I t’s officially graduation season, and for many American parents, it’s also the season for thoughts about college. Which hallowed halls of top-tier higher education should their children consider? Truly, it’s a dilemma: There are just far too many non-woke, non-insane colleges to choose from, and at such reasonable pricing, too!
Oh, never mind, I’m just kidding. At this point, many “elite” colleges look increasingly like a blend of a high-budget goat rodeo, a drunken clown show bereft of any actual drunk and/or clownish fun, or an endless loop of reruns from some of the wilder seasons of Jerry Springer’s once-legendary fisticuffs-centric talk show, all for a grand total of around $90,000 a year.
Ah, the late Mr. Springer: As the king of “trash TV” who once called himself the “ringmaster of civilization’s end,” he was far ahead of his time. His show ran from 1991 to 2018, featuring episodes with titles like “I Married a Horse,” “Algebra-Teaching Prostitute,” “I Live in a Box,” “Bisexual Buzzkills,” “Angry Women Attack,” “Zack . . . the 70-Pound Baby,” “Attack of the Tattooed People,” “I’m Happy I Cut Off My Legs,” and “Klanfrontation.” Now that I think about it, if you’ve been following the news, these all add up to a pretty good summary of things that actually happened on the Columbia University campus over the course of the past three weeks!
Again, I kid. Sort of. But seriously: What in the world is going on at our nation’s supposedly prestigious, reportedly high-quality, and certainly expensive schools? Not to pick on Columbia, once widely regarded to be a pretty decent school, but let’s pick on Columbia: For many, it’s now widely considered to be a communist loony bin filled with unhinged professors and a bunch of whiny protesters who can’t even spell “Palestine” properly. Columbia’s total cost of attendance, by the way, is $89,587.
Over at Princeton, meanwhile — total cost of attendance: $86,700 — earnest protesters don’t even seem to understand that being on a hunger strike entails, well, getting hungry. After a valiant wild-eyed launch, the “Princeton Gaza Solidarity Encampment” apparently flew too close to the sun, providing this somber update on the state of their stomachs: “Due to health concerns of the 13 strikers who fasted for 9 days, the first hunger strike wave ended, and the second wave has begun. In the tradition of rotary hunger strikes, seven new strikers are indefinitely fasting for a free Palestine.” Oh.
In case you’re curious about this “tradition of rotary hunger strikes,” as I certainly was, feel free to look it up online! Don’t worry, it won’t take you long, because it does not actually seem to exist.
Anyway, there are still some great colleges out there if you care to look hard enough. But this recent avalanche of university insanity got me thinking: Why would any parent want to shell out close to $400,000 just to turn her kid into a communist who still expects his dorm-room meal plan to be delivered to the campus building that he is pretending to “occupy,” all in the name of a cause he doesn’t even understand?
In case you’re looking to save some money and some sanity, here are some alternate ideas for post-high-school paths for grads that steer way clear of the Ivy League. As a bonus, these ideas will cost you less than $400,000, can be tried out for just a year — and they might even keep your kid’s common sense intact. Here we go!
Idea No. 1: Become a ski bum. Not very creative, I know, but fun.
Idea No. 2: Launch a fake college-counseling business, preying on the insecurities of families that are still somehow worried about getting into kooky old Harvard. Did you read the recent New York magazine profile of the “independent education consultant” who charges $120,000 a pop to pretend to help rich kids get into fancy colleges? It’s ingenious, really. Bravo, good sir: I salute you and your pluck.
Idea No. 3: Start a company that caters to angry women, taking them on rustic forest retreats where they can scream, throw sticks, and howl about their feelings into the empty air. According to a recent report from USA Today, “women are paying big money” for so-called rage rituals, sometimes shelling out up to $4,000 for a single retreat. Do you live near a forest? Boom! This is a no-brainer, although keep in mind that it might get a little scary.
Idea No. 4: Quit your day job as a TV actress, marry a prince, storm out of the UK in dramatic fashion, insist upon being called a royal even though you also loudly pretend to disdain all things royal as oppressive and outdated, launch a bunch of random websites with cheesy royal-looking seals, bounce around Hollywood, complain to Oprah, make a couple of fake podcasts, then launch a weird high-end jam company and maybe even a cooking show for skinny people. (FULL DISCLOSURE: This strategy has not been fully tested and might end up costing more than $400,000. Stay tuned.)
Idea No. 5: Two words, folks: MEME STOCKS.
Idea No. 6: Launch a prestigious youth-sports travel league, but please make sure it has a word like “elite” or “select” in its name. That way, you can get away with charging parents the equivalent of full tuition to Georgetown when spending the next 16 weekends dragging them around the nearest tristate area and beyond.
Idea No. 7: Write a bestselling novel. Some people might think this is hard, but based on recent evidence, all you need to do is throw in some vampires, wizards, a nonbinary character, and a brave female corporate diversity consultant who is regularly unlucky in love. Wind them up into a story with some class conflict loosely based on the plot of Footloose, and voilà! Done, done, and done.
Wow, now that I’ve started, I have so many good ideas! Some might say that America is going downhill, but let’s not forget that it’s still the land of opportunity. And as for all of our young, bright-eyed friends heading off into the wilds of college, godspeed. In the end, things will probably work out okay.