Liverpool Metropolitan Cathedral
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The Week’s Most Secret Epstein Tapes, Autism Causes Rapes, and Racist Nintendo Apes Headlines
WALLACE AND VOMIT
What are the key diagnostic signs of autism? A love of routine, an inability to express emotion, social awkwardness…and a chronic inability to wear any underpants. Greg Wallace, presenter of the British version of boring TV cookery contest MasterChef, has just been ditched by the BBC following allegations of sexual impropriety toward women. Wallace’s excuse is simple: He has autism, a condition that now apparently causes sufferers to uncontrollably drop their trousers in front of young female staff members.
Worse, Wallace even has something hitherto unknown called “autistic hypersensitivity,” the main symptom of which is “an inability to wear underwear”: hence Wallace opening his dressing room door naked except for a sock over his penis and shouting, “Hooray!” at visitors as either a joke or a come-on, depending on how you interpret it. If that’s his idea of effective contraception, there really must be something wrong with him.
The shamed presenter has leveraged his “neurodivergence” to pose as the real victim here, complaining that “Nothing was done [by the BBC] to investigate my disability or protect me from what I now realize was a dangerous [work] environment for over 20 years.” True enough: Anyone standing around in the MasterChef kitchen with their dick out ran a very real risk of having it accidentally grilled as a sausage by a contestant one day, a particularly alarming prospect for a man with “autistic hypersensitivity” in his penis.
Wallace was also accused of pestering female employees for their phone numbers. His forthcoming excuse in court will be that he just wanted to perform complex mental calculations with them, like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man.
UNCANDID ABOUT CAMERAS
Maybe Jeffrey Epstein was also autistic? He started out in life as a humble pervert math teacher, so he clearly had a youthful aptitude for figures—and even more of an aptitude for youthful figures, like those of 12-year-old blonde girls who also possessed a curious medically inexplicable inability to keep their underwear on in front of the cameras.
“Jeffrey Epstein started out in life as a humble pervert math teacher, so he clearly had a youthful aptitude for figures.”
Despite Donald Trump’s promise to spill all the dirt on the Deep State’s alleged hidden “Epstein Files,” the Department of Justice this week badly disappointed the President’s MAGA base by declaring there was no evidence Jeffrey was murdered in his prison cell, as opposed to simply hanging himself.
In favor of the hypothesis that Epstein was neurodeviant in some fashion is the way he blamed ADHD for his “medically necessary” need to receive constant female massages, and the fact he would repeatedly interrupt conversations, no matter the topic, by randomly shouting, “What does that got to do with pussy?!” like a man with severe Twat-Tourette’s. He also had an autie-like obsession with collecting hundreds of glass eyeballs sourced from dead soldiers, which he lined up in perfect neat rows all along the walls of his infamous New York “House of Horrors.”
But were the eyes just nods toward his homes’ secret hidden CCTV cameras, and were the dead soldiers men of the IDF? Epstein was Jewish, leading Tucker Carlson to newly accuse him of having been in the employ of Mossad, one frequent visitor to his many homes being former Israeli leader Ehud Barak. Persistent rumors suggest Tel Aviv supplied Epstein with all his money, and in return he supplied world leaders and celebrities with underage girls to abuse, before threatening to release explicit footage if they didn’t do the bidding of the State of Israel by fighting and funding its wars for it. Even Elmo from Sesame Street said so this week, surprisingly tweeting his view that:
Elmo says ALL JEWS SHOULD DIE. DONALD TRUMP IS NETANYAHU’S PUPPET BECAUSE HE IS IN THE EPSTEIN FILES. JEWS CONTROL THE WORLD AND NEED TO BE EXTERMINATED.
That particular day’s edition of Sesame Street was brought to you by the letters NSDAP.
Surely there would have been a far easier blackmail route for Israel to take here, though. Rather than gaining fuzzy filmic evidence of Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, Tony Blair, etc. being pedos to force them into helping bomb Iran/Iraq/Gaza, why not just entrap Israel’s regional Muslim enemies into similar situations before threatening to release movie film of their own leaders having sex with underage girls too, thereby to prevent them from ever attacking sacred Zionist soil in the first place?
Because they’re Muslims. Videos of men like Saddam Hussein, Yahya Sinwar, Ayatollah Khamenei, and Bashar al-Assad raping 9-year-olds would only have made them more popular with their domestic voter base, not less.
DIDDY REALLY EAT HER?
Fresh from his own court case centering on the filming of various acts of sexual deviancy for the purposes of manipulating the videos’ participants, the alleged “rapper with one ‘p’” known as P. Diddy has recently been accused of operating a wider Epstein-like sex blackmail ring, too.
Images of a 2004 celebrity party held by Diddy have gone viral after they showed him lording it over a naked woman laid out on a serving table by the event’s caterer, Greg Wallace, naked except for small portions of sushi placed strategically over certain underpants-less areas of her anatomy that probably already smelled of fish anyway. This has been taken by online conspiracists as evidence Diddy was actually a “high-level wizard of the entertainment elite,” an occult cannibal who was planning to sacrifice the girl and then publicly eat her in honor of Satan, in the only entertaining episode of MasterChef ever made.
According to Diddy’s former bodyguard Gene Deal, Diddy had also once sacrificed a live bird in the middle of Central Park prior to one of his other criminal trials, and had also been secretly filming VIPs engaged in orgies at his luxury mansions, just like Epstein did. Deal said these included not only the expected politicians but also “princes” and “a couple of preachers”…by which he possibly meant “Arab princes” and “radical imams.”
Diddy’s child-chomping habit was reportedly facilitated by the building of a sophisticated hidden subterranean network of “child-trafficking tunnels,” within which leading Hollywood satanist Beyoncé had once been filmed literally singing for her supper—a nice fat missing milk-carton kid, one may guess. But who could possibly have built these miles and miles of tunnels for Diddy? Besides the Wombles, only one group on earth has enough experience of subterranean tunneling to do that today: Hamas.
Hence, the Islamists now have one group of kompromat-ridden pedo world leaders and Hollywood cheerleaders on their side thanks to P. Diddy, and the Zionists have a rival all-powerful cabal of the very same, thanks to Epstein. No wonder the whole war in the Middle East is currently at such a total stalemate.
(R)APE ESCAPE
The big new videogame out this week is Donkey Kong Bananza—but will Donkey Kong’s tiny chimp sidekick Diddy Kong be in it as usual? Apparently he will, but this didn’t stop gamers from speculating beforehand that Nintendo may drop the character altogether, due to all the bad publicity arising from his coincidental namesake’s ongoing sex-weirdness trials.
But was their shared moniker just coincidence, or yet another conspiracy? P. Diddy’s whistleblowing bodyguard Gene Deal has further claimed that, when the rapper was looking for a new stage name to replace his old Puff Daddy title, the rival hip-hop star Notorious B.I.G. suggested Diddy to him as a joke. Evidently not owning a Super Nintendo, the future P. Diddy did not realize he was being tricked into adopting a new name identifying him as a small black monkey. As B.I.G. well knew, Diddy (the monkey) was depicted as a comically shit black rapper in some of the games, so Diddy (the other monkey) would end up tarred with the same brush by association.
The Donkey Kong games have long been accused of “racism,” as the monkeys involved appear to be a group of retarded Negro stereotypes who live jobless in the jungle and have watermelons for life-bars, while, in the very first game in the series, DK is a baddie who kidnaps a white woman on a skyscraper building site, presumably intending to rape her, like King Kong with Fay Wray in the old movie, or Dodi Kong with Princess Diana in real life.
In an attempt to dispel such unfortunate associations, in the new Bananza game, Nintendo has completely altered the arrangement above any and all prurient suspicion, so that Donkey Kong is now a goodie, tasked with saving a small and innocent 13-year-old child named Pauline. Unfortunately, in a truly uncanny new coincidence, Kong does this by carrying her on his back through an elaborate series of sinister subterranean tunnels…
In Nintendo’s own words: “Pauline is a 13-year-old girl who loves to sing. She used to live above ground, but for some reason she was brought to the underground world.” For “some reason,” eh? With a plot scenario like that, it’s no wonder Nintendo ended up putting a character called Diddy in it after all.
WHAT IF THE RAPIST IS THE THERAPIST?
Greg Wallace, P. Diddy, and Donkey Kong all sound as if they may be in dire need of professional medical treatment or life coaching. But from whom? They had better not approach popular online Russian “seduction guru” Alexander Kirillov, who has just been arrested after advising that by far the best way for lonely men to get a girlfriend was simply to “grope women [in the street] and ask for sex,” advice several of his clients followed to the letter—they’ll all be being treated with similar consideration by their new male cellmates deep inside Putin’s gulag system as we speak.
U.K. hypnotherapist Neale Haddon may not be a good influence either. After successfully treating a client for an extreme driving phobia, he decided to test out just how well her recovery was going by subsequently having (consensual) sex with her in his own vehicle, like something from J.G. Ballard’s Crash. She was definitely cured of fear of all driving; now she’s just terrified of all men instead.
Because of such experiences, female victims are clearly in increasing need of sexual therapy and methods of extreme self-care themselves, which explains why the Hollywood actress and Goop “wellness product” purveyor Gwyneth Paltrow is presently enjoying such renewed popularity and success. Her limited-edition 2020 “This Smells Like My Vagina” candles are being resold secondhand for a huge 443 percent markup online, at $400 a go (they were based upon a similar-scented candle product once popped out by the late Mother Teresa’s vagina called “The Black Hole of Calcutta”).
According to marketing materials, Paltrow’s own vagina smelled of “geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed,” which suggests she also uses it to mix up her own brand line of potpourri.
But what would the official branded vagina candle of Rosie O’Donnell smell like, one is led to wonder? Like she’d accidentally been marinating it up the wrong end for the past 35 years, would be the probable dismissive answer of Donald Trump.
ROSIE’S CHEEK
O’Donnell is currently a very angry woman indeed, POTUS 47 being an all-time expert at getting on her wick. The obese and haggard lesbian media personality and actress, who once appeared in The Flintstones, presumably as a mammoth, has engaged in the latest bout of her never-ending war of words against Trump by calling him “a danger to women and children all over the world,” from her new home-in-exile of Ireland.
In response, Trump threatened to revoke Rosie’s U.S. citizenship and ban her from ever returning to the country on the basis she was “a Threat to Humanity” and should therefore “remain in the beautiful Country of Ireland (if they want her).” O’Donnell’s own subsequent retaliation was to post a photo of Trump standing alongside his old friend Jeffrey Epstein—whether to thereby call Donald a pedo or tacitly nudge him to nuke Rafah or Agent P. Diddy’s house upon behalf of Bibi Netanyahu is unknown. Trump then responded by posting a rival photo of O’Donnell standing alongside Donkey Kong, before asking her which was which.
If she wants to risk looking less like DK in our sad, rape-happy world today, O’Donnell could just try hopping across the Irish Sea to the British mainland, where ultracheap cosmetic surgery is now so easily available that random untrained individuals armed with needles are offering procedures like “liquid Brazilian butt-lifts” and lip fillers on the cheap inside actual public conveniences.
An unknown man offering to inject strange fluids into your anus or lips inside dirty toilet cubicles in return for a tenner, cash in hand, sounds like the kind of thing an autistic person could take literally enough to be fooled into entering a compromising situation by; another satanic plot by P. Diddy to entrap Greg Wallace into becoming his personal sushi chef for life, perchance? Where do all the undercover sex-blackmail schemes end?
With Rosie O’Donnell, probably. If there’s any obscene footage of her flailing around on the Epstein Tapes, it’s no wonder the DOJ doesn’t want to release them. Disappointed MAGA voters should shut up. Donald Trump is just keeping the public’s eyes safe from a genuine “Threat to Humanity” with unbearable images like that.