The Death of Caesar by Vincenzo Camuccini
Okay, the colonials may have started it, but the Brits already viewed Americans as unruly, ungrateful, and in need of a caning. Even a moderate soul such as Samuel Johnson of dictionary fame denounced them as a “race of convicts, who ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.”
Wow, Brits are known for hypocrisy, understatement, even insincerity, but this was out of character. What really happened was as follows: 2.5 million Americans were doubling in numbers every 25 years. Two-thirds of colonials owned land and were literate. Back in England one-fifth owned land and were far less literate than the colonists. According to Rick Atkinson, a typical American paid no more than sixpence a year in Crown taxes, compared with the average Englishman’s 25 shillings. The Brits were angry, starting with George III. You all know the rest, or should. The Brits pretend to have gotten over it, but have they?
Brit journalists hide their historical ignorance—as well as their dandruff—by using Google and Wikipedia in dark rooms throughout their waking hours. The latest trend is comparing Roman emperors to American presidents, probably because the former have been discredited by Hollywood movies, a great source of knowledge for Brit hacks.
“The first emperor of Rome, Augustus, is a worthy mirror to our George Washington.”
Mary Beard, however, is not a journalist but a historian of dubious note, one who regularly appears on television, but one I cannot watch even for a minute. The problem is I find her so physically unattractive, I cannot look. I know, I know, it is not her fault but mine, but such are the joys of an inclination for pretty women. I simply cannot look at her. On her latest podcast (whatever that is), Mary Beard says Elagabalus, the third-century ruler of Rome, most resembles The Donald. Joking or not, it is an obvious publicity stunt that smacks of desperation. It simply makes no sense. Elagabalus was born into a family of Syrian origins, whereas Trump is as Aryan as they come. Elagabalus became emperor at age 14, perhaps married a male charioteer, and was obsessed with large male organs. Trump is obsessive, but not for those mentioned above. Comparing the two only shows desperation on the part of the historian. A drug-addicted, mentally deficient rapper is more likely to compare Puff Daddy to Julius Caesar than Trump to Elagabalus. Enough said.
Mind you, there are so many others one could pick while playing the Roman emperor/American president game. Caligula made his horse a consul, but in reality he only threatened to do so. Trump actually brought his horrible son-in-law into the White House and continues to seek his advice on Middle East affairs, but he would be well advised to seek the wisdom of a horse instead. I can’t think of which president Nero resembled most, but Nero never fiddled while Rome burned, instead fancying himself an actor and singer. Hence our beloved Ronald Reagan would fit the bill, but I can hear Bill Buckley and others turning over and making lots of noise while doing it.
I don’t expect any Brit historian to compare Ronald Reagan to Augustus, but they had a lot in common as far as accomplishments are concerned. Mark Antony was as tragic a hero as I can think of, primarily because of his obsession with female noses. Cleopatra had a long but beautiful nose, so the Romans couldn’t get enough. He left Actium for a last assignation with Cleo, or so I like to think. The closest to him as American presidents go would be—may the Roman gods forgive me for this—George W. Bush. He also lost the war down south, but instead called it mission accomplished and a victory. Neither Mark nor W. should have engaged the enemy, but both were certain of victory before reality set in. Mark Antony, as noble as they come, took the patrician way out. George W., as stupid as it is possible to be while also having been elected president, turned to painting flowers instead.
The first emperor of Rome, Augustus, is a worthy mirror to our George Washington. Augustus was the architect of the Pax Romana, while our George was the architect of a nation and an idea that clearly annoys perfidious Albion. Back in AD 198 Caracalla bestowed Roman citizenship upon every free man he encountered, very much like Biden letting in 12 million or so in these United States. The difference being that Caracalla loved baths and bathing, whereas Biden never knew when he was taking a bath or being given one.
My hero and favorite fighting general in the War of Independence was Benedict Arnold. He was badly treated throughout by his fellow Americans, so he switched. The Brits treated him almost as bad. I cannot for the life of me think of an equivalent to Benedict in modern times. Perhaps George Patton. Eisenhower was always on his case, and the egregiously pompous and reluctant-to-fight Brit Montgomery too. I suppose Benedict and George could be twinned. All I know is my father named a tanker after George Patton back in the early ’50s, and I got to shake his son’s hand in Vietnam. I never met Benedict Arnold, and old Dad never named a ship after him.