Source: Bigstock
The Week’s Most Poo-Down-the-Throat, Child-Suicide-Note, and Greta-in-a-Boat Headlines
NON-PC PURSUITS
In our brave new multiculti world, we are always being sermonized upon the importance of “inclusion.” So it is hard not to feel sorry for the officers of England’s Derbyshire Police Force, who were only doing as instructed and attempting to make minoritarian brown Police Constable Shafarat Mohammed feel one of the majoritarian white gang by including him in their back-office game of “Snog, Marry, Avoid” before showing him a series of photographs of local black street-prostitutes and asking him which ones he would most like to have sex with.
PC Mohammed, you may be unsurprised to hear, was a Muslim, who felt “embarrassed” and “offended” by the sexually explicit pastime on offer. As such, he subsequently made a claim of racial and religious discrimination against the force, but this was dismissed this week by a judge, who told him he should really have sued for sexual harassment here, not racial or religious harassment.
However, being a Muslim of proud Pakistani background, Mohammed claimed to have no concept of any such mysterious notion, before producing a series of photographs of 12-year-old white English girls from his pocket and asking the judge if he wanted to come around to the room above his uncle’s kebab shop that night and play an innocent game of “Groom, Rape, Abandon” with them and his sixteen adult male cousins.
IT’S JUST A LITTLE PRICK…
Before long it won’t be white Westerners who are being asked to make imported minority groups like Constable Mohammed feel included in their traditional homelands, but the other way around. New figures released by the Pew Research Center show a disturbing increase in the number of Muslims on Planet Islam, compared with the number of Christians.
Israel is doing its best to try to restore the natural balance, but Bibi Netanyahu can’t exterminate the rag-heads all on his own, meaning Muslims now make up 25.6 percent of the world’s population, with Christians’ traditional large lead being shaved down to only 28.8 percent. Yet, as the average Muslim is younger, aged only 24, this means the near future belongs inevitably to them. The typical global Christian is a comparatively doddery 33 years old, and we all know what happened to Jesus Christ when he reached that age: The Israelis killed Him, too.
The only hope for the white race may lie in an unexpected quarter: the slimming injection Ozempic, which allegedly has the unforeseen side effect of making users’ penises go Olympic. According to several American users’ testimonies now being highlighted online, besides making male patients shed the pounds, it is also making their genitals an average 1.5 inches longer, in a condition dubbed “Ozemdick.”
“A far more effective artistic image to place upon the side of a condom to discourage reproduction among users would simply be the face of Greta Thunberg.”
Might this happy news also lead to a corresponding increase in white Christian fertility? Unlikely. It appears the “increase” in size may be a mere optical illusion caused by the shrinkage of shaft-obscuring fat from around the base of the dangling item.
This news didn’t prevent prominent Ozempic weight-loss champion Elon Musk from proudly announcing his own penis had just increased by 1.5 inches in length anyway. It was, he boasted, now 1.5 inches in length.
Meanwhile, once she lost all her own old weight thanks to Ozempic too, Rebel Wilson found hers was even bigger.
DUTCH CAP
No matter how large a white Christian penis is, it won’t be able to produce any more baby Papists or Protestants if it is selfishly locked away inside a condom, sinful artificial sperm-blocking devices that it now transpires demographically shortsighted Westerners have been making illicit use of for centuries.
Over in Holland, the Rijksmuseum this week unveiled its latest exhibit—a dried-out 200-year-old condom described as being “a souvenir” from a French brothel. The usual “souvenir” from such an institution being syphilis, this made the item highly rare and worth an amazing 1,000 euros at a literal Dutch auction, far more than the pro rata cost of an actual prostitute, or so the acknowledged experts at Derbyshire Police Force informed curious Dutch curators.
Prophylactics back in those days were not prepackaged in rolled-up disposable form, but basically amounted to a form of reusable, loose, and hard-sided genital “sock” that you simply slipped your penis into and hoped it didn’t fall off during the act (the condom, not the penis). This gave condom craftsmen an opportunity to display their artistic side, in this instance by drawing a dirty picture of a nun demonstrating bad habits by spreading her legs in front of three waiting priests with their Ozemdicks out “in a state of sexual arousal,” with the nun pointing at one of them and saying, “This is my choice,” in what was meant to be an obscene parody of the Judgment of Paris from Homer’s Iliad, but which now comes across as an uncanny anticipation of the later invention of Tinder.
Fashioned from a sheep’s appendix in the 1830s and described as being in “mint condition,” Rijksmuseum staff examined the primitive sheath beneath UV light in search of antique dried semen stains to determine whether it had actually ever been used, and, if so, by whom—the inked-in phrase “PROPERTY OF J. BIDEN” may have been a small clue. If only he hadn’t left the damn thing behind after him in Paris all those centuries back, Hunter need never have happened.
THE GRETA ESCAPE
These days, a far more effective artistic image to place upon the side of a condom to discourage reproduction among users would simply be the face of Greta Thunberg together with the Holocaust-aping words “NEVER AGAIN”—the very prospect of fertilizing a zygote like Greta would be enough to make most people fill up their condom with a patented mixture of superglue, bleach, sulfuric acid, and cement prior to penetration, just to make sure.
Professional Hamasturbator Greta was in the headlines once again this week after her sad little celebrity “flotilla” (of one boat) carrying tiny amounts of Elastoplasts and falafel to Gaza was intercepted by Israeli forces, before the dish-faced Swedish Doom-Goblin herself was immediately deported away to France; if she heads down to the nearest beach and hops into a dinghy there, she should have rather less trouble effecting forced maritime entry into Great Britain.
Accusing the Zionists of “kidnapping” her, Greta was roundly mocked when photos of said “kidnapping” clearly showed an Israeli soldier politely offering her a large sandwich to eat, which, observers of her habitual hypocrisy noted, she really ought to have turned down point-blank upon point of pure environmental principle: It was wrapped in plastic.
What a shame her dad’s penis wasn’t wrapped up likewise at the point of her conception.
COGITO ERGO CUM
Another possible reason besides excessive condom use as to why white (formerly) Christian people are failing to reproduce enough these days might be because their children are all turning queer. To curb this trend, Republican authorities in Texas have introduced a new bill attempting to outlaw what they termed “sex clubs” in schools.
By this, Republicans actually meant “queer kids’ clubs,” but rainbow-friendly Democrats complained it made them sound like gay brothels, when all they really were was “a place where kids come together.” Why couldn’t they just do that behind closed doors in the school toilets like past generations always used to do?
Disturbed to the point of contemplating immediate suicide by such “genocidal” Republican actions, hyperventilating queer Texan teens began writing letters to their fully grown adult selves, congratulating them on their future failure to swallow cyanide, just semen. One poignant child-penned letter released to the media went like this:
Dear 50-Year-Old Gay,
Me
“Existence is resistance,” the defiantly non-suicidal children of Texas declared, in vague imitation of a militant gay Descartes. If only they could be handed over a few free razor blades and convinced that the reverse was in fact the case, we all might be a bit better off.
“EVIAN” SPELLED BACKWARDS IS “NAIVE”
Why are so many white Western kids in formerly hypermasculine places like Texas turning queer anyhow? Maybe there’s something in the water, a possibility that perhaps helps explain why some cautious citizens are going to such lengths to source alternative forms of hydration from elsewhere.
A new trend of “designer water” is now being reported, in which fully qualified “water sommeliers” give clients “expert” advice on which bottles of vastly overpriced, semi-identical, tasteless clear liquid would be best for their own personal palates. Just how much of a con this is can be ascertained from the following paragraph in The New York Times:
The water you buy falls into one of two broad categories: purified and natural. Purified water is essentially tap water stripped of minerals and impurities. Sometimes, a company like Coca-Cola, which owns [the bottled-water brand] Dasani, will add minerals back in.
And then, if Coca-Cola takes what they’ve just put back in back out again, can they charge RFK Jr. even more for it?
To be fair, some niche, specialist brands of purified “luxury” water do contain genuine special ingredients. In Texas, to counter all the tap water turning their kids gay, local Republicans have started producing a brand laced with lithium called “Crazy Water.” Just over the southern border, a rival Mexican brand of luxury water laced with trace elements of drugs is also available. It’s just called “water.”
A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR HELPS THE MEDICINE GO BROWN
Another cheap and excellent way to add extra minerals to water is to filter it through your bladder straight into a bottle. How much might Coca-Cola be able to charge customers for a bottle of purest piss? Some may argue they’ve been running an extended experiment in asking that very question for the past 139 years now.
An even better question might be how much customers might be willing to shell out for a small container of freeze-dried human excrement. If you live in the U.K., the answer might well be “nothing”—because, if a new trial in so-called “crapsule” technology proves successful, citizens may be able to get them handed out to eat free of charge on the NHS.
National Health Service doctors in London have announced a trial aimed at persuading patients with poor stores of gut bacteria to begin swallowing powdered frozen stool samples from more healthy individuals, who will be encouraged to donate turds at special “stool banks.” The process is known as “trans-poo-tion” and involves crapsules being swallowed, surviving the path through the stomach and then dissolving in the intestines, where the healthy bacteria spread out and colonize the entire body, a bit like drinking Yakult, but slightly less foul-tasting.
Patients are now being encouraged by friendly NHS poo-pushers to literally swallow shit, thereby allowing their bad old gut bacteria to be replaced with a new, “healthier and more diverse microbiome.” Diversity really is our strength, then! Except…might there be more to it than all this?
The more elderly you are, the more likely you are to suffer illnesses of the gastroenteric tract. The more elderly you are in Great Britain, the more likely you are to be white. The more feces you swallow, meanwhile, the more brownish-tinged your skin color is likely to turn.
As U.K. NHS medics these days are disproportionately more likely to be from the Indian subcontinent, including Muslim Pakistan, is this just yet another hidden facet of the global Islamic plot to speed along the Great Replacement of white Christianity with brown Islam, as warned of by the Pew Research Center? White dog poo has already all but disappeared from the streets of Great Britain, to be replaced mainly by darker, more chocolaty hues; is this all just the next stage in the sinister neo-Ottoman plan of world conquest?
Maybe it’s time to get red-pilled about being brown-pilled.