRAVE
A second court case involving amputation also played out this week in New York, where a black woman named Ada Blake was pleased to see her former lover, a Hispanic “gentleman” named Christian Valdez, imprisoned after she’d been thrown in front of a subway train by him. The train sped over Ada’s limbs like a giant wheeled scythe, amputating both her feet even more cleanly and swiftly than the greased chainsaw of Britain’s Dr. Space-Hopper could.

Describing the impact of the impact, the now-wheelchair-bound Blake grieved over her missing feet, which had presumably been given their own separate burial in a shoebox somewhere, by delivering a very odd speech. In maudlin tones, she bemoaned how she would never more be able to “feel the comfort of a soft filler, feel the pile of a shag carpet, feel the water flow between [my] toes…. I mourn the life that I lived with my feet.” Tragically, she has since even had to learn how to hold a pen with her hands.

Naturally, being black and female made all this a million times worse: “Perverse circumstances have left me traumatized, disfigured, and marginalized even further and vulnerably on earth as an African-American disabled female.”

On the plus side, hearing this, the European Space Agency then got in touch and offered her an immediate job as a starship captain.

CONGENITAL JEAN DEFECTS
Say what you like about Jeffrey Epstein—and legally you can, because he’s dead, the big fat murdering pedo—but at least he knew what a woman was. Which is why, alone of all blondes on the planet, he left Brigitte Macron alone.

Virginia “Vagina” Giuffre was not so lucky, of course, with Donald Trump sensationally revealing this week that Epstein had “stolen” Giuffre to take back to his lair on the Soon-Not-To-Be-A-U.S.-Virgin Islands away from her previous benign employment opportunity in the spa at Trump’s luxury Mar-a-Lago resort. “The concept of taking people that work for me is bad,” Trump dribbled. “Whether it was spa or not spa, I don’t want him taking people.” This is how the Leader of the Free World now actually speaks.

Given Epstein’s proven propensity for kidnapping young blonde women, the nubile Hollywood actress Sydney Sweeney must be glad he’s dead. This is a woman so blonde and blue-eyed, she has just been accused of being a Nazi after starring in a new advertisement for American Eagle jeans (marketed under the brand name “Reichsadler” in the German market).

“Sydney Sweeney has great jeans,” goes the ad’s slogan, which some critics took as a coded reference to Nazi eugenics Rassenforschung race science, with disturbed liberals online calling it “Like, fascist weird.” Just wait until they hear about the new Levi’s 1488 brand.

“My jeans are blue,” Sydney says at one point, while fluttering her blue eyes right into the camera (probably one being operated by the ghost of Leni Riefenstahl). This was supposedly awful and racist, as it implied Aryan blue eyes were best. But if they’d given Sydney less offensively Scandi-colored contact lenses to wear and changed the slogan to “My jeans are brown,” it would just have made her sound like she’d shat herself.

To be fair, Ernst Röhm did once star in his own 1930s fashion ad for Hugo Boss, proudly declaring, “My shirts are brown,” but the less said about that the better.

Following the controversy, Sweeney has now been dropped by American Eagle and her ads entirely reshot with Brigitte Macron in the living-clotheshorse role instead, accompanied by the new, comprehensively rejigged slogan “Penis in Blue Jeans.” At least that’s what Candace Owens will be claiming in a court of law very soon.