WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump departed the White House today, with Air Force One scheduled to touch down at Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson (JBER) ahead of a historic meeting to broker a truce between humans and bears.

President Trump was reportedly optimistic that a deal could be reached to end thousands of years of bloodshed and bring lasting peace between the species.

"It'll be a huge deal," Trump told reporters before boarding Air Force One. "They've been tearing us to shreds and stealing our picnic baskets for too long. I don't like that. It makes me angry, to tell you the truth. And if they insist on eating us alive, they're going to be hit with sanctions so fast they won't even believe it."

Bears and humans have long been at odds, going as far back as recorded human history, but the matter became intensely personal for Americans when bears significantly hampered the vision of Manifest Destiny. According to historians, America may very well have annexed the entire world by now if it were not for bears.

"Bears are big, scary, and cunning," said Gary Smith, a park ranger at nearby Denali National Park and Reserve. "Trump needs to make a lot of noise and make himself look as large as possible when he meets with these bears."

Trump would reportedly be meeting with the Lord Ursa, the King of All Bears, whose throne sits in Siberia. "Grrraarrr," Lord Ursa reportedly said, expressing enthusiasm for peace.

At publishing time, Trump had noticed that all of his picnic baskets were missing and alerted the Pentagon to take America to Defcon 2.

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