In a photo posted on the Facebook group "Are We Dating the Same Guy? Paris Ile-de-France," a blond man is seen lounging on a boat, wearing a relaxed smile and sunglasses. The text description contrasts with the lazy atmosphere of the shot: "Hello everyone, have you met this guy? (...) Tony [name changed], French-American, does hypnosis to manipulate."

It was Charlotte (the witnesses interviewed for this article preferred to remain anonymous), a 28-year-old Parisian teacher, who wrote this message. She decided to speak out shortly after the end of her relationship with Tony, whom she met on Bumble in March. "When we first saw each other, he offered to hypnotize me to help me relax. Then it became a habit: He always hypnotized me before we slept together. I realized later that I wasn't fully conscious and that it was a form of abuse of weakness," she said in a blank voice.

Charlotte decided to break things off when she discovered that Tony was seeing two other women at the same time, following the same modus operandi. She still feels she has been "manipulated" by a "pervert." "This guy's fishing on the apps," she said, "and he's probably out preying on other girls. When I filed a complaint, the policeman told me I didn't have enough evidence. I want him to be reported, but I know I won't be able to do it through the courts, so I want it to spread by word of mouth," she said.

While doing some research on Facebook, Charlotte discovered the existence of the group "Are We Dating the Same Guy? Paris Ile-de-France." It's a private group where 850 women share their bad experiences with men they've met on apps like Tinder, Bumble or Hinge, often with supporting photos. The profiles range from an "deceptive and emotionally abusive" 30-something to the blond man who "makes dates without showing his face," to the smiling brown-haired man who "is dating 12 (yes 12) girls at the same time."

One woman after another offers stories of ghosting, assaults, cheating and difficult break-ups. The aim is to prevent inappropriate, misleading or violent behavior before a date with a stranger. Since the creation of the first such Facebook group in March 2022 in New York, similar groups have sprung up in South Africa, Spain, Australia, Canada and the United Kingdom.

'Interactions without witnesses'

Judith Duportail, author of Dating Fatigue. Amours et solitudes dans les années (20)20 ("Dating Fatigue: Love and Solitude in the (20)20s"), believes that these approaches testify to "all the violence of the dating world, the confusion it puts women in and what they have to put in place to protect themselves." According to the freelance journalist, these defensive strategies are of course the result of the #MeToo revolution, which has led to massive awareness of sexual and gender-based violence against women, but also the emergence of online dating, with these "interactions without witnesses" that lead "to putting yourself in danger more often."

You have 58.68% of this article left to read. The rest is for subscribers only.