Why stop with Hunter?

So, Joe Biden pardons Hunter. (And on the Sunday after a holiday, no less. Brutal timing for the reporters.) Who could have seen it coming? I thought Joe Biden was a man of his word! Perhaps the warmth of the Thanksgiving season — and a few extra slices of pumpkin pie –moved the president to instantiate such familial forgiveness.

While some may be criticizing Ol’ Joe for going back on his word and using the president’s office in a clear act of nepotism, I applaud him for his tender act of Christian mercy. My only reproach: Why stop there? Biden’s press secretary did say, “You can expect more announcements to come.” (One can only hope, Karine!) In the spirit of the season — and to make things easier for our aged president — I thought I would compile a list of excellent additional candidates for Biden to pardon:

10. The 2,500 Attendees of the Thanksgiving Turkey Pardoning

For those who pay attention to political happenings with laser focus, like me, you would know that Joe Biden foreshadowed for us all his plan to pardon Hunter. On November 25, the president held the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardoning outside the White House. Two Minnesota birds, Peach and Blossom, were spared. While emceeing the event, Biden said: “They tell me there’s 2,500 people here today — looking for a pardon.” (The president then followed up his own joke with a bout of evil laughter — undoubtedly thinking of the real pardon he was soon to make.) Why not follow through on the generous offer? And let all the attendees “keep calm and gobble on”?

9. The Harris Campaign’s Chief Financial Officer

We’ve all heard that Kamala egregiously mismanaged her campaign funds: $2.5 million to Oprah here, six figures for a “Call Her Daddy” appearance over there — not to mention a concert series with Bruce Springsteen. Reportedly, the Harris campaign went $20 million in debt — with nothing to show for it. While the campaign’s CFO, Patrick Stauffer, asserted that the campaign paid all of its bills, and that the fundraising emails they are still sending are just to raise money for the DNC, I have my doubts. As my esteemed colleague Jim Geraghty pointed out — someone is lying. To cover the donkey of whoever is, in fact, lying about where Kamala’s $1.5 billion went, Biden should pardon Stauffer and all the folks in charge of her campaign finances. (Boy oh boy, it’s another great day not to be a Democratic donor.)

8. Major and Commander 

Joe and Dr. Jill Biden’s two German shepherds have gained quite the reputation as faithful attack dogs during their tenure as First Pups. Major was sent back to the Biden family’s Delaware home in 2021 after a “biting incident” at the White House. Commander, who came to the presidential mansion as a puppy, has bitten Secret Service staff members in at least 24 separate incidents during Biden’s term. In 2022, Commander sent a Secret Service officer to the hospital for injuries to the arms and thighs. What is it that PETA advocates say about aggressive dogs? Don’t blame the dogs, blame their owners? President Biden should ensure that Major and Commander are not unjustly punished for their owners’ negligence and should grant them both a presidential pardon.

7. Tim Walz

As governor of Minnesota, the failed VP candidate oversaw the largest pandemic fraud in the country. Over $250 million was funneled from the Minnesota Department of Education to illegitimate nonprofits. Rather than feeding hungry children, this cash went to luxury goods, cars, and real estate. Governor Walz was verbally briefed about the potential fraud and did nothing to prevent it. Walz also instituted inverse Jim Crow laws during Covid-19. Those who lacked “BIPOC” status — i.e., non-Hispanic whites — were de-prioritized for Covid vaccines based on their race and ethnicity. If Biden has any affection for a party acolyte in need of aid, he should pardon Tim Walz.

6. Joe Scarborough

President Biden should pardon Joe Scarborough, co-host of Morning Joe (alongside his third wife Mika Brzezinski), for all crimes that he may or may not have committed since July 2001. While several news outlets have repeatedly affirmed that the untimely death of Scarborough’s former congressional staffer Lori Klausutis was an accident, President-elect Donald Trump isn’t so sure. In 2020, Trump posted on X: “When will they open a Cold Case on the Psycho Joe Scarborough matter in Florida. Did he get away with murder? Some people think so. Why did he leave Congress so quietly and quickly? Isn’t it obvious?” As President Biden is, famously, a die-hard fan of Morning Joe, he should come to the aid of his favorite talking head in this hour of need.

5. Ryan Wesley Routh

Trump’s (second) would-be assassin certainly won’t get a fair trial under the incoming administration. Maybe Routh was just doing maintenance on the shrubbery at Trump’s Palm Beach golf course when the Secret Service spotted him in the brush. How do we know he didn’t just get lost and curl up with his SKS semiautomatic rifle to take a nap in the bushes? I know Routh wrote, “Dear world, This was an assassination attempt on Donald Trump but I am so sorry I failed you” in a handwritten letter to a friend, but that could easily have been forged. (And, regardless, Biden’s base would have been happier had Routh succeeded in his alleged mission.) The president can show his appreciation for his most committed voters by pardoning Routh.

4. The Clintons

We all know Hill’ and Bill have been up to some shady business in their time. From Hillary’s emails to Bill’s many amours, I’m sure that MAGA lawfare warriors could find some muck if they dug just a few inches below the surface. In one last move of support for last century’s Democratic Party, Biden should affirm his love for the political couple Americans most love to hate.

3. Diddy

Hear me out — you know that Sean “Diddy” Combs would throw the party of the century if he got pardoned. (And Hunter Biden could bring the cocaine!) Reporting on the event would be like MTV in the ’90s. If Diddy was pardoned, all the juicy details from his insane gatherings could be let loose. It would be like an informant deal — let Diddy go, and we the American people could find out who all else in Hollywood was involved. And besides, by pardoning Mr. Combs, Biden could prove to everyone that he is cool and hip and not racist, or something.

2. Derek Chauvin

If Biden pardoned the cop sentenced for the death of George Floyd, it would be a deliciously rogue shake-up of American politics: MSNBC talking heads would explode, AOC would weep, and the total left-wing meltdown after Trump’s election would be complete. And hey, I would have content to write on for days and days here at National Review. But seriously, can’t you imagine Biden, aviators on, smiling impishly into the camera and delivering this news? (Maybe then the Left would grant that his mental capacities have declined . . .)

1. Himself

Just in case the Trump team tries to go after him for the numerous illegal moves he attempted as president, Biden should protect himself with a preemptive pardon. Time to live out your days nibbling on babies in that Delaware rocking chair, Joe!