WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House has advised every American to reply "STOP" if they no longer wish to receive texts about upcoming military strikes from Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.

"We all hate spam. No one is disputing that," said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt during Wednesday's press briefing. "We understand the number of texts people are receiving about air strikes in Yemen has become a problem. So, the White House is making it easy to stop receiving these messages. Simply reply 'STOP' if you don't wish to see any more updates from Secretary Hegseth."

Hegseth has been under fire in recent weeks for allegedly texting military communications to reporters, family members, his barber, a local Target, and every American in the continental United States. Democrats have formally called on President Trump to fire Hegseth and search for a new defense secretary, but Trump appears hesitant.

"Pete's texting everybody. Everybody but me, apparently," said the President sadly. "I just want to know why. He can't leave until he explains why I wasn't on his little text chain."

At publishing time, Secretary Hegseth had accidentally texted Iran when he was going to bomb them, prompting the White House to advise Iranians to also opt out of all future text messages from the defense secretary.

Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.