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The Week’s Most NATO-Free-Ride, Uranium-Tries-to-Hide, and Disney-Child-Bride Headlines
PAY-PER-SOLDIERS
As President Trump arm-twists NATO members into spending 5 percent of their GDP on annoying ayatollahs, Great Britain has a major problem in complying: It is broke. Penny-pinching U.K. Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer has hit upon the desperate solution of arbitrarily reclassifying various forms of wholly unrelated government outlay, like telecoms and transport, as being supposedly “military” in their nature, on the spurious grounds that, at some hypothetical point in the future, a soldier, sailor, or airman might make some conceivable use of it.
So, for example, one day a tank may need to drive across a bridge. That now makes the bridge into military infrastructure. One day a soldier may need to make a phone call, send an email, or watch a short video of a cat. This makes the broadband network into military infrastructure. One day this very same soldier may even go so far as to desire to eat a potato. As Starmer’s new definition of “national security” also includes exceedingly generic things like “food prices,” ensuring it doesn’t cost the soldier more than £1.35 per family-size bag to do so now makes the potato into a form of military infrastructure too. Why not stick a fuse in one and call it a grenade?
The Royal Navy has just announced plans to purchase a brand-new weapons system, “Dragonfire,” designed to shoot down incoming enemy missiles, drones, shuttlecocks, and snowballs with intense, directed laser beams. Sounds impressive—until you consider the main reason the system has been procured is that, unlike expensive one-use defensive ballistic missiles, each round of Dragonfire laser repellant costs under £20, cheaper even than a box of fireworks.
“Outraged, Commander Trump developed a brand-new, zero-cost, single-use NATO superweapon all his own: the F-Bomb.”
Announcing the system’s invention in 2024, naval chiefs boasted it could accurately hit a £1 coin from a kilometer away. Announcing full procurement this summer, this boast had now been reduced down to hitting a 2 pence coin from a similar distance, a saving of some 98 pence per item of target-training material. That’s another half bag of spuds that can be stocked up on to throw at some frigates, then.
Fortunately, NATO’s chief likely future foe Russia is similarly ruble-strapped. Dire economic conditions are threatening the Kremlin’s war effort in Ukraine, with the price of staple foods, particularly potatoes, shooting through the roof by more than 50 percent since January: Should Vladimir Putin ever sink to Starmer’s level and try using those as makeshift explosives, the U.K. might actually be able to outspend him for once. Vegetable conflict with the Kremlin should still be approached by NATO with extreme caution, however. Never forget, Russia is the land of War and Peas.
THEATER OF WAR
Also suffering economic turmoil is Iran, a place now far less enriched than its own uranium. Fresh from being out-bombed by Tel Aviv and Washington, the Ayatollah’s Army responded in the only way it can presently afford: with an animated, LEGO-made propaganda video in which tiny yellow plastic versions of Donald Trump and Benjamin Netanyahu engage in a subterranean war conference with the Devil, before brave Islamic revolutionary forces fire missiles at cheap model Israeli F-35 jets and tower blocks.
If LASER stands for Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation, LEGO now stands for Less Expensive Government Ordnance; plastic weapons for a part-plastic war. Following their nuclear sites being blasted, the Iranians vowed “revenge” by firing off a volley of missiles toward a U.S. base in Qatar—but only after politely informing the Americans and Qataris they were going to do so first, thus allowing them all to be immediately swatted down like gnats. Likewise, before bombing Fordow, Trump had provided the Persians more than enough forewarning to be able to load all their pre-enriched uranium onto trucks and spirit it away.
Some countries, like Iran, have weapons so expensive they can’t possibly use them, like the enriched uranium. Other countries, like America, have weapons like bunker busters so expensive they can’t possibly not use them, otherwise they will seem like a waste of money. So, one country obligingly moves its expensive weapon out of the way so that the other country can use its expensive weapon pretending to destroy the other expensive weapon. Then both sides go home happy and call it having had a war. Others, more in touch with their own childhood memories, may prefer to just call it a game of adult hide-and-seek.
“Israel is not going to attack Iran!” Trump later typed online, announcing a ceasefire. “All planes will turn around while doing a friendly ‘Plane Wave’ to Iran. Nobody will be hurt, the Ceasefire is in effect!”
Then Israel attacked Iran again.
TRASH TALK IS CHEAP
Outraged, Commander Trump developed a brand-new, zero-cost, single-use NATO superweapon all his own: the F-Bomb. Following Israel and Iran breaking their fake ceasefire, Trump publicly complained that “We basically have two countries that have been fighting so long and so hard they don’t know what the fuck they are doing,” unlike him.
NATO Secretary-General Mark Rutte immediately purred his approval, explaining how “Sometimes Daddy has to use strong words,” if not necessarily any polysyllabic ones.
The crude shock F-Bomb pronouncement of this latter-day Orange Metternich before the world’s watching media had the desired effect, both sides in the Middle East putting away their LEGO V-2 kits and resuming playing nicely with each other. The trouble is, just as with real nuclear weaponry, once the initial genie is out of the bottle, Insult Bombs have a tendency to proliferate and grow ever more destructive and indiscriminate in their nature.
Once upon a time, we had the purely tactical-use Israelite Z-Bomb (“Zounds! Thou hast better not destroy those Walls of Jericho, o ye accursed Gentiles!”) and the medium-yield French D-Bomb (“Now listen here, leave that Damn Maginot Line alone, Fritz!”), whose effectiveness as a means of sweary deterrent history teaches us proved only temporary. Eventually, the linguistic scientists of other nations will develop the technical means to tell Donald Trump to fuck off too, at which point America will have no choice but to develop a new, even more awesome weapon-of-last-resort: the C-Bomb. Should Trump get angry enough to call Putin or Xi one of those on live TV, World War III will follow right on cue after the next ad break.
In the meantime, if anyone out there ever manages to develop such a thing as a Truth-Bomb, Trump and Netanyahu really will be fucked.
KEEPING THE WOLF FROM THE DOOR
One world leader using current events in the Holy Land to justify genuinely increasing his military budget is Argentina’s Javier Milei. Milei is best known for taking a buzzing chain saw to government largesse, hence his admirable slogan “No hay plata!” (or “There is no money!”) when it comes to unnecessary fripperies like DEI schemes, international aid, or hospitals. There is enough money available, however, to increase spending on Argentina’s armed forces from 0.5 percent of GDP to 2 percent of GDP over the next decade.
Argentina doesn’t really have any natural enemies, though, leading Milei to eagerly exploit the joint U.S.-Israeli strikes to declare that, all of a sudden, “Iran is an enemy of Argentina,” and that, by blitzing its nuclear sites, Bibi and Don were “saving Western civilization.” But Iran is far away, and its missiles cannot reach Argentina’s soil. So how is it an enemy? Well, Milei thinks there is a prime potential Jewish target available to be aimed at by the Shia lunatics in Argentina today: himself.
Although not actually Jewish, Milei has repeatedly said he wishes he were Jewish, and has begun acting accordingly: hence his constant cry of “There is no money!” Javier the Jew’s main ducat-hoarding tactic for boosting defense cash is to slash the nation’s immense amounts of wasteful public spending—particularly its overgenerous, state-backed werewolf-prevention scheme.
In native folklore, it is said that any family’s seventh child will inevitably turn into a wolfman, or lobizón, during the full moon. To prevent this, beginning in 1974, a nationwide law was enacted, formally making the country’s president the godfather of any suspiciously hairy baby, handing them out a protective blessed solid-gold medal and an educational scholarship to get them through those difficult Teen Wolf years. Since the law’s passage, 12,000 children have been “saved” from werewolfery in this way. By trimming such fatuous fat, Milei thinks he can easily quadruple defense spending by 2035.
Over on Downing Street, the even more aspirantly Jewish-minded Sir Keir McDuck is watching closely. Under an equally outdated old law from the Boris Johnson era in 2021, every newborn infant in the Greater London area was made the godchild of the PM likewise and handed a large Treasury-funded Child Support Agency settlement, on the grounds there was at least a 50/50 chance Johnson was their actual father. By scrapping this outdated regulation, it is estimated Starmer could save the British State approximately £12 trillion per annum, immediately rendering it the biggest military spender in all of NATO. Just imagine how many potatoes, telephones, and bridges the British Army could buy for that!
TONE-DEAF IN VENICE
There is nowhere on the planet an infidel Westerner can go these days without potentially being atomized by a bearded millenarian nutcase with a big black rag wrapped around his skull. This is why a new survey shows Americans increasingly fear venturing abroad, leading reasons including bad experiences in the past (15 percent), not knowing much about their destination (27 percent), and being randomly bombed to shit by Trump, Netanyahu, or Ayatollah Khamenei (96.7 percent).
Even the billionaire Amazon founder Jeff Bezos’ lavish and wasteful wedding to Lauren Sánchez in Venice this week had to have its venue switched at the last minute, away from a vulnerable city-center palazzo to a heavily fortified shipyard area, after it was feared Iran may try to attack the occasion on account of Trump’s daughter Ivanka being on the celebrity guest list. As others scheduled for attendance included Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Leonardo DiCaprio, Katy Perry, and the Kardashians, it could easily be argued Iran would have done infinitely more damage to America by not bombing and killing everyone present, leading to a last-minute change of plan by a man in Tehran.
This left angry anti-poverty and anti-waste protesters (“No hay plata!”) to take matters into their own hands to disrupt the nuptials instead, by threatening to fill Venice’s canals with giant inflatable crocodiles to prevent unwanted foreign guests from landing on Venetian shores in their hired gondolas. Over in London, PM Starmer looked on with interest at another potential cheapskate way for the Royal Navy to block the English Channel from being invaded by any further migrant boats in imitation.
But what precise kind of immigrants may Scrooge have had in mind to repel from Albion’s fair shores…?
MALE ORDERED BRIDE
Bezos’ wasn’t even the most tasteless European wedding this week. In Disneyland Paris, another man who would doubtless greatly enjoy being called “Daddy” by Mark Rutte was 39-year-old Jaksam Jhaj, an alleged “Englishman” arrested by French police for attempting to stage a public marriage to a 9-year-old white girl, paying out £111,000 to hire 100 fake guests to witness the atrocity. The event was staged at Euro Disney’s Sleeping Beauty Castle, temporarily renamed Rohypnol Castle for the day.
The girl’s Ukrainian mother was also arrested but protested she only wanted her daughter to “feel like a Disney Princess.” Which one? Princess Jasmine being abducted by Jafar? The last blonde white princess to go for a night out with a Muslim in Paris didn’t exactly walk away intact with a fairy-tale ending, did she?
Once apprehended, you’ll never guess what: It turned out Jaksam Jhaj was a known convicted pedophile! Helpfully aiming to confirm this fact, in 2020 he had even released a two-hour online movie, Dangerous Sexual Predator, in which he drove around topless in a 4×4 in the company of schoolgirls, acting like…well, like a dangerous sexual predator. Imprisoned in 2016 for sexually assaulting two 15-year-olds, in 2023 the inexplicably well-off Jhaj recruited a crowd of underage girls as young as 6 to dress in school uniforms and pretend to be his adoring, fainting fans at a filmed fake movie premiere in London’s West End; it is to be presumed the movie being shown was Lolita.
Screw nuclear missiles. If the Third World Muslim nations of the Earth like Iran really want to destroy the West, why don’t they just keep sending us all their people?