The ‘mental load’ of family life will always fall more heavily on the mother. Fathers have a duty to help them bear up under it.
A girlboss mommy-influencer has sent the internet — especially the online right — into an uproar.
In a recent viral video, which has garnered millions of views on TikTok, Paige Connell describes a scene from a few years back when she thought she might (but crucially, did not) divorce her husband.
On a particularly hectic morning — with a baby strapped to her chest — Connell was dismayed to find that her husband had not accomplished his usual morning tasks of emptying the dishwasher and taking out the trash. This work helped her get their four small children ready for the day and off to school before she logged on to her corporate 9-to-5.
Connell says that, in that moment, she felt the weight of the “mental load” of running the home come crashing down on her. (As Connell defines it, “The mental load is the invisible work of planning, organizing, and anticipating the needs of your household.”) Overwhelmed by it all, she thought of filing for divorce. However, Connell’s story has a happy ending — she talked everything through with her husband, they rearranged their daily routines, and their marriage is “stronger than ever.” Not to mention, she is making good side money sharing her story with other moms.
Connell’s story caused some fierce reactions, to say the least.
On his eponymous show, in a segment titled “This Feminist Wife on TikTok is Canceled,” Matt Walsh rips into Connell. He says that she offers “truly awful advice to women” and “is but one tentacle on a giant and hideous squid” of “bad influencers” on young wives and mothers. He continues:
Much has been said about the man-o-sphere. . . . Not nearly enough is said about what we might call the ‘woman-o-sphere’ — the feminist, boss-babe influencers like Paige O’Connell — and the very real harm they are doing to women and those women’s husbands and children by extension.
Walsh is incredulous at Connell’s theory that “women carry a disproportionate allotment of the mental burdens of supporting and caring for a family.” Walsh deems this belief “a total fiction” (I do wonder what Mrs. Walsh would say), “but a fiction that is apparently very appealing to a large number of women.” Walsh calls Connell a “raging narcissist” and espouses theories about how her husband must be a stoic saint for tolerating his wife’s videos. (I would wager that her husband is “in” on it and does not mind the extra stream of income provided by his wife’s newfound popularity.)
For one, Connell never claims that she carries the load of (financially) providing for her family. In her videos and content, the “mental load” to which she refers is the burden of managing the household day to day. It is obviously (and statistically) true that, on average, women carry more weight in this arena. “Women Still Handle Main Household Tasks in U.S.,” “Women are earning more money. But they’re still picking up a heavier load at home,” and “Married Women with Children and Male Partners Do More Housework Than Single Moms” are just a few studies that demonstrate this predictable state of affairs. (An interesting note is that most men think they contribute to more household chores than they actually do.)
In defense of Walsh and other Connell-haters, she is incredibly annoying. (In a separate rant-turned-article, she argues that grandparents shouldn’t hug their grandkids and, instead, should “observe a kid’s autonomy over their body.”) However, Walsh’s spite toward “boss-babes” blinds him from the raw truth of Connell’s main gripe.
While Connell is evidently a liberal, who blames “society” and “gender roles” for her problems, she’s not hysterical. Conservatives have (for decades!) argued her very point, albeit from a different angle — that there is something unique about motherhood, which demands an especial sacrifice from the mother to the family, that cannot be supplied by the father.
Connell, however, views this imbalance as an evil to be routed. Conservatives should see it as a pathway to cultivating mutual dependence in marriage.
Conservatives should recognize the reality Connell describes — that wives and mothers carry a “disproportionate allotment” of the “mental load” of home and family life. We should not laugh at the exasperation most every mother has felt while bearing up under it. (Very few, I think, would argue that husbands and fathers are generally more burdened than wives and mothers with the day-to-day management of the household. While there are always exceptions to the rule, I have not encountered a strong argument otherwise.)
Certainly, as Walsh points out, fathers feel the pressure of providing financially for the family more than their spouses do. The father is, as Walsh says, the “backstop” for the family’s financial stability. However, what Walsh cannot bring himself to admit is that the mother serves as the “backstop” for household function.
The real question is whether it is unjust — or essential — that the mother serve as this “backstop.”
Connell clearly subscribes to the former view, to the “marital equity” mindset of the left, where a healthy marriage means that the husband and the wife oversee separate but equal fiefdoms of household tasks. He takes out the trash, she makes breakfast. He empties the dishwasher, she packs the kids’ lunches. He makes dinner, she puts the kids to bed. Etc.
This tit-for-tat model can ensure that specifics tasks get done each day, but it can also cultivate a pernicious mindset — where, as in Connell’s case, the wife harbors feelings of resentment toward the husband because she feels there are more tallies on her side of the scorecard. Any marriage counselor (or married couple) will say that “keeping score” is a dangerous game.
This model becomes even more dicey when you throw kids into the mix. Every parent knows that there is no “clocking in” and “clocking out” of parenthood. The stress of juggling the tasks of parenting is not granted to working parents alone — stay-at-home moms are just as aware of this reality. While their husbands may have worked an eight-hour-day at the office, stay-at-home-moms may have worked from dawn to dusk at home. Of course, their work is not clearly demarcated by punch cards or time sheets. (Connell calls the work of motherhood “invisible labor.”)
Moms live by lists: drop the kids off, run to Target, nurse the baby, clean the dishes, coordinate car pool times, wash the jersey, pack the diaper bag, plan the road trip, etc. Even before giving birth, mothers carry an inequitable “mental load” — while pregnant, women must think about what they are eating and drinking, what medicine they are taking, how they will work around their morning sickness, etc. When the baby does arrive, this list, of course, expands. Biological necessity demands that the mother literally pour herself into her children. Every young mom knows the demands of a nursing schedule (another thing to keep track of!).
Especially when both parents are working full-time, mothers are bound to feel overwhelmed now and then. In the U.S., many — nay, most! — moms work outside the home. Among married-couple families with children, in which at least one parent is employed, 67 percent of these families have both parents employed. While Walsh blames the “girlboss” who simply “wants to work” for this phenomenon, economic factors are a major cause of this labor shift. Most American families rely on dual incomes to pay the mortgage, keep their fridge full, and provide for their kids.
Ultimately, even if by accident, Connell gives sound advice. If you, the wife and mother, feel overwhelmed and burnt out by your daily labors — confide in your husband! Talk with him! Ask for more help! Marriage is (or at least, ought to be) a union of mutual sacrifice, where both the husband and wife are willing and eager to serve the other. However, Connell’s advocacy for an equitable, 50–50 split of household responsibility between mother and father is a recipe for resentment.
Equality in a marriage is possible (and desirable!). Equity is not.