An imagined transcript of free trade deal negotiations from the Trump White House.
White House Trade Negotiator: Hello, Mr. Ambassador, welcome to the White House. We’re so glad you could make it. We want to start the process of negotiating a free trade deal with your country.
Foreign Ambassador: Thank you so much for having me. We’ve wanted a free trade deal with the U.S. for years. But we were under the very strong impression that you weren’t interested, so we didn’t bother.
WHTN: Why is that?
FA: Well, I mean, you guys haven’t signed a new bilateral free trade agreement since 2007, the one with South Korea, and efforts with other countries since then have been scuttled. If you couldn’t even get one with the United Kingdom, given that you’re both rich countries and share so much history and speak the same language, then we didn’t think there was a chance for us. Or the Trans Pacific Partnership, which made perfect sense given your geopolitical interests in constraining China — which is in our interest as well, by the way — but still didn’t get done.
WHTN: Don’t tell us what our interests are! We know what they are, and they don’t concern you.
FA: I was trying to find common ground in our shared interests—
WHTN: Well, Mr. Trump won’t take kindly to that. This is about America First! The Trump White House wants free trade, and we’re willing to tariff anyone to get there!
FA: I’m glad you brought that up, because I have to admit I have been a little confused about—
WHTN: Are you questioning Mr. Trump’s judgment? Because I’ll tell you right now, he takes great offense to that, and we won’t be able to talk any further if you do.
FA: Oh, no, no, not at all! We want to get along with the U.S. and we understand he is the president. It just seems as though . . . maybe his advisers have been giving some less than ideal counsel.
WHTN: You’re talking to one of those advisers right now.
FA: Not you, of course, not you! We just don’t know what to believe. In my country, we read the news on what the administration is saying on tariffs, and we aren’t sure whether they even want to negotiate. Some people seem to be saying that the purpose of the tariffs is to restructure global trade and raise a bunch of revenue, which would mean the tariffs would have to stay in effect. So why negotiate?
WHTN: That’s what you get for listening to the biased left-wing media. They—
FA: Oh, I know about media bias. They’re very unfair to my government as wel—
WHTN: —hate Mr. Trump and will say anything to lie about him. Are you listening?
FA: Yes.
WHTN: Good, like I was saying, they lie about what we’re doing. We really do want more free trade deals. That’s what this is all about.
FA: That’s good to hear. I want that, too! We actually had a bill working its way through our parliament to eliminate all tariffs on U.S. goods. We don’t have too many to start with, of course, but we wanted to get rid of the last few as a gesture of goodwill. But then we saw what happened to Israel, which beat us to the punch — our lawmakers are so slow, I’m sure you know how that is! The Israelis got rid of their last few tariffs, but the U.S. still put a 17 percent rate on their goods. Please help me understand.
WHTN: Mr. Trump thinks trade deficits are bad, and he’s tired of being ripped off by foreigners, as has happened over the past few decades of globalist free trade.
FA: But he wants more free trade?
WHTN: Yes, Mr. Trump wants more free trade, but it has to be real free trade, not the fake globalist free trade of the past few decades.
FA: What is “real free trade”?
WHTN: As Mr. Trump sees it, it’s not just about eliminating tariffs, though that’s a good start. It’s about having balanced trade with every country. If only it weren’t for all those non-tariff barriers, the U.S. would have balanced trade worldwide. So you need to get rid of your non-tariff barriers, not just your tariffs.
FA: I understand that, I hate non-tariff barriers, too. My country has a pretty free and open economy, especially with respect to international trade. We actually rank higher than you on your, what’s the name, Heritage Institute?—
WHTN: Heritage Foundation.
FA: Yes, on their economic freedom index, we rank higher than the U.S. on trade openness. Our average tariff rate is actually slightly lower than yours, and—
WHTN: No, it’s not.
FA: Excuse me?
WHTN: It’s not. The president’s tariff chart says your effective tariff rate is . . . let me check here . . . 46 percent, which makes your reciprocal tariff rate from us 23 percent, a bargain really, considering how high your rates are.
FA: So, that’s one of the things I wanted to discuss. Our average tariff rate is actually 1.2 percent, according to World Bank data—
WHTN: We don’t trust the globalists at the World Bank. They have been selling out American workers for decades!
FA: I mean, we’re not huge fans of the World Bank, either — it is based in Washington and yet claims to speak for the world — but this is just simple data collection.
WHTN: And what do you think we did to calculate our tariff rate? We collected our own data!
FA: Yes, well, it isn’t true, and we don’t appreciate being lied about in a press conference that the entire world was watching.
WHTN: Are you accusing Mr. Trump of lying?
FA: No, not accusing, just . . . passing on a message from my prime minister! He was very upset about this notion spreading around the world that we’re an untrustworthy trade partner. You guys certainly understand this, having been attacked by so many ill-informed foreigners who don’t understand your country.
WHTN: We are not ill-informed, Mr. Ambassador, and I suggest you learn to accept that you don’t have the cards, and you will do whatever we want.
FA: We were going to do what you want by eliminating the tariffs, but then Israel showed us that isn’t really what you want.
WHTN: You’re right, that isn’t really what we want. We also want the non-tariff barriers to go away. That means your value-added tax.
FA: I’m sorry, that is simply not going to be on the table. It has been well established as a matter of international law for decades that VATs are not barriers to trade. We actually just had to raise our VAT a few years back, and our economists studied the data and they found it had a negligible effect on our trade with the U.S.
WHTN: That’s a bunch of globalist crap! You’ll do as we say.
FA: I’m sorry, like I said, that just isn’t going to work. Our VAT funds about 20 percent of our government’s budget, and we don’t have a good way to make up that revenue. I can send you the documentation for it if you like, straight from our legal counsel, that shows how our VAT applies equally to U.S. goods as it does to our own goods.
WHTN: It’s a trade barrier, and that’s final.
FA: Okay, I’ll . . . see what I can do [FA pretends to write something in a notebook]. Can we talk about the trade deficit now? We understand you have a sizeable trade deficit with us, but it’s really more a reflection of your people’s savings rate and consumption patterns, not anything that my or your government has done.
WHTN: Mr. Trump thinks otherwise, and you’ll just have to address it. Do whatever you need to do, we don’t care, but the trade deficit has to go away.
FA: We just don’t really have a way to do that.
WHTN: Find one.
FA: I mean, if there was a big recession, I guess it would help, your trade deficit with us declined in 2009.
WHTN: Don’t get cute with me.
FA: Are you going to reduce any of your trade surpluses with other countries? By my count you run a trade surplus with over 100 countries. Is that evidence you’re cheating?
WHTN: Absolutely not! Don’t you ever insult the United States and Mr. Trump like that ever again! The U.S. practices fair trade, and you will too!
FA: Free trade?
WHTN: Real free trade, yes.
FA: I just don’t see why our trade surplus with you is prima facie evidence that we’re cheating, but your trade surplus with the U.K., for example, isn’t evidence that you’re cheating.
WHTN: You will never again use that word, “cheating”! It is very disrespectful to the American people and Mr. Trump!
FA: Don’t you see that you just accused us of cheating though, too? I’m part of my country’s nationalist party, and I’m telling you, this isn’t playing well with our voters, who were already skeptical of the U.S. for other reasons. Now this accusation that our government and our businesses are engaged in dishonesty is really rubbing them the wrong way. It’s making our job selling this trade agreement — that you say you want — a lot harder.
WHTN: That’s a problem for you, not for me. America First!
FA: But it is a problem for you because you’re negotiating with me, and I’m telling you what some of the problems are that will prevent me from getting to yes. Another problem is that it’s very hard for me to go back to my country and say I’ve come to a free trade deal with the U.S. when we just saw Mr. Trump put tariffs on all the countries with which the U.S. already has free trade deals.
WHTN: Those deals were negotiated by globalists, and they sold out American workers. In our America First administration, we need real free trade, like I said before, and that means new deals with everyone.
FA: But, with all due respect, Mr. Trump negotiated the trade deal with Canada and Mexico, and those were among the first countries he went after with his trade war. Why should we believe you?
WHTN: Because we’re the United States of America, and we’re more powerful than you, and we’ll do what we want.
FA: So this isn’t a negotiation, then?
[phone buzzes, FA sees Truth Social notification]
FA: Darnit, Trump just raised the tariffs on our goods by 20 percent.
WHTN: That’s “Mr. Trump,” to you! And — wait, he did what?
[WHTN grabs phone, looks at Truth Social post]
WHTN: Well . . . that’s the art of the deal! Those higher rates will get you to the negotiating table.
FA: Where I’m currently sitting?