Hands off our oxidized farm accoutrements.
First they came for the local drive-in, and I said nothing . . .
Yuppies, the proto-hipsters, have been a bane to anything with character or charm since at least the ’80s. Starbucks, Best Buy, and Target have replaced their coffee, electronics, and general merchandise lessors in an ongoing colonization effort to replace dens of interest with the business beige of stark overhead lighting, corpo-jargon, and rewards programs. I have held my tongue as the free marketer within me won out over the reactionary, the argument that companies can do what they like to secure market share, catering to the masses’ desires for lower prices in an inoffensive superstore. As the Lorax spoke for the trees, I speak for the Weazel Ball: The pending yuppification of Cracker Barrel is one highway exit too far.
For those unfamiliar with the Cracker Barrel chain, first of all, turn in your American citizenship. Second, it’s an interstate staple for any family passing through the middle of the country. Known for its patio rocking chairs, novelty gift shop, and country tchotchkes and implements hanging from the walls and rafters, what Cracker Barrel offers is a guaranteed filling meal in a place that feels like home. The darker interior and studied shabbiness lend themselves to easing the strain of longer journeys, and its position as the after-church destination for Baptists and Charismatics makes for a lively Sunday lunch.
But the corporate brunch yuppies can’t stand leaving things well enough alone, and a recent Wall Street Journal piece details corporate’s new vision for Cracker Barrel — hint: it’s Fixer Upper chic, ten years out of date with all the color vacuumed out and replaced with trite mockeries of what was.
Negative reactions to the face-lifts are a gift, said Cracker Barrel CEO Julie Felss Masino. “It’s because people have an emotional connection with the brand,” she told The Wall Street Journal Global Food Forum this month. The chain is working to honor that fandom even as it makes changes, Felss Masino said, adding that its updates are based on discussions with diners and workers.
“People’s immediate reaction to things is like, ‘Oh this isn’t the way it was,’” but they tend to come around, she said.
Amazingly, a CEO gets paid for buying up the bargain aisle at HomeGoods and tossing it through the door at a gutted institution. Masino’s last gig was as the president of Taco Bell, and I can’t help but wonder what Cracker Barrel leadership was thinking bringing in the lead from quite possibly the most sanitized, uninspired fast food chain whose primary customer is a pothead or an aspiring pothead.
I understand Cracker Barrel had to do something. The last time I was there it was obvious that the quality had diminished in an effort to tamp down costs. The refresh to evoke a brunchy feel is undoubtedly intended to distract from a price hike to most menu items and to chase out the old guard who take up tabletops, sipping coffee, and complaining about the Democrat conspiracy to make Facebook subscription-based. But pivoting so completely to what can only be described as white-girl gauche is quite the stratagem. And the swapping of rocking chairs for Adirondacks can leave no doubt as to the thoroughness of the desecration at the temple of gravy-drowned goodness.
Wagon wheel rust, slowly sprinkling a man’s breakfast, is what made this country great, and it makes my heart achy breaky to see a Yum! Foods corporate highwayman hobble a corporate culture holdout the way every other roadside vendor has been.
The Yuppies won the culture war while the left and right were busy arguing over paper straws.