EX ACCORDING TO MAÏA

"Faster, Higher, Stronger – Together": Doesn't the Olympic Games' motto sound an awful lot like the final moments before an orgasm? Yet this year, once again, sex was left out of the 43 sporting disciplines that (according to the event's official charter) represent a balance of "qualities of body, will and mind" – a definition that applies to great athletes but also to great lovers. For if sports can encourage "the harmonious development of humankind" and promote "a peaceful society" (again, according to the charter), these values are also shared by sexuality.

That's why I believe it's high time we incorporated Erotic Games to the Olympic Games. For the official ceremonies, representatives of nations' sexualities would parade in revealing outfits in their flags' colors. We would be able to admire our athletes training, warming up and even mounting the podium. We'd see them sweating, striving for excellence in pleasure, drawing on shooting's precision, decathlon's versatility and judo's spirit of fair play. Above all, spectators from all over the world would be able to gather around to watch the exciting events – of course, after having taken the TV from the living room into the bedroom.

Pending my appointment to Tony Estanguet's position as organizing committee head, let's get down to the practical details of how this would work: What sporting disciplines should be invented? Most importantly, how should we evaluate sexuality, much of which takes place inside the body – or even in the hazy world of emotions and feelings? Let me reassure you: An impartial competition is perfectly conceivable.

The most obvious idea would be to draw inspiration from the rules for gymnastics and figure skating: On the mat, alone, in pairs or groups, athletes would perform a series of compulsory moves and personal creations, evaluated according to their technical skill (their ability to give and receive pleasure) and artistic value (their ability to generate emotions and beauty). Thanks to their efforts, humankind would finally discover what the world's best fellatio, its fairest orgy, its wettest cunnilingus, and its most sensitive-nippled lover look like – but only for four years.

We could also add endurance (erection, masturbation) and muscle-building contests (as a quick Google search would tell you, some people have steel perineums, and can lift several kilos with their vagina or scrotum).

The more daring among you will no doubt want to watch something more aggressive, which is why these sexual Olympics should feature some combat sports – with different weight categories (pickle-weight, carrot-weight, banana-weight, eggplant-weight), specific positions (standing, sitting, lying down, on top, underneath), orgasm-based victories (the first to climax loses) and even knockouts by exhaustion. This fighting system would allow receptive partners to win most of the medals – which means that, for once, women would, on the face of it, have an advantage in mixed competitions (remember that the only reason men perform well in sport is because the scoring systems were designed for male bodies).

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