It’s never a quiet news week when I’m away, but I did not expect to return to find the American heartland besieged by that long-feared menace, Colorado rabbits with tentacles.

As Dave Barry used to say, I am not making this up. From The Coloradan:

Cottontail rabbits with horn-like growths on their heads have appeared in Fort Collins in recent weeks, causing concern of the health risk to the rabbits and humans.

Colorado Parks and Wildlife spokesperson Kara Van Hoose said she was notified by the public late last week of rabbits with effects of the rabbit papillomas, a skin virus that produces horn-like growths or black nodules mostly around the head.

Van Hoose said despite the appearance, the growths have no significant effects on wild rabbits unless they impact the rabbit’s eyes or mouths and interfere with seeing and eating or drinking.

The virus is specific to rabbits and poses no risk to human or pet health, according to a Colorado Parks and Wildlife brochure.

Oh, sure. That’s just what they would say if they wanted to prevent a panic, and crowds of terrified Americans fleeing the state, pursued by hideous, terrifying hordes of mutant rabbits.

State wildlife officials also said as with any wild animals, people and pets should not approach, touch, catch or feed infected rabbits. Because, obviously, these horned, tentacled mutant rabbits will eat you.

Former president Jimmy Carter tried to warn us. Nor are these strange creatures mere jackelopes. While there’s no reports of these rabbits sucking blood — yet — as a precaution the United States should be, at minimum, at a Defcon Two Bunnicula alert.

This sounds like a job for a mutant ninja turtle; we know that a couple years ago the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency was interested in “identifying university-owned or commercially managed underground urban tunnels and facilities able to host research and experimentation.” You can’t fool us, DARPA. We know a teenage mutant ninja turtle training ground when we hear one described.

Alternatively, Bill de Blasio… all is forgiven, your country needs you.

I thought under President Trump the only rabbits that were dangerous to be around were going to be Playboy bunnies.