Did Joe Biden say ‘supporters’ or ‘supporter’s’? Only a true expert like me could know.

At a young age, I realized God had given me a rare and valuable gift: the ability to detect secret apostrophes. I recall the precise moment that others recognized my talent. In my second-grade English class, I raised my small hand and the teacher called on me. “Miss Clark,” I said sheepishly. “You’ve missed the hidden apostrophe.” She stared at me incredulously, believing that no child could be correct about something so advanced. Then the light flickered in her eyes and she professed, “Abigail, you’re right.” From then on, I taught the class, yet the students lacked the aptitude to detect those invisible, floating commas. My ability is innate, not learned. 

My apostrophe radar only improved with age, yet others doubted my skill. Whenever I spoke to reveal instances of secret apostrophes, people insisted defensively that I was wrong. I knew, in our society that so heavily values credentials, I needed a reputable institution to validate my aptitude. During my interview for the Oxford Linguistics program, I explained my passion for hidden punctuation. There wasn’t a professor who specialized in this area, so the admissions officers were hesitant to accept me. They asked, “Are you prepared to study this difficult topic without an instructor to guide you?” I declared without hesitation, “Yes.” I continued, with a lowered gaze and in a delicate whisper, “The republic depends on it.” 

My academic papers on those small, diagonal curves have been largely ignored — until now. Suddenly, my opinion and expertise are in high demand. Joe Biden — who is apparently still the president — said yesterday on a video call, “The only garbage I see floating out there is his supporters.” Or was it “supporter’s”? The White House Official Transcriber and esteemed journalists, desperate to detect a secret apostrophe, immediately called me to validate the glint of that subtle punctuation, something that might suggest Biden was talking about one specific Trump supporter who possessed something. “Give me time,” I told them all. I burned sage in my room, hoping an apostrophe might appear in the smoke. My hands rested on an Ouija board, waiting to see if the Punctuation Phantoms would guide my fingertips to that little dash that leans ever so slightly toward the right. I summoned everyone for a Zoom meeting, and their anxious faces waited for my verdict. “No,” I sighed, “there is no hidden apostrophe here.” The White House Official Transcriber gave me a vengeful stare, and the Politico reporter cried hysterically.

But it didn’t matter what I said. They were not looking for the truth. They were looking only for an affirming quote that could be attributed to an “expert.” The White House snuck an apostrophe into the official transcript, thereby implying that Biden had not called half of the country garbage. Politico cited the White House transcript, including the pseudo apostrophe. NPR, too, cited that transcript.

I am committed to Apostrophe Justice. I cannot, in good conscience, remain silent’ as hidden apostrophes are “found” by mere laymen.