Dung cakes, Varanasi, India

Source: Bigstock

The Week’s Most Award-Winning Big Fat Jew, African Foreskins You Can Chew, and Strange Brown Paintings Made of Poo Headlines

MEDAL OF DISHONOR
France’s greatest poet, Baudelaire, once had a verse beginning with the memorable line “Beside a monstrous Jewish whore I lay,” a poem that now stands revealed as an uncanny prediction of the existence of a woman named Barbara Butch, who has just been awarded a major cultural honor by the French state, for the awesome achievement of being a big fat Jewish lesbian.

Butch is a DJ, “body positivity champion,” and “love activist,” best known for appearing as a grotesque, obese parody of the Virgin Mary—pregnant not only with Jesus Christ but all Twelve Disciples, too—during the infamously queer and blasphemous 2024 Paris Olympics opening ceremony. Following mass public scorn online, Butch filed complaints for “aggravated cyber harassment,” her lawyer saying that “Those who attack Barbara do so because they can’t stand the fact that she can represent France, because she is a woman, lesbian, fat and Jewish. By attacking her, they are attacking the values, rights and freedoms of France.” By this, he meant attacking the “official” values of “official” modern-day France, the diversité, equalité, and mendacité so worshipped by President Emmanuel Macron.

Butch was particularly honored for her services to victimhood. “All my life I’ve refused to be a victim,” she said following the post-Olympics insult-fest, before complaining to the police she had been the victim of les hurty-words dans l’internet. Growing up Jewish in a “racist neighborhood” of Paris (just say a “Muslim” one, Barbara…), Butch had relatives killed in the Holocaust—a harrowing event of which she had been the true victim, this burdensome legacy of other people’s deaths being “a lot to take on my shoulders, even now.” This from a woman with fat reserves so vast, she would have been able to safely hibernate out the entire Third Reich simply by going to sleep inside a disused Ravensbrück storage cupboard one afternoon. She’s hardly Alfred Dreyfus, is she?

This is the kind of poor-grade individual now being handed out the once-prestigious Chevalier des Arts et des Lettres award by President Macron’s Culture Ministry. It means “Knight of Arts and Letters,” leading Barbara to brag that she is now officially a “Knightress,” a word that does not even exist. Given her reputation and her size, she sounds more like a mattress.

With standards as rock-bottom as these, what France really needs to begin awarding is a brand-new medal signifying low standards in public life, not high ones: It could be called the Légion Déshonorer. Let us now see who could have best been awarded one this past week…

HALF NELSON
Légion Déshonorer for Services Toward Young People: Nelson Mandela (posthumous)
Nelson Mandela is often held up as a role model for young black men right across South Africa—less for his politics, more for his penis. Aged 16, Nelson underwent an agonizing tribal initiation ceremony involving an act of unanesthetized ritual circumcision with the tip of a sharpened spear. Called Ulwaluko, meaning “AARGH!!” in Swahili, the sacrament is needed to formally transform a boy into a man…albeit all too often by making part of his manhood fall off.

“What France really needs to begin awarding is a brand-new medal signifying low standards in public life, not high ones.”

Other ANC (African No-Cock) politicians eagerly follow Nelson’s penile path. Mlibo Qoboshiyane, an ANC Minister for Traditional Affairs and Impossibly High Scrabble Scores, once told the BBC that scraping bits of adolescent bell-end off played “an important role in grooming our sons,” boasting that the procedure had “helped to shape me into the man I am today”—one with half his mutilated black penis missing.

Hoping to imitate their Big Chief Nelson, pubescent black males across the nation today still line up to get their foreskins sheared by tribal elders; if they do not, a coveted life in politics or the civil service will never be theirs. And if the kids refuse to drop their shorts and comply, they may well be forced into it anyway.

Summer is willy-snapping season in South Africa, with so-called “illegal schools” now exploiting the period by kidnapping boys as young as 12, brainwashing them, and cutting portions of their genitalia off, before sending the kids’ parents weird ransom letters—it’s where trans-friendly schools in certain Democrat-controlled states in America got the very same idea.

For best effect, the kidnappers can include the severed teenage foreskins in the envelopes. Some confused cannibals may simply eat the delivered items, thinking it an innovative form of USAID direct-mail food donation, but those parents literate enough to actually read the attached notes will understand the criminals are really demanding cash for their offsprings’ return semi-intact; a real snip at only a few hundred South African rand per prepuce.

To combat this scourge, a new piece of legislation has just been introduced, mandating all future foreskin-loppers actually have to possess medical qualifications, not just a spare spear tip or hacksaw. This is necessary, as 93 boys bled to death after procedures went horribly, horribly wrong last year alone. So medically ignorant were the “surgeons” that, when gangrene set in and some boys’ penises dropped off to the floor, they told affected patients not to worry, the things would just grow back as the fruits of the banana tree did.

Ever the opportunistic businessmen, they then gathered all the things up and sold them to cash-strapped South African school canteens as cut-price black puddings.

PUBIC SECTOR CUTS
Légion Déshonorer for Services Toward Solving Problems They Themselves Have Helped Cause: Donald Trump and Benjamin Netanyahu (joint award)
Having just been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by Benjamin Netanyahu, Donald Trump probably couldn’t give a salami-sliced orange glans-tip for receiving a free tin medal from Macron—but he will get one anyway, for saving New York from Islamo-Communism.

Alarmed by the city’s prospective next mayor Zohran Mamdani’s promise to get the state to take over and run large sectors of New York’s economy, Trump has promised to prevent this dark scheme…by intervening to get the state to take over and run large sectors of New York’s economy instead. But they will be Trump-controlled parts of the state nationalizing New York’s economy, not Mamdani-controlled parts of it, so that’s okay. Then he can re-privatize it all again, thus solving the problem he himself caused in the first place.

A previous winner of the Nobel Prize was, of course, Nelson Mandela, whom Trump has in the past professed the desire to imitate, saying he “will gladly become a Modern Day Nelson Mandela” last year, when threatened with imprisonment. Yet Donald has also expressed his desire to imitate Jesus Christ, too. And what is the only thing Nelson and Jesus have in common? Both were ritually circumcised.

Ulwaluko is usually the lone preserve of black boys, but back in 2013 one stupid and not-at-all-gay white kid underwent the shared penile torture with his best black South African school friend to gain “a better understanding of his culture,” a level of commitment toward pretending to be a Negro that makes Rachel Dolezal look like a mere amateur. So, it is possible for Caucasians to undergo the procedure too.

Photographs of a “strange lump spotted in the President’s trousers,” described as “an unusual trouser-wrinkle,” have been interpreted as meaning POTUS is now wearing a catheter, meaning “every step he takes sounds like the sloshing of a warm Capri Sun.” Maybe this is not a sign of incipient dementia, as has been suggested, but the urination-impeding consequence of yet another botched Ulwaluko ceremony on Trump’s own personal, Mandela-aping behalf?

Having undergone the operation, Trump then decided to impose a similar fate upon millions of other government employees, too, promising to implement “cutbacks” on various federal agencies. Both the Supreme Court, who ruled the scheme legal this week, and Macron’s Honors Committee interpreted this to mean mundane economic measures like, “you’re fired,” but taken literally like an autist would, Trump’s advertised “large-scale reductions in staff” could just mean chopping generous sections of male employees’ penises off.

But why? It could only be as part of a behind-closed-doors quid pro quo for getting that precious Nobel nomination from Benjamin Netanyahu. As racial demographics shift, and Jews begin to be outnumbered by Muslims like Zohran Mamdani all over the U.S., public support naturally shifts likewise from Israel to Palestine. By compulsorily circumcising millions of federal employees, however, Netanyahu hopes to force them to subliminally identify more closely with Jews once more, thus ensuring the foreseeable future safety of the whole U.S.-backed Zionist project.

But what to do with all those severed public-sector foreskins? Donate them to the U.N., of course, and have them air-dropped over the Gaza Strip to alleviate the IDF-stoked famine under Tel Aviv’s new “Project Manna From Heaven.” Just like Don aiming to solve Communism by implementing Communism, then subsequently re-implementing capitalism to save everyone from Communism, you can’t accuse Bibi of not acting to clear up his own mess here.

It’s the circle—the circle of life, as Elton John once sang. And if there’s one man on the planet who knows all about the immense nutritive benefits of chewing on other men’s foreskins, it’s Elton John.

DOT.COMEDY
Légion Déshonorer for Services Toward Their Own Bank Balance: M+C Saatchi Advertising Co., Ltd.
A country whose public sector really could do with being slashed away to the absolute boner is Great Britain, where the various government-run GOV.UK websites have just received a comprehensive new rebrand in which the dot has been raised up from sitting down at the bottom of the letters to limply floating in the middle of them, like a circular turd in Pac-Man’s bathtub. For this amazing feat, the M+C Saatchi ad agency received £532,000 from the taxpayer.

To lend the false illusion of more value for money, the rebrand also came with a “free” 150-page guide for how to use this dot, which is six pages longer than the entire recent U.K. Strategic Defense Review. This contained useful practical information like “Our dot is the bridge between the government and the UK, by the side of users to help make information and services easier and more useful…. [The] dot is a guiding hand, for life.”

Meanwhile, as violent pro-Palestine marches and terrorism continue to spread across the U.K. as the nation’s own demographics slide ever more toward inevitable domination by Islam, rumors that Bibi Netanyahu plans to offer Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer double his £532,000 back if he will only slit his own foreskin off and continue supporting Israeli actions in the region by re-rebranding all state websites with the even newer ZOG.UK logo only grow stronger.

A SHITE AT THE MUSEUM
Légion Déshonorer for Services Toward Art: Karin Koch
Have you ever noticed how, thanks to attempts to “diversify” Western gallery spaces, a disproportionate number of the canvases contained in them now depict brown faces? At least one gallery over in Australia has a good excuse for this trend: All the paintings there are made of shit.

The Pooseum in Tasmania was founded in 2018 by a lady named Karin Koch in honor of a male friend who had died of bum disease after being too embarrassed to ask a doctor to sniff it and tell him what he thought. This made Karin “passionate about destigmatizing feces,” to the demented extent of launching a new gallery contest, “Expressive Portraits: Faces With Feces,” in which entrants have to gather up large amounts of random animal dung and then daub out a portrait of someone they admire with it.

To illustrate the general idea, Koch commissioned a sample poo portrait of a famous Australian politician and environmentalist called Bob Brown; he was called Bob White beforehand, but no longer.

This is all intended by Koch as the most appropriate way to remember her anally unfortunate old friend, who, she lamented, had suffered blood in his stools but “kept the information secret” for two whole years before dying. If he’d saved it all up, that particular color palette would have allowed him to make a great imitation Mark Rothko.

“For thousands of years, animal feces has been used in various ways, particularly in rural regions across Asia and Africa,” explained Koch, arguing that her contest was just a continuation of such traditions. Koch continued:

Animals see poo in a very different light [to humans]. For them, poo is a valuable resource. They use it to…mark their territory, catch a meal, and attract sexual partners. Feces are eaten, played with, and used for self-defense. Some animals evade predators by looking like poo!

And, if you believe Ms. Koch, it’s much the same for certain Africans, too. Maybe that’s another way President Trump can try to imitate Nelson Mandela? It would be great to see him rub some of his friend Bibi’s all over his face before reciting “Invictus” at the Nobel award ceremony.