U.S. — While the government has repeatedly insisted that no one is above the law, sources confirmed today that some people are, in fact, above the law.

Though the number appears to be rather small, the existence of people who live their lives completely above the law was confirmed today without a shadow of a doubt.

Few in America were surprised by the update, albeit appreciative of the final confirmation. "Duh," said local man Steve Jennings, in response to the news.

At publishing time, the government had returned to explaining how it was time to restore institutional norms and decency, especially ensuring that no one was above the law.

There's lots to be thankful for, libs!