HEAVEN — Individuals waiting in line to enter their eternal home were struck with fear, as they realized Saint Peter was asking everyone at the Pearly Gates to list five ways they advanced God's kingdom on earth.

The unexpected productivity check at Heaven's entrance sent those waiting for admittance into a quiet panic, with many people hastily attempting to come up with a quick list of things they had accomplished during their lives.

"Oh geez, really? You're kidding, right?" one exasperated man was heard asking Saint Peter. "Well, let's see. I went to church every Sunday, and I only left early when there was a football game. That counts, right? And I read the Bible. A lot of it, at least. Sometimes. How many is that? Two? I have to come up with three more? Aw, man. Can I go to the back of the line and think about it some more? I wasn't expecting this."

A representative from Heaven explained the new policy. "We need to make sure people are putting in at least some effort down there," a spokesangel said. "All they need to do is respond with a simple bulleted list of five things they did on earth to advance the cause of the Gospel. This shouldn't be difficult to do. We're just looking for the bare minimum here."

At publishing time, people waiting in line had been given a deadline of 1,000 years before their names would be stricken from the registry and they would be directed to proceed toward the "down" elevator.

Purchasing congresspeople has never been easier for lobbyists!