Source: Bigstock

The Week’s Most Iran-Gets-a-Nuking, Academic-Lies-a-Puking, and Rappers-Start-a-Duking Headlines

WAR AND PIZZA
Time was all an increase in customer activity at a Washington, D.C., pizza restaurant signified was that Bill and Hillary Clinton wanted another fresh young child to rape down in the basement. Last week what an uptick in orders indicated was altogether more geopolitically significant: Israel was about to bomb Iran.

Although the attack was kept secret by Trump and Netanyahu until the last possible moment, staff at pizza joints surrounding the White House and Pentagon figured out something was up when, a few hours before munitions began falling, the number of callout snacks being ordered increased tenfold, a dead giveaway that military planners were bracing themselves for a draining, all-night session of concentrated mullah-bombing.

The “Pentagon Pizza Index” is supposedly a real thing, with an account online, The Pentagon Pizza Report, closely monitoring how many deep-crusts and Full Hawaiians are eaten across the Washington area on a nightly basis; the more purchased, the closer the world is to war, a makeshift culinary Doomsday Clock. The phenomenon was first noted in 1989, just prior to the U.S. invasion of Panama, and is reportedly so reliable that the account monitoring such patterns has 100,000 followers, albeit apparently not in Iran, where Pizza Hut is considered haram (although they have their own knockoff halal anti-capitalist equivalent, the pathetically named Pizza Hat; until 1979, they also had a Burger Shah).

Realizing a potential security risk, top brass immediately issued a statement denying any correlation between pizza orders and military orders, pointing out that the Pentagon building had its own canteen, and employees could easily purchase pizza there. The Pentagon Pizza Report countered this denial by citing an alternative, and probably altogether more reliable, intel source: Footfall at the Pentagon’s nearest gay bar had collapsed dramatically the night Israel’s attacks were launched, too. With all those nice young pizza delivery boys arriving at Langley that evening, there was no longer any need for the top brass to visit, was there?

Meanwhile, President Trump subsequently revealed he knew “exactly” where Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was hiding, making him “an easy target” for when U.S.-Israeli forces finally decided to kill him. How did Washington know the location? The Guardian Council of Mullahs must have ordered one too many Ghormeh Sabzi toppings from the Tehran branch of Pizza Hat. Or possibly just one too many fresh young boys from Bill and Hillary Clinton.

YE GODS!
Less willing to bomb Iran in the name of Zion might be conspicuously Jew-baiting black rapper Kanye West, or Ye as he is known these days—or maybe even Ye Ye, as it was misleadingly reported he had changed his title to anew, having filed recent business documents under that name. In fact, this was only the result of intransigent online registration forms requiring his financial manager to fill in both a first name and a surname in computerized boxes with no option to leave either blank; shades of Major Major from Catch-22.

“Realizing a potential security risk, top brass immediately issued a statement denying any correlation between pizza orders and military orders.”

Maybe instead of Ye Ye, the singer should really rechristen himself Yo Yo, as when it comes to the specific issue of Jews, he seems to swing both ways. Having not long ago released a bizarre new Führer-fellatin’ single, “Nigga Heil Hitler,” a few weeks later Kanye abruptly reverse-marched, being now “done with anti-Semitism” and declaring that “After further reflection I’ve come to the realization I’m not a Nazi.” That same excuse certainly worked quite well for Albert Speer at Nuremberg.

By daring to publicly criticize the Jews who he hinted controlled the music industry, Kanye boasted his words now made him “90 percent Jew-proof,” meaning “I am not under Jewish control any more.” Is he sure?

Looking up the word “Ye” online, we can find it has several different meanings in a number of world languages. Besides being the archaic English word for “you,” it also functions as a gender-neutral pronoun in Swahili, is used to indicate a paternal grandfather in Chinese, and refers to an obscure plant of the species Spondias mombin “in some Nigerian contexts”…but it is also the Yiddish word for “yes.”

So, in fact, his new name, Ye Ye—registered against Kanye’s conscious will with the relevant financial authorities by his all-powerful manager—means “Yes Jew, Yes Jew!” in the Jews’ own ancestral tongue. Controlled, puppetlike, to perform their every bidding, even though he doesn’t realize it, False-Consciousness Kanye will be seen in a B-2 stealth bomber dropping bunker-busting warheads on buried Iranian centrifuges in Fordow before the week is out.

In conclusion, it should be noted that Kanye only changed his name in the first place as he considered “West” to be his whitey-given “slave name,” choosing “Ye” instead, as it is the most commonly used word in the King James Bible. The most commonly used word in Kanye’s own voluminous lyrical output appears to be “nigger,” but replacing his slave name with that would not have made much sense even for him.

SHORE LEAVE
Is the entire West becoming ever more Nazi even as we speak, or just the Kanye West portion of it? To celebrate eighty years since the (temporary) liberation of Europe, French authorities have blown taxpayers’ euros on making feeble AI-forged “historical” TikTok propaganda films about the French Resistance to persuade the country’s youth to be more patriotic—some may argue they already are patriotic, just for other countries like Algeria, Cameroon, and Senegal. Unfortunately, being AI-created, said films featured a few minor errors, such as computer-generated Wehrmacht soldiers cheering their own defeat in the Paris streets on Liberation Day.

Why might Nazi troops have cheered their own 1945 downfall? Perhaps because, in the long run, they knew it would transform itself into victory—in the shape of the eventual election of Orange Obersturmbannführer Donald Drumpf across the Atlantic in November 2024.

That is the opinion of Prof. Marci Shore, a onetime Yale University professor and self-confessed “neurotic catastrophist” who gave an interview this week wailing that, as leading academic experts on the history of fascism, she and her husband, Prof. Timothy Snyder, felt they had no option but to flee across the border to Canada following Trump’s election, to seek asylum from incipient Nazi dictatorship there. The fact that Shore and Snyder were already living and working in Canada anyway is but a minor detail.

Being such all-time experts in the history of fascism, Shore and Snyder knew from their “My First Big Nazi Wall Chart” coloring-in display poster (lots of brown pencils necessary) that Adolf Hitler himself had been elected leader of Germany in 1933. Therefore, “The lesson of 1933 is: you get out sooner rather than later.” No, the actual main lesson of 1933 for far-left hysterics like Shore is “Everything I don’t like should be immediately and hyperbolically compared to 1933 in order to spuriously discredit it as being irredeemably evil,” a tactic that, ironically enough, actually comes straight out of 1984, not 1933.

Shore was particularly concerned by “the sight of tanks transported into Washington DC ahead of the military parade” there last week. It was a military parade. What did she think would be paraded through the streets there? Giant Pentagon pizzas on caterpillar tracks?

The fascist-themed fantasies of the “neurotic catastrophist” about the sinister GOP (Germans On Parade) faction just kept on coming. On the morning of Trump’s election, she found herself “lying on the floor of my office, throwing up into a plastic bag.” It’s not Trump’s fault you’re high on crack, Marci. The first time she saw Sarah Palin, meanwhile, “I felt like she was a character right out of the 1930s.” Which one, Betty Boop?

Being Jewish, Shore grew up in Allentown, Pa., surrounded by Holocaust survivors, something that made her “anxious and neurotic since birth”—why, she even came out of her mother’s womb crying. So, in the fearful, tear-and-vomit-filled eyes of Shore, under Donald Trump a kind of second Holocaust may be about to be unleashed any day now.

Yeah, but on Iran, not on the Jews of Allentown. Trump is a man so rabidly “anti-Jewish” that he is currently mulling over whether or not to voluntarily go to war for the Jewish State of Israel in order to prevent what he thinks would be a different second Holocaust of a nuclear variety unleashed against it by a cabal of eschatologically inclined Pizza Hat loyalty-badge customers in Tehran.

“Without a distinction between truth and lies, there is no distinction between good and evil,” Professor Shore concluded. Perhaps best to stop blatantly lying about Donald Trump being Adolf Hitler, then, eh, Marci? Just because there’s an extra Diet Coke being ordered from the Pennsylvania Avenue branch of McDonald’s one night doesn’t mean the President is about to invade Poland. Unless Bibi Netanyahu tells him to, obviously.

YOU CAN’T GET ANY ISRAELIA THAN AZEALIA
If Marci Shore really feels threatened by looming genocide in Trump’s America, then when 2028 comes around perhaps she should cast her next vote for Azealia Banks, the reverse-Kanye black female rapper from Harlem who came out for Jerusalem last week by posting “I’m a Zionist” on her social media accounts.

Why so? Largely because Azealia thinks the true genocidal people in the world these days are Muslims, and not only the Jew-killers of Hamas. “BITCH, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY FUCKING BLACK CHILDREN HAVE BEEN MURDERED AT THE HANDS OF ARABS?” she asked one online opponent, a heartening reference to the fact that at least one black woman out there recognizes that more Africans were enslaved and slaughtered by brown Middle Easterners down the centuries than were treated similarly by white Europeans.

At this point, a novel diplomatic proposal occurs. Kanye West is too anti-Jew. Azealia Banks is too anti-Arab. Surely a happy medium is possible. If only the two could be persuaded to get married and have a child, the consequent pH-neutral offspring might come out as a perfect political moderate on the whole vexed issue, the one and only individual who could bring perpetual harmony and equilibrium to the entire Middle East.

Then again, maybe not, as its double-barreled surname would be West-Banks. Come the inevitable bitter celebrity divorce, there’d be little chance of any peaceful settlement taking place there.

EXODUS FROM EGYPT
In response to Banks’ staunch invective against Hamas and Islam, one offended white European called Azealia a “dumb Zio,” before ending his tweet with “Free Palestine.”

“So go free it, honky!!!” she responded. “If u feel so strong, get up and go join Hamas u fucking soft tiddy.”

And that, no doubt, was how last week’s laughable “Global March to Gaza” got started, in which a bunch of 4,000 largely overprivileged, white, and Western people wearing novelty kaffiyehs tried to waltz up to Gaza’s highly militarized eastern border with Egypt and demand Cairo’s troops immediately open the Gates of Hell and let all the Gazans flood in, just like that, because they were there on the scene at last, and all the primitive, backwards brown wog-people had to do what they said now, in the name of anti-colonialist anti-racism. One pale pink British marcher named Tamsin self-identified only as an “empathetic human”—the “em” prefix there was wholly unneeded.

Less empathetic were the marchers’ unwilling hosts. Locals showed their deep levels of appreciation for being told what to do by random foreigners by gathering round the marchers in a big mob, whipping them, and throwing bottles at their heads until the moral tourists all ended up getting arrested by Egyptian police and deported straight back where they came from. “Fuck you, Egypt!” the tanless interlopers then began chanting while imprisoned on a fleet of buses on their way to the airport.

Maybe when the newly anti-Egyptian protesters land back home, they could petition Israel to attack the country in revenge, seize a large strip of its land, and then section off all the Palestinians to live away safely in peace inside there. Being mainly educated in the history classrooms of Prof. Marci Shore, as far as the vast majority of the marchers themselves knew, that particular solution had never before been tried, so it had to have been at least worth a shot.

In the meantime, pizza sales across the entire Arab world continue to rise exponentially. Do Bibi and Donald secretly own shares in Pizza Hat or something? Turns out the Domino’s Effect didn’t just begin and end with the Korean War.