BENTONVILLE, AR — Walmart has introduced handy new "Mobility Cranes" in order to lift heavier shoppers in and out of their mobility scooters.

With more obese customers struggling to surmount the difficult climb onto the scooters, Walmart felt it was a time to "give shoppers a lift."

"The mobility crane can pluck our larger customers directly out of their vehicles and plop them right onto their scooter," said CEO Doug McMillen. "We have had so many instances of shoppers being unable to get both cheeks centered on the scooter, with disastrous results. Our highly-trained crane operators will ensure that center of gravity stays right on target."

According to sources, Walmart has already conducted a successful pilot program of the mobility cranes at some of its Louisiana locations. "Good night, they make 'em big down here," said crane operator Darryl Haskins. "It sure is a fun job though. It's like playing one of those crane games at the arcade, except the prize is a morbidly obese lady, and if you lose, they break a leg."

At publishing time, Walmart had reportedly begun testing an alternative "Mobility Catapult" for customers who could not park close enough to the crane.

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