WASHINGTON, DC — President Donald Trump announced this week his administration plans on nationalizing as many private businesses and companies as possible in order to fight socialism.

Following the announcement that his administration is buying a large share in floundering tech company Intel, Trump defended the move by arguing the only way to fight socialism is for the government to buy up large portions of private businesses and nationalize them.

"We must seize the means of production, comrades!" Trump announced in a press conference earlier this week. "Only then will the worker truly be free. We must control the private companies in order to stop the spread of socialism. It makes perfect sense."

After facing mounting criticism over the buy-out, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent appeared on news programs to clarify the administration's motivations.

"You see, this isn't socialism because in socialism the workers control the means of production," Bessent explains. "When the government controls business entities, it's called laissez-faire economics. Oh wait…I might have switched a few things up in my head."

At publishing time, Trump announced the federal government would also be taking control of the airlines and railroads in an effort to promote the free market and halt the spread of communism in the United States.

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