Juliette (all of the people talking about their experiences requested anonymity), blond bob and nose piercing, spent a good part of her teenage years watching episodes of Vampire Diaries and One Tree Hill – ultra-popular series in the 2000s, where the characters spend their time fervently undressing. As she discovered her own desires, she quickly realized that, in real life, sexuality was not always a terrain of absolute abandonment, leaving daily hassles behind. "I have endometriosis-related pain, perineal problems due to stress... My desire fluctuates, and forcing myself is not an option. With my two ex-boyfriends, we were almost sexless for years. Once I felt really comfortable, my libido would fade," recalled Juliette, in her 30s, who now works in publishing.
Right from the start of their relationship two years ago, Juliette warned her current boyfriend that her desire might one day erode: "He told me it wasn't a big deal, that we didn't have anything to prove," she said. Recently, she understood that she is not "abnormal" and is trying to accept the ups and downs in her libido. She has put aside penetration, which could cause her stress or pain. And she has learned to value other moments of shared pleasure just as much: "Finding good food from a caterer, eating while watching a movie at night, that can provide more security than sex," she assured us.
The 2000s saw the emergence of mass porn culture, with the arrival of major streaming platforms for amateur X-rated footage. At the dawn of the 2020s, an opposing discourse is emerging. More and more people are claiming the right to give up sex, whether temporarily or forever, either because they do not have a partner, their desire has run out or they simply want to focus their energy elsewhere. The Covid-19 years, marked by physical distancing, have come and gone: According to a poll by IFOP (the French Institute of Public Opinion) from February 2022, 43% of young people aged 15 to 24 did not have sex in 2021 – while that figure was only 25% in 2002. Moreover, by the time the second wave of lockdowns hit France in November 2020, the French were missing "affection and cuddles" far more than sex, according to another IFOP poll published in December 2020.
The quest for affection is taking precedence over carnal desires and some sexologists have noticed as much in their consultations, following the example of Magali Croset-Calisto, author of La Révolution du No Sex: Petit Traité d'Asexualité et d'Abstinence ("The no sex revolution: A small treatise on asexuality and abstinence"). In her practice, she is receiving more and more patients who come to confide in her about their sexual continence. "During our lifetimes, almost all of us go through phases of a lack of desire. The difference is that the younger generation tends to own it and claim it much more readily," the therapist said. In her opinion, over the last 10 years, men have consulted their therapists primarily to talk about performance anxiety, while women have sought help to overcome a drop in libido. Croset-Calisto lamented the fact that "many women in couples had a hard time coping with their lack of desire, because societal attitudes, including those of health professionals, were very stigmatizing: We are often taught that sex is life." According to the sexologist, "this movement of sexual degrowth is also a movement of resistance against patriarchal patterns of behavior. Sexuality is not necessarily a harmonious ground for well-being. In such cases, abstinence can be a movement of resistance in the face of unfulfilling, even traumatizing behavior."
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