Sean P. Diddler Combs
Source: Bigstock
The Week’s Most Diddy-Humping, Bum-Trumping, and Biden-Bumping Headlines
THE DECLINE OF THE WEST
Black white supremacist rapper Kanye West (also known as “Ye,” soon to be known as “Inpatient #88”) has caused controversy with his new singles “Nigga Heil Hitler” and “WW3,” both released on VE Day to mark eighty years since the sad defeat of Adolf Hitler in his noble campaign against the arrayed forces of International Jewry.
Kanye has previously accused America’s Jews of abusing their control of the global music industry by banning him from social media, stealing away custody of his children, making fashion models too fat for him to fondle, and just generally twisting his melon, man. As such, following his latest outburst, the Hidden Hands who previously signed West’s paychecks felt they had to teach him a lesson and prove they didn’t control the music biz and the media whatsoever…by taking down all footage and streams of his new songs online to try to ruin his music-biz career.
Kanye’s “WW3” track featured deliberately provocative lyrics like these, referencing some critics’ belief that, by criticizing Jewish music moguls, he was basically Adolf Hitler incarnate:
They tellin’ me that I’m a bully,
I’m anti-Semitic fully,
They sayin’ I’m actin’ like Hitler,
But how am I actin’ like Hitler,
When I am a fuckin’ nigger?
In that you both decided to commit acts of sudden suicide as April turned into May one year, perhaps?
Kanye reportedly believes that black people are the true Jews in this world, and that Jewish Jews (you know, the ones who are Jews) are merely impostors. To be fair, the genuinely Jewish Mel Brooks apparently believes the precise reverse, that Jews are the true blacks, given his own previous culturally appropriating 1983 attempt at making a Hitler rap, something for which, oddly enough, he himself was never canceled for racism.
Maybe the specific millionaire Jew who controls Kanye’s world is Mel himself, and he’s just pulling some kind of cunning Producers-style investment insurance scam on West here to profit from trashing his client’s career via the release of egregiously Nazi-themed deliberate flop music.
We shall know a soon-to-be-bankrupt West wishes to worm his way back into the Jews’ good Torahs when his next single turns out to be a hip-hop cover version called “Hava Nigga-lah.”
COONS ON DRUGS
During a recent traffic stop, police in Springfield, Ohio, discovered a pet raccoon named “Chewy” with a meth pipe in its mouth, sitting in the driver’s seat. Why was a poor, innocent, dumb animal being force-fed unwanted drugs like this? Probably because Sean “P. Diddy” Combs wanted to watch the motorist responsible have sex with it.
“Kanye reportedly believes that black people are the true Jews in this world, and that Jewish Jews (you know, the ones who are Jews) are merely impostors.”
Diddy Kong’s ongoing trial on charges of sex trafficking has heard evidence from the singer Cassie Ventura, who Diddy had signed up to his aptly named Bad Boy Records label, before, so she says, manipulating her into becoming his much younger lover and making her engage in so-called “freak offs”: ketamine- and booze-fueled group-sex sessions with male prostitutes with ominous names like “The Punisher” that could last as long as three whole days.
The rent boys were smeared in Johnson & Johnson baby oil, but Cassie ended up smothered in other slippery fluids too—including urine, as Pee Diddy allegedly ordered the man-whores to piss in her mouth, besides emptying his bladder onto her himself. The black male also reportedly filmed these sessions, hoping to use the resultant porn footage to blackmail the black female into continuing to be his slave girl.
Boy, Cassie sure must be relieved to have signed up to have her music career controlled and managed by a nice, kind black man rather than by the evil Tin Pan Alley Jews like Kanye did! If Mel Brooks ever sank so low as to urinate in his own client-slave Kanye West’s mouth, it could only have been by accident: Unlike Diddy, Brooks is 98.
EWOK-PLACE MALPRACTICE
There really are some terrible employers around right now. A National Health Service (NHS) blood donation employee in the U.K. has just been awarded the extremely precise sum of £29,989 and 61 pence after a coworker compared her to Darth Vader as a joke (although if you look at the actual Employment Tribunal judgment, there was a bit more to it than this, but it was all far too boring for anyone to report).
As part of a “team-building” exercise, NHS bloodsuckers sat an online personality-test questionnaire to see which Star Wars character they most resembled. Lorna Rooke was out of the room at the time eviscerating a Wookiee, so another colleague took the quiz for her, with revelations of Rooke’s innate Lord Vaderiness being the inevitable outcome. So offended was Rooke by this label, she slashed everyone in the room to death with her lightsaber before claiming the unwarranted slur had contributed to her subsequent resignation.
In court, NHS managers rather desperately tried arguing that, apart from the trifling matter of being the genocidal, black-hued embodiment of all galactic evil, like Kanye West, Mr. Vader possessed certain other counterbalancing “positive attributes,” such as openly acknowledging he was Luke Skywalker’s father and thus admitting full liability for child support payments (highly unusual for a black man), but this cut no ice with the judge.
Another dubious British workplace practice has just arisen from Oxford University, where, a new book alleges, fellows at Worcester College had been using a special chalice fashioned from the skull of a dead black female Caribbean slave to swill their wine from at dinner parties. The habit only ended when the skull started to leak, at which point the fellows finally decided to do the decent thing—and begin using it as a handy chocolate dish instead.
Once news emerged, campaigners were outraged. Just wait until they find out about Worcester College’s remaining secret hidden Bell Curve Drinking Cabinet, tucked away behind a false wall panel. For small drams of whiskey, the academics produce a chalice made from the tiny cranial cavity of an Australian Aborigine. For double measures, it’s a slightly larger sub-Saharan African skull. Ordinary units of wine and beer go in Caucasian and East Asian skulls. Whenever they have a full bottle of White Lightning to be disposed of, they just break out the Ashkenazi Jew head and go crazy, like sucking absinthe and vodka out of a pumpkin with a straw at Halloween.
PLEASE PUNISH MY JOHNSON, DADDY
If P. Diddy had been Master of Worcester College, dons would doubtless have been pumped full of a special enhanced form of meth drained out from the blood system of a stoned raccoon by former NHS employee Darth Vader and encouraged to use the dead Caribbean woman’s skull as a posthumous bukkake bowl for a collective Oxbridge game of soggy biscuit. Any resultant footage of such explicit freak-off sessions released by Diddy online may soon fall foul of U.S. law, however, at least if GOP senator Mike Lee of Utah gets his way.
Lee has unveiled draft legislation aimed at making pornography de facto illegal across America. Having noted that the publication of “obscene” material is already technically illegal, Lee aims to legally redefine just what “obscene” actually means to take in anything that “appeals to a prurient interest in nudity, sex or excretion” and that, “taken as a whole, lacks serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value”: this present column, for example.
This all comes on the heels of prior revelations from Republican House Speaker Mike “Please Don’t Prosecute Me Too Just Because My Own Surname Is a Synonym for a Penis” Johnson, who previously admitted that he and his teenage son religiously monitor each other’s phones and laptops to check if either has been watching any smut on them, each acting as the other’s pornographic “accountability partner.”
If either is ever found to have lapsed in this respect, then father and son are encouraged to harshly punish each other in the name of Jesus—something that, ironically, sounds rather like the initial setup scenario for an objectively obscene gay porn movie in and of itself.
Wait…the male prostitutes described during the P. Diddy trial wore Johnson & Johnson baby oil, and one of them was called “The Punisher.” Is the true reason Johnsons Sr. and Jr. don’t watch any porn because they’re secretly too busy making it?
BOWEL MOVEMENT
A “Family Fart Walk” may sound like the most niche genre of internet pornography imaginable, one that would make even P. Diddy turn his jaded eyes away in disgust, but it is in fact a genuine new form of health practice recommended by qualified American doctors. The “exercise regime” [sic] is currently going viral, thanks to the best efforts of all-time ass-noise experts like Dr. Tim Tiutan, who is not a lost Aztec city but a physician of “internal medicine” in New York.
According to physicians like Dr. Tim, an exercise called “crop-dusting”—going outside and emitting anal methane onto trees and plants following a good meal—is the best way for families to keep healthy whilst simultaneously spending quality time together, and exterminating all unwanted leaf-munching garden aphids to boot. So, next time P. Diddy asks Cassie if he can fart on her bush in the garden and film it and she says no, he can tell her it’s doctor’s orders.
It seems rectum-rumbling within sixty minutes following a meal can stave off diabetes, as breaking wind helps dissipate body-sugar spikes that ensue after eating, particularly for retirees. If you get elderly relatives to pump gas onto your dessert, you can put yourself off eating such sweetness-laced treats at all, making diabetes even more unlikely.
A Canadian cook named Mairlyn Smith (the registrar who completed her birth certificate was dyslexic) brags of taking a Family Fart Walk after every meal with her husband: It’s the deadliest crop-dusting scene since North by Northwest.
SO SUMO ME!
How lazy do you have to be to consider farting a form of “exercise”? Not as lazy as those London-based literal fitness freaks who have lately adopted a highly antisocial Japanese practice called “butsukari otoko,” or “bumping man.”
This basically involves well-built individuals (apparently Japan does have them) who initially look like innocent joggers suddenly acting like charging bulls by running directly into smaller and weaker individuals like women and the elderly, aiming to knock them to the ground or into nearby rivers, canals, and rail tracks. But might the hobby actually possess some surprising legitimate utility to it?
The term “butsukari” is taken from sumo, where one wrestler pushes another during training to build their muscles and balance up. One man who could have done with such essential stamina training of late was Joe Biden, who was so prone to falling over in public, he didn’t even need a Japanese misogynist to run into him like a psychotic ram to make it happen.
A new tell-all book, Original Sin, discloses Joe was falling over so much in the lead-up to the 2024 election that aides considered strapping him into a wheelchair, like FDR in an adult diaper. Yet Jaded Joe stubbornly refused to comply.
Instead, advisers should have fed him amphetamines and made him stand in the White House Rose Garden dressed as a woman while waves of chunky Japanese sex offenders shouting “Banzai!!!” suddenly charged out of the foliage into his legs, trying to knock him over after being driven out of hiding by Mairlyn Smith and Dr. Tim Tiutan farting on them. Initially, he would topple down to his shattered knees whilst weeping uncontrollably every time under the sheer force of the public pummeling, but eventually he would learn to stand up and take it like an adult, all while being rammed hard and senseless from all angles by strangers.
A bit like Cassie Ventura did with P. Diddy. Allegedly.