Claudia Schiffer

Source: Bigstock

Forget the War of Jenkins’ Ear; we once nearly had a Conflict of Claudia’s Tits. A state of jihad was narrowly averted between infidel France and the entire Islamic ummah in 1994 when the notably Nordic-looking blond German supermodel Claudia Schiffer was sent out onto a Paris catwalk wearing a Chanel dress whose décolletage bore what its designers thought were some lines from an old Indian love poem, but which turned out to be verses from the Koran.

The affair of “The Satanic Breasts,” as it was called, threatened to turn nasty when representatives of the Religion of Peace worldwide called it “an insult to our religion” and began sharpening their scimitars ominously. Disaster was only averted when Chanel’s then chief executive sought an audience with the mufti of the Grand Mosque of Paris (why does it even have one?) to perform an act of ritual dhimmitude obeisance and promise to burn the sacrilegious garments into flame-purified cinders.

Unclean Soles
At least the Islamic script was actually there in this instance, however. As squiggly Arabic writing looks uncannily like the path of a coked-up cuttlefish across a piece of parchment, it is easy indeed for paranoid believers to view random lines, scribbles, and curlicues as manifestations of the Holy Word, even when they are no such thing.

In 2019, Muslims again threatened to unleash acts of immense peace against another Crusader clothing manufacturer, this time Nike, after the firm supposedly indented the name of Allah into the sole of their Air Max 270 sneakers for no good reason whatsoever.

“White liberals today might fantasize about Muslim Vikings, but real Muslims of the day saw the Norsemen as disgusting infidel scum.”

This was pure blasphemy, complained one angry Akbar, as, being on the bottom of a shoe, the Name of the One True God “will surely be trampled, kicked, and become soiled with mud or even filth,” like dog shit or camel dung.

Even though Nike obviously had not written “Allah” on the bottom of their sneakers just for the fun of seeing which of their board members would get stabbed first—the text in fact said “AIRMAX” in an unusual, joined-up, mixed-case font and was only interpretable as reading “Allah” by turning it upside down and back to front—still the company apologized and donated $50,000 to an “Islamic elementary school” (i.e., a madrassa?) by way of sincerest penance.

I thought Nike was meant to be the ancient Greek goddess of victory, not abject surrender.

Mentally Challenged Annika
So many inroads has Islam now made into the modern-day West, it is no longer just the Muslims who observe the nonexistent name of a nonexistent God everywhere they look. So eager are they to see their own race be Great Replaced by those far less offensively Aryan, Celtic, or Scandinavian than they are, that many white liberals are now doing the precise same thing.

In 2017, Swedish archaeologist Dr. Annika Larsson, of Uppsala University, was reexamining the fragmentary remains of ancient Viking burial costumes discovered in the mid-1800s and 1900s when she realized some of the scraps of cloth originated from distant Silk Road stop-offs like Central Asia, Persia, and China.

These places did sit on genuine ancient Viking trade routes, but Larsson chose to interpret this all in anachronistic contemporary leftist terms, as “evidence” the Vikings were, like so many postwar social democrat Swedes, good little multiculturalists. Having sailed to the Middle East, maybe…just maybe…the Vikings might even have been blessed MUSLIMS like Annika probably wished she had been lucky enough to have been born too?

Staring again at the cloths’ “tiny geometric designs” until she went not cross-eyed but crescent-eyed, Annika began to realize she may have been looking at examples of Arabic Kufic script. The only problem was, they didn’t seem to say anything of any religious import.

So, Annika got her forensic gear out and “enlarged the letters and examined them from all angles, including from behind,” before she “suddenly saw that the word ‘Allah’ had been written in mirrored lettering”—exactly the same process as was later to allow simulacra-spotting Islamists to espy the word “Allah” in the word “AIRMAX” on the bottom of a pair of Nike sneakers in 2019. Maybe Claudia Schiffer was not the first blond Nordic Aryan to waltz around Europe with Islamic scripture covering over her indecently heaving breasts, then?

Although admitting the Vikings had probably just used the letters in a decorative sense, as attractive patterned designs, possibly without knowing what they even meant, Larsson did guess rather hopefully that “The possibility some of those in the graves were Muslim cannot be completely ruled out.”

Except it could be ruled out, as subsequent analysis of the fabrics by University of Texas professor Stephennie Mulder—so skeptical she should have been called Scully—demonstrably showed that the style of Arabic script they purportedly bore was not even invented until 500 years after the Viking Age had ended. Furthermore, it did not even say “Allah,” but “Illah.” (Then again, Mulder herself can’t spell the name “Stephanie” properly…)

Annika Larsson had, like many a modern-day liberal, just seen precisely what she wanted to have seen lurking in white Europe’s ancient past—spurious but cheering evidence Europe had not always been terribly white or European at all. It’s a wonder she didn’t turn the whole misspelling issue around to argue that the weaver must have been dyslexic, thereby demonstrating that, as well as being Muslim, the Vikings were all commendably neurodiverse to boot.

Erik the Black
Although now completely debunked by Mulder’s findings, this exploded myth is nonetheless now due to be taught in British schools, at least if an “educational charity” called The Brilliant Club (BC—but it’s so woke those initials should surely be BCE) gets its way.

The BC sends PhD students into “disadvantaged” U.K. schools in order to tutor “underprivileged” students in such a way as to make it more likely they can gain places on university courses.

When they talk of helping “disadvantaged” and “underprivileged” students, you don’t need access to sophisticated techniques of mirror-writing analysis to decipher this as being newspeak code for “inner-city blacks and Muslims,” though. As such, BC’s chosen method of widening the appeal of future scholarship for their target audience is that of “decolonizing the curriculum”—an inverted piece of mirror writing itself, which actually means “colonizing it in the name of the newcomers.”

As part of this noble process, BC recommends fibbing to “British” schoolchildren who might otherwise not want to study history at university that all of Europe’s past was secretly incredibly black and Muslim, particularly that of the Vikings. To make lessons more “relatable,” kids are henceforth to be informed by BC classroom commissars that “Vikings were not all white,” with the idea they were a “homogenous community of blond Scandinavians” being a flat-out “Eurocentric” lie invented by Nazis, racists, and Trump voters.

Well, only up to a point. Analysis of Viking DNA, skeletons, and other grave remains does show they didn’t all have blond hair, and, as they sailed across the seas and rivers of the Mediterranean, Scandinavia, Near Asia, the British Isles, the Russian world, and elsewhere in their longboats, picking up new local slave girls to rape, their gene pool is indeed somewhat “diverse”—but not to the extent of including those particular non-blond demographics who today make up the majority of schoolkids in colonized English cities like Londonistan, Manchester, and Birmingham.

Addis ABBA-ba
So, what’s the evidence for BC’s whole line (the “n” in that final word there is silent)? Oh, you know, incredibly trustworthy and reliable things like all those Viking garments Dr. Annika Larsson found back in 2017 that supposedly said the complete nonword “Illah” on them 500 years before the written language it was meant to be written in even existed. But who cares about trifling matters like mere historical, as opposed to far more worthy ideological, accuracy in an age in which British schoolkids are now also to be taught niggaz built Stonehenge?

There’s a much wider social agenda of falsely presenting Vikings as being non-white going on right now, too. Consider TV shows like Netflix’s drama Vikings: Valhalla, which misleadingly featured a jet-black Afro-Scandinavian Viking Queen named Jarl Estrid Haakon, esteemed proto-feminist ruler of the “diverse city” of Kattegat, a place where she expertly oversaw the “tense intermingling of religions and vibrant intercultural exchanges,” according to PR material. Judging by that description, I’m assuming Kattegat was the Viking Era name for Malmö.

Haakon was admitted to be a fictional figure by the show’s creators, but one based upon the actual wider “reality” of African Vikings nonetheless, or so they said. Yet, in actual actual reality, the Vikings no more reached sub-Saharan Africa than the Zimbabweans reached Norway (albeit they’ve certainly reached there today). DNA analysis shows no evidence of black African DNA amongst the Vikings whatsoever, and those guys would fuck anything, even Ghanaians.

Yes, some Vikings are described as being “black” in certain old texts, but so are some clouds and mountains. “Black” could refer to people’s hair or habitual clothing color, or just mean they were “dark” by Swedish standards, like a Spaniard. Britain was once inhabited by a man named Edward the Black Prince, but he wasn’t black like the black Prince who later sang “Purple Rain” was.

Loki Disputes
Very occasionally, meanwhile, a Muslim traveler did visit Viking-Land—and was appalled by what he saw. In 921, Arabian nobleman Ahmad ibn Fadlan sailed up the Volga on a diplomatic mission from Baghdad, describing not a welcoming paradise of fellow Mohammedans, but a primitive wasteland of tattooed pagan barbarians, “tall as date-palms, blond and ruddy,” who worshipped shaytan with acts of human sacrifice, copulated and defecated in public, wandered around smeared in their own cum, and shared bowls of communal dirty bathwater, even after the entire village had just spat and blown their collective snot into it.

As one 21st-century Muslim commentator says of this ill-starred non-meeting of minds: “It is no surprise, therefore, that the [modern] pornography industry arose from the descendants of the Vikings.” White liberals today might fantasize about Muslim Vikings, but real Muslims of the day saw the Norsemen as disgusting infidel scum—as do some of their equally white-hating Muslim descendants today, evidently.

But the professional child-indoctrinators of the Less-Than-Brilliant Club do not agree. In their online “Decolonizing the Humanities Curriculum Toolkit,” they advise that future non-British “British” schoolchildren be mistaught that: “The Vikings were a very diverse group of people, defined by what they did (travelling by sea and raiding and settling in new countries) rather than by ethnicity.”

They should primarily be “defined by what they did” rather than by who they were, eh? And what are the Vikings primarily known for doing? Landing on other countries’ beaches without permission by the boatload, then running around with sharpened blades, raping and pillaging everyone.

I take it all back, carry on with your Brilliant educational work, The Brilliant Club; clearly the Vikings were all blacks and Muslims after all.