Take this test. Over drinks or dinner, start a conversation about exes, and the bond we have with our former lovers. Is it better to remain friends, or to cut ties? Inevitably, you'll end up hearing that, on this subject, "the world is divided in two." On one side, there are those who consider it unthinkable to continue seeing their ex-lover. End of relationship, end of shared history. What could we possibly have to do together now that love has died? Those diners on the other side will be wide-eyed. Why should we stop seeing someone we've been so close to, someone who meant so much to us?

Marie, 41, belongs to this second category. On a bright spring morning, she recounted her story while sipping coffee in her Munich apartment. Settled for over 10 years in Germany, where she teaches French, she separated from her German husband, Thomas, in 2019, because she met another man, Alexis. She remembers with complete amazement the reaction of so many of her relatives: "Suddenly, for them, Thomas became 'the ex.' They didn't understand that I was still seeing him. But why should someone you've been so intimate with disappear from your life? I think it's crazy."

With Thomas, Marie wasn't content with text messages for managing the care of their son Victor. Nor even with regular, warm conversations. No, Marie settled her ex into her daily life, and her future, without a moment's doubt. To Alexis, her new partner, she said straight out: "I have a son. And I have my son's dad." He accepted it, as one accepts an established fact: "Alexis quickly understood that the place Thomas had in my life was non-negotiable," said Marie.

An ideal of post-romantic life

But what kind of place are we talking about? "When I met Thomas, I knew he was going to be the love of my life. Today, he's my pillar, my best friend." When they were in love, Marie and Thomas argued a lot. When their son was born, Marie suffered pre-eclampsia that could have cost her her life; she was scared, and struggled with becoming a mother. "He was overjoyed. He didn't understand, even today. That was the beginning of the end of our relationship." A few years later, Marie met Alexis, a Frenchman, and fell in love with him. His personality was so different from Thomas's, calmer and more understated. She divorced and married Alexis, and then became pregnant with his child.

During her pregnancy, it was to Thomas that she confided her fear of dying in childbirth. Just as she calls him, often, when she has problems or doubts. "He's very tough, not tender at all," she explained. "With him, I manage to laugh about crappy situations. He doesn't try to flatter me in the slightest, and I need that." How does Alexis feel about this bond? Marie recalled that it took a while for everyone's roles to fall into place. At first, he felt insecure. It wasn't easy to come into a blended family where the ex knew everyone, while Alexis was fumbling around looking for stuff while the other guy knew where the cheese knives were. But what they did spoke for itself. They got married, had a daughter, built their own story. Alexis once told Marie that he could never be friends with Thomas. "I'm not asking you for that," she retorted. "All I want is for things to go well."

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