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The Week’s Most Quisling, Sizzling, and April Drizzling Headlines

BEAN BED
Sometimes the German isn’t the monster. ICE detained a German tourist for sixteen days when he tried to cross into the U.S. from Mexico…only to determine that he was innocent of any wrongdoing other than speaking a really effed-up language. Lucas Sielaff (whose surname ironically contains the thing Germans rarely do) was put on a plane back to Germany with a gift basket consisting of bratwurst and a can of Zyklon Bee Tuna.

Meanwhile in Kansas a child had an experience with a real immigrant monster.

A babysitter was minding the kid while the parents were doing whatever one does on a night out in Kansas…probably being swept away by a tornado and landing in a fantastical town populated by midgets, witches, and drug-addled gay icons.

As the babysitter was attempting to put her charge to bed, the little girl kept screaming in terror, claiming that there was “a monster under her bed.”

Again and again the babysitter would assure the girl, “There’s no such thing as monsters.” And again and again the girl would scream and interrupt the babysitter’s night of raiding the fridge and making out with her boyfriend (no sex, though. In the Dust Bowl everything’s dry, including the babysitters). Finally, in frustration, the babysitter turned on the lights and sternly declared, “There are no monsters under your bed.”

To prove it, the babysitter looked under the bed…and found a monster.

Or rather, monstruo.

Martin Villalobos, a random 27-year-old bean, was hiding there. Upon being discovered, he bolted from his hiding spot and jumped out a window. He was arrested and detained for deportation.

Poltergeist, meet polter-ICE.

So babysitters beware: Your charge might not be lying. Especially when they claim that the monster under their bed is saying, “Fee-fi-fo-fum! You need drywall? I will do some.”

SALVADOR DOLLIES
From a bean to a “never should’ve been.”

A Maryland man who was a legal resident of the U.S. was mistakenly deported along with a bunch of illegals to one of El Salvador’s notorious “roaches go in but they don’t come out” prisons.

ICE has acknowledged the “administrative error,” also admitting that there’s no way they can get the man back…if he’s even still alive.

But in a way, was it really ICE’s fault? The wrongly deported dude’s name is Kilmar Armado Abrego, which literally means “Kilmar Armed Coat.” That’s like a black guy named DeMurderman Packing Heat Trenchcoat. Of course a guy like that’s gonna be suspect.

Meanwhile, two ladybeans are complaining that they were supposed to be deported to Venezuela, but instead ICE took them to El Salvador…which refused to accept them because Salvadorans know what happens to women in their prisons, and (much like the women) it ain’t pretty.

So the ladies were flown back to the U.S., none the worse for wear and with killer frequent flyer miles.

The women in question are Heymar Moyetones (the Moyetones were a less successful musical contemporary of the Deftones) and Scarleth Rodriguez. Addressing reporters following their return to the U.S., Scarleth stated: “Thuffering thuccotash, I’m thtunned and thtartled that Thalvador refuthed to accthept uth, but I’m thuper thtoked to be back in the Thtates.”

For its part, ICE explained that it’s deporting illegals not in alphabetical order or even in order of the severity of their crimes, but rather, “We’re starting with the ones with the stupidest names,” an ICE spokesman told the AP. “Our foundational black Americans want us to get rid of those Hispanics first, so that there’s no competition.”

That spokesman’s name was LaDookius Poopum.

EASTER PAR-EID
First they came for the pigs…now the rabbits.

Initially, defenders of the Islamization of Britain claimed, “You’ll only lose your pigs,” as immigrant Muslims demanded the removal of pork products and pig cartoon characters.

The rabbits thought they were safe.

Silly rabbits, Trix are for Quds.

“Political hat stunts rarely work. FDR received negative press for attending a 1935 Senators game sporting a hat that said ‘My other wife’s a supermodel.’”

A headmistress at a school in Hampshire, England, has decided to cancel all Easter festivities this year, including the annual bonnet parade and the visit from the Easter Bunny.

Why?

Diversity!

This is the statement released by Norwood Primary School head teacher Stephanie Mander:

Dear Parents and Carers: As we appoach [sic] the spring season, we have decided not to hold the Easter Bonnet Parade or the Easter Service this year. This decision has been made in the spirit of inclusivity. By not holding specific religious celebrations, we aim to create a more inclusive atmosphere. We believe that this decision aligns with our values of inclusivity. We are exploring alternative ways to celebrate the season in future years, that will be inclusive of all children. One of the ways we will be celebrating inclusivity is by taking part in Refugee Week which occurs in June.

She was planning to say “inclusive” thirty more times, but her printer ran out of ink.

Irving Berlin’s “Easter Parade” song…

In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it,
You’ll be the grandest lady in the Easter parade.

…is now:

In your Eid-er bonnet, glory to Allah, peace be upon it,
You’ll be the neatest niqab in the jihad parade.

That said, the town still plans an Easter egg hunt. Bombs will be planted in the homes of local Jews. It’s the only Easter egg hunt where the winner is the loser.

HARRY AND THE OFFENDERSONS
Prince Harry is the Robert De Niro of Bill Mahers.

De Niro and Maher are legendary for their preference for black women. And for their utter stupidity in thinking that you can be involved with black women without being sucked into a mire of drama, like quicksand but instead of a colloid of silt it’s weaves and shrillness.

Maher learned this lesson well. Twenty years ago he bragged, “People say I’m into black women. Robert De Niro is into black women. I’m just into women who are real, and they happen to be black.” Then one of his black girlfriends accused him of “fraud, battery, and assault,” another accused him of “racism” for using “the N-word,” and a third tricked the poor bastard into creating a TV pilot for her, only to ditch him once he did.

If this is “women who are real,” no wonder Asians favor AI.

So now we have poncie Prince Harry, who thought he could marry a black girl (and not just any black girl but an actress, the worst kind of girl regardless of race) and avoid drama.

Bitch got her man kicked out of Buckingham Palace quicker than Laqueda got booted from McDonald’s.

And now Prince Harried is in trouble with another black chick.

Sophie Chandauka, an African so deep-black that when she stares at you she becomes Nietzsche’s abyss, accused the disgraced royal of “abuse of power, bullying, harassment, misogyny and misogynoir,” with the complaint apparently stemming in part from a near catfight at a red carpet event that broke out when Meghan “Yoko Oh-no” Markle thought Chandauka was standing too close to her man.

“Two black girls wrestling on a red carpet” sounds like the ultimate lesbian porno flick.

Harry met Chandauka via his African AIDS charity, which is a great place to meet girls, because considering that the average African believes you can cure AIDS by raping a baby, it’s not that hard to trick them into sexual favors in the name of immunity from monkey pox.

Sadly, nothing makes anyone immune to black girl wrath.

MAD HATTERS
Everything a politician does is, to one degree or another, a stunt. Stunts are as much a part of politics as bribes, mistresses, and Lauren Boebert hand jobs. What matters is, how well does the stunt work?

Last week saw a political stunt gone well, and one gone disastrously wrong.

The latter first: Maybe it’s time to ban wacky hats.

Elon Musk appeared in Wisconsin sporting one of the state’s beloved “cheesehead” hats and doling out million-dollar checks to sway the state’s pivotal Supreme Court election. Apparently, the sight of the world’s wealthiest man in a cheese hat was supposed to be endearing.

According to the results of the election, in which Musk’s candidate was flattened like a slice of Kraft American, it was not.

The cheesehead stunt was reminiscent of that time in 2021 when Ben Shapiro moved the Daily Wire to Nashville and appeared at an event in Grand Ole Opry ten-gallon-hat attire, looking less like Kinky Friedman and more like “Anne Frank’s claustrophobic brother tries and fails to find a better way to hide.”

Shapiro soon fled Nashville for Florida after realizing that there’s not a single store that sells designer yarmulkes.

Political hat stunts rarely work. FDR received negative press for attending a 1935 Senators game sporting a hat that said “My other wife’s a supermodel.” Ulysses Grant’s beer-guzzling helmet was seen as beneath the dignity of the office.

JFK was the first president to not wear a top hat at his inauguration. Ironically, three years later he really came to regret not having his head covered.

But not all stunts go bad. Last week’s successful one involved New Jersey senator Cory Booker giving the longest continuous Senate floor speech in U.S. history, breaking the record of Strom Thurmond’s daylong filibuster against the Civil Rights Act in 1957, and Sen. Hillary Clinton’s 2003 filibuster against large-assed women who give head to married hillbillies.

The Booker stunt was clever because Republicans, bound as they are to the “Democrats are the real racists” talking point, had no choice but to cheer the busting of Thurmond’s record.

Good one, Cory. It took a bald brutha to show that you can be clever without a hat.