U.S. — In the days following the assassination of Charlie Kirk, universities across the country were quietly canceling their "Kill Conservatives 101" classes.

Sources said these classes had been put on hold until they could be renamed and rebranded for the spring 2026 semester.

"We figured these classes might be frowned upon by some people, considering the circumstances," said gender studies professor Professor Xindi Mavis (she/them) of Utah Valley University. "We invite our students to enroll in some of our alternative classes, such as Communist Liberation 101 and Trans Furry Culture 101."

Some conservatives believed the prevalence of official university courses on how to kill conservatives may have led some students to kill conservatives. "We suspect there is a strong link here," said one conservative, who asked to remain anonymous so as not to be killed.

Several universities quietly confirmed that the course will be coming back next year under the more sensitively titled "Decolonizing An Oppressor's Face With A Gun 101."

At publishing time, universities had also quietly raised tuition by another 38%.

Tony asks questions about everything in his life. Is he a crazy conspiracy theorist?