HELL — Upon watching Hamas parade the bodies of murdered babies in celebration, Satan came away unsettled by the grotesque show of pure evil.

The Prince of Darkness, who took time away from torturing the damned to watch the procession, reportedly felt sick to his stomach.

"Good gracious, this is horrifying," said Satan, slack-jawed. "It's just so twisted and sick... it's honestly a little much for me. I'm a huge fan of evil and all, but this - I can't even watch."

According to sources, the Father of Lies tried to clear the images out of his head by going off to torment some heretics. "That was just so messed up, it really got to me," said Satan, breaking out a whip made of flame. "Those jerks totally ruined my appetite. Who does that? I need to go smack around a heretic for a bit, cleanse the palate so to speak."

At publishing time, Satan had begun special preparations for the imminent arrival of Hamas and their supporters.

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