Mr and Mrs Woody Allen

Source: Bigstock

The Week’s Most Attention Is Diverted, Truths Are Skirted, and Monks Are Perverted Headlines

BLUE (STATE) MOVIES
Despite the continuing loud disquiet of his base, President Trump has still yet to agree to release any of those explicit child-porn Epstein Tapes people think he’s sitting on. Instead, he prefers to post fake, AI-generated clips online of Barack Obama being arrested for treason, sewn into an orange jumpsuit, and then locked inside a federal jail to the tune of “YMCA.”

If it’s that easy to generate fake videos these days, why doesn’t Trump just give his public what they really want, and pump out some computer-made footage of Obama and Epstein fiddling with kiddies to the tune of an alternative Village People hit, like “Sex Over the Phone”? (“Sex over the phone—I need a baby,” go its lyrics, as excited band members call up Ghislaine Maxwell and ask to make a tasty bite-size order from the children’s menu.)

Actually, someone else has already beat Donald to it in terms of generating bogus Epstein home movies—and he’s in them. Online left-wing conspiracists of the “Blue Anon” movement, named after the Democratic Party colors, have been spreading an AI-spawned clip of a young Trump in Ghislaine Maxwell’s company, picking out his favorite little girl to abuse from an arranged lineup.

Forensic analysis naturally proves the video to be a fake. Among the many dead giveaways are the unnatural color of the wall, a suspicious missing doorway, and the fact that the particular child Trump appears to want to have sex with is not named Ivanka.

MONKS DISROBED
Blue Anoners had better be careful. Trump is already suing someone else for libel this week, in the shape of The Wall Street Journal, which he describes as a “rotten newspaper”; in return, the WSJ is countersuing Trump for calling it a “newspaper.” The President wants $10 billion in damages after being accused by journos of sending his old pal Epstein a card including a doodle of a naked woman, in which his straggly signature acts as pubic hair. Presumably he signed it with an orange pen?

“Politicians are calling for a specific new crime of ‘having sex with a monk’ to be placed on Thai statute books, surely to be known as the ‘Friar Fuck’ ordinance.”

Also likely to possess orange pubic hair are the Buddhist priests of Thailand, at least if the dye in their saffron robes has run following attempts to cleanse all the dried monk spunk from them using excessively high washing temperatures. A young woman named Wilawan Emsawat has just been arrested for blackmailing monks and abbots with “thousands” of homemade sex tapes she made of them adopting something like the Lotus Position with her, in Thailand’s very own domestic version of the Epstein Affair.

Code-named “Mrs. Golf” by Thai cops—as in her every hole’s a goal, with neatly trimmed borders all around them, and even the occasional built-in water hazard—Emsawat managed to extort as much as $11.9 million from her besotted priests, who are alleged to have been diverting it from their temples’ sacred donation chests. To avoid yet more desperate holy men being tempted into breaking their vows of chastity in future, politicians are calling for a specific new crime of “having sex with a monk” to be placed on Thai statute books, surely to be known as the “Friar Fuck” ordinance.

The problem of Buddhists getting Epsteined is so bad that Thailand has now set up a special hotline for people to report “misbehaving monks” in their vicinity, just in case someone spots Rasputin on the loose again, bothering all the Russian child-sex tourists by offering them fake hemophilia cures.

The Supreme Sangha Council, the governing body of Buddhism in Thailand, is said to be currently considering whether to “cut off some arms and legs” in terms of defrocking those responsible. They might be better off cutting off certain other parts of the monks’ anatomies instead. If Donald Trump signed his dirty cards to friends with one of those, that really would be worth a column in The Wall Street Journal.

EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX CRIMES (BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK)
Also well-known for writing with his own penis, figuratively at least, is Hollywood funnymensch Woody Allen, who has just announced the publication of his first-ever novel. The book, What’s With Baum?, tells the story of an older man, very probably a small neurotic Jew who lives in New York, who tries to kiss a much younger woman, very probably a tall hot Oriental who looks like Wilawan Emsawat.

Woody was also dragged into the Epstein Affair this week by apparent comedian Chelsea Handler, who said on a podcast that she once went to a dinner party at Castle Epstein, also attended by Allen and his sort-of-stepdaughter-turned-wife Soon-Yi, whom Handler chose to insult by asking the couple, “So, how did you two meet?”

“Jeffrey introduced us,” Woody should have replied, to discomfort her instead. “He got her shipped in from the Thai branch of the operation. Tell me, do you know Mrs. Golf?”

Allen and Epstein were good friends and neighbors, watching movies together at each other’s New York homes, with Woody reportedly planning on giving his pal useful film-editing lessons: “If you intercut images of Prince Andrew slipping it inside with short sequences of her smiling, it will look like Virginia’s actually enjoying it, Jeffrey.”

They even planned a trip to Sotheby’s auction house together in 2017; antique Ming vases were the only things from East Asia aged over 21 years old that either man had ever possessed the slightest interest in handling.

VERY SLEEPY JOE
Rumor has it that, in order to ensure obedience, Epstein’s child sex slaves were doped up with zombifying muscle-relaxing drugs beforehand. If Jeffrey had ever wanted to try his hand at abusing a much older lover in this fashion instead of a much younger one for a change, he would have found Joe Biden already fully dosed up and ready to comply.

Joe’s son Hunter—an acknowledged expert on drugs of all kinds, prescription or otherwise—has claimed in a new interview that his dad’s calamitous performance during his 2024 TV debate with Trump was due to him being placed on the sleeping pill Ambien by doctors prior to broadcast.

Counterintuitively, Hunter said Joe needed the pills because he was so tired all the time, but this makes no sense. If the problem is that he’s tired all the time, then why give him sleeping pills? It would be like giving laxatives and diuretics to a man who kept on shitting and pissing himself every day. Also like Joe Biden.

However, looking up the drug’s technical specifications, we can find that the idea that Biden was a pill popper is actually medically plausible. Common side effects clearly applicable to Biden’s own known record in office include drowsiness, confusion, dizziness, and allowing 150 million illegal immigrants to invade the country from Mexico to destroy the white race.

Another frequently listed medical side effect from sleeping pills like Ambien is “difficulty in performing successful evacuations”—particularly from Afghanistan.

A WHOLE NEW BALL NAME
It was good of Hunter to try to change the subject away from Epstein for a while, but ultimately Donald Trump had to try doing so himself too. Releasing fake, AI-made videos of Obama was not the only diversion tactic the President employed, randomly demanding that the Washington Commanders football team revert back to using their old name of the Washington Redskins, which they had abandoned as being “racist” following the death of Minneapolis Blackskin George Floyd.

Such was the supposed major public impact of this request, Trump said his order had “totally blown up, but only in a very positive way,” like his esteemed predecessor Harry S. Truman had once boasted himself about Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

To further divert attention away from Epsteingate, Trump further mandated the Cleveland Guardians baseball side go back to being called the Cleveland Indians as in saner days gone by too. “MAKE INDIANS GREAT AGAIN (MIGA)!” Trump typed out through tiny hands on his telephone, but if he’d really wanted to make the affair blow up, he would have written “NAME INDIANS GREAT AGAIN (NIGA)!” instead.

COMIC OPERA
Also due to be renamed is the Opera House section of the Kennedy Center arts arena in Washington, D.C., which sphincter-licking MAGA Republicans want to be rechristened the First Lady Melania Trump Opera House instead. Surely an opera house should be named after a fat lady, not a stick-thin one? How about calling it the Oprah House?

Trump had already alienated Kennedy Center staff by appointing new board members to get rid of all the lefty propaganda performances they were putting on there all the time, culminating in the cancellation of an intended transgenderism-promoting children’s musical about a gay shark, Finding Pedo. But what to replace it with?

Trump’s hillbilly vice president, JD Vance, who can only ever bear to listen to discordant banjo music intermixed with the sound of squealing pigs, has already expressed his disbelief that people actually pay to listen to classical music, leading to a consequent shift toward more popular rock ’n’ roll-type shows at the establishment.

With this week’s death of Ozzy Osbourne in mind, to gain their revenge on Trump by bringing voters’ attention back around to precisely what he wants them to forget about again, Kennedy Center staff could always revive their Black Sabbath: The Ballet show from only last month, featuring a newly Epstein-themed set list including “Children of the Grave,” “Degradation Rules,” “Don’t Blame Me,” “I Don’t Wanna Stop,” “The Ultimate Sin,” “Let Me Hear You Scream,” “Little Dolls,” “Mama, I’m (Not) Coming Home,” and “One Up the B-Side,” culminating in a haunting, prison-cell-based performance of “Suicide Solution.” Either that or just “I Didn’t Know,” repeated on a loop over and over again, sung in a giant chorus by everyone else allegedly involved.

Saving that, Kennedy Center rebels could always agree upon a compromise political-figure-related renaming of their building, calling the place the Lincoln Center instead. Then they could invite Trump and Melania to attend a performance one night, show them politely to their box, start handing out the audience free pistols, and hope history rapidly repeats itself, John Wilkes Booth-style.

KEEP IT ALL SILENT CINEMA
Once Trump is dead, the Kennedy Center may wish to dump their brief Epstein-themed association with pedophiles and enlist Woody Allen to make and screen a series of new short films instead. As the esteemed maker of the original deepfake movie Zelig, Woody would be well-placed to produce an innovative new cinematic art installation in which AI-generated counterfeit images and shorts mingle confusingly upon a giant screen with real-life ones harvested from the web. But which examples from this week alone would be real, and which fake?

(1) The black African model in a newly banned British supermarket women’s clothing ad, whose body was deemed by regulators to be too unnaturally and “unhealthily thin” to be genuine. REAL: She was just a normal Ethiopian.

(2) Hardcore footage of illegal immigrants in an English seaside asylum hotel who had just made a taxpayer-funded porn film of themselves to sell online for easy cash. FAKE: The real homemade illegal immigrant porn flicks being made in the U.K. right now are CCTV films of them raping underage white schoolgirls in the middle of the street before getting away with it so as not to disturb “community relations.”

(3) Disturbing film of Benjamin Netanyahu declaring a state of joint Israeli-Indian nuclear war being suddenly declared against Iran and Pakistan for no good reason. FAKE: This won’t actually be happening until the week before Israel’s next election day.

(4) Bizarre images of a human pervert stalking the dunes of Wallasey Beach in England, dressed as a male version of Catwoman in a skintight leather feline gimp suit, seen disturbing various innocent dog walkers taking their pets out for a quick nocturnal Eartha Kitt by jumping from behind trees shouting “Meow!” or “making panther noises” at them before then fleeing across the sand on all fours. REAL: Jack Osbourne just didn’t take the sad recent news about his dad very well at all.

(5) Amazing undercover sex-film footage in which Woody Allen, Jeffrey Epstein, Barack Obama, Wilawan Emsawat, Prince Andrew, Joe Biden, Donald Trump, Benjamin Netanyahu, and the entire first-team squads of the Washington Redskins and the Cleveland Indians all have sex with an entire class full of drugged-up 10-year-old uniformed schoolgirls in a government-funded asylum hotel somewhere on the English coastline before, at the moment of group climax, Ozzy Osbourne jumps on screen dressed as Dracula and bites the head off a live bat for a one-off fee of $500,000 from Jeffrey Epstein. DEFINITELY REAL: But the DOJ says you’ll never get to see it…