MANCHESTER — The Crown Prosecution Service announced that charges had been filed against a Jewish synagogue on Thursday for provoking a violent terrorist attack against themselves by being openly Jewish.

A synagogue located in Manchester was the site of a deadly attack last week in which two people were killed and three others were injured. Authorities were acting quickly to punish those involved, including the synagogue and its members, for being openly Jewish.

"We have a zero tolerance policy for violent stabbing offenses," said Crown Prosecutor Henry Thomas. "That's why we have to punish these Jews for being so Jewish. It just incites more stabbings."

Authorities officially charged Heaton Park Hebrew Congregation Synagogue with incitement of violence and advanced displays of Jewry. If convicted, the synagogue will have to pay a hefty fine of £5,000 or 453,285 afghanis. In addition, Jews who refuse to sign an official apology could face up to five years in prison.

A defense barrister speaking on behalf of the synagogue was unable to get the charges dismissed because his clients are, in fact, quite Jewish.

"I don't know how we're going to win this one," Barrister Clyde Wrinkles said. "My clients are definitely Jews, and we have the Muslim stabber on video saying, 'I am stabbing you because you are Jews.'"

Prime Minister Keir Starmer said he hoped this case would prove a lesson to other Jews out there. "Think of all the stabbings that could be avoided if there were fewer Jews being Jewish," he said in a statement. "We could be living in a socialist utopia if it weren't for these Jews doing Jew things."

At publishing time, all Manchester Jews had been detained pending trial for their own safety.

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