HEAVEN — Watching as the last vestige of the nation he helped found crumbled, George Washington sighed and remarked that America still had gone on a pretty solid two-hundred-fifty year run.

"Not bad, gentleman," said Washington to a few other Founding Fathers. "It's sad to see it end, but we had a pretty epic couple of centuries there."

As the United States breathed its last, Washington opined on what he and the other Fathers could have done differently. "Maybe we should have added a few more instructions, like, ‘No, seriously, you can't infringe on the Bill of Rights, you jackwagons," said Washington. "Perhaps a few notes on the absolute need to teach Judeo-Christian morality, not allowing anti-Christian cultists to have power, or the President needing a few functioning neurons. Oh, well. Hindsight and all that."

At publishing time, Washington had reportedly consoled himself by remembering that he wouldn't have to spend eternity with the people who'd destroyed his nation.

We asked Trump to narrate 7 more famous historic battles, and the result was tremendous and magnificent. Everyone says so.