DAYTON, OH — A grown, adult male generally regarded as mentally sound pinned his entire emotional well-being for the next three days on a teenager who lives a thousand miles away kicking an oblong ball between sticks.

"So, it comes down to this," said Gary Lansing, his heart pounding. "Will I have peace in my soul and a gentle spirit, or will I be completely insufferable to my family and anyone who comes into contact with me? It's all on what this boy several states over does with his foot."

The game had already produced several highs and lows for Lansing, who had shouted with joy when a teenager somewhere threw a piece of leather to another teenager, and cursed in vicious anger when that same teenager threw the piece of leather to a guy wearing a different shirt. "This is the worst! I hate everything!" declared Lansing, only to see another young man in another city carry the little leather ball very quickly, bringing joy back to Lansing's innermost being.

At publishing time, the little ball had in fact gone between the little yellow sticks, restoring Lansing's hope in life and faith in goodness, at least until next weekend.

There's lots to be thankful for, libs!