WORLD — Recent reports indicated that Jesus died for sinners all over the planet, including this gentleman who was currently demolishing a Taco Bell Grilled Stuft Burrito, alone in the driver's seat of his 2003 Honda Civic.

Theologians confirmed that despite the man's unsightly spectacle, currently taking place in an empty parking lot at 3 PM, he was indeed an infinitely precious soul whom Christ died on the cross to save.

"Woah, that's crazy. I didn't know that," said one bystander upon hearing the news. "Can't say I would've done the same thing."

Sources confirmed that the God of the universe became flesh and took on the sins of the world, and as He hung on the cross, He still knew the name of the man who just dribbled a bit of nacho cheese on his threadbare t-shirt, scraped it off with a tortilla chip, and then ate it. Heavenly authorities claimed that the man's sins — past, present, and future — were covered by the blood of the Lamb who was slain.

"Dude, that's crazy," said another eyewitness. "God is cool."

Sources also confirmed that God had a glorious plan for the sanctification of the man's mind and heart, and would spend decades conforming him into the image of Christ.

Several others expressed skepticism at this claim after watching the man finish the burrito and immediately drive to Wendy's for a Frosty.

Desperate to win back male voters, Democrat strategists propose bold new ideas.