BALTIMORE, MD — Local wife Leslie Parks bid her family a tearful goodbye after noticing a small dot on her shoulder that would undoubtedly prove to be terminal skin cancer.

"This is how it ends," wept Mrs. Parks to her husband. "I just want you to feel free to move on and marry again when this is all over."

Mrs. Parks quickly set about arranging her last will and testament, as well as calling for a priest to perform the last rites. "I want 'Amazing Grace' sung at my funeral," said Mrs. Parks. "Tell the children to always wear sunscreen! I can feel my soul already beginning to depart. Goodbye, cruel world!"

According to sources, this was the twenty-third time Mrs. Parks had diagnosed herself with some sort of terminal cancer. "Last month she announced she had pancreatic cancer, which turned out to be bloating from a Hot Pocket," said husband Kevin Parks. "She was so sure about that one, she ordered her own casket. That turned out to be a really expensive Hot Pocket."

At publishing time, Mrs. Parks had discovered that the deadly mole was actually just a mark from a Sharpie. Sadly, while cleaning the mark off, she found a knot in her skin which was sure to be lymphoma.

In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: