WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the peace agreement between Israel and Hamas tentatively settled, President Donald Trump reportedly set his sights on quelling the longstanding unrest between Yankees and Red Sox fans.

"We're going to make a HISTORIC and TREMENDOUS deal that will unite these two fanbases and bring an end to this 3,000 YEAR CATASTROPHE," Trump said in a post to his Truth Social account. "THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!"

Yankees and Red Sox fans have been caught up in an intense rivalry since ancient times, fueled primarily by their vastly different demographics. The largely blue-collar Bostonians were always idealistically opposed to white-collar New Yorkers, and vice versa. As a result, previous presidents believed peace was impossible between the two warring factions.

According to Trump, however, the curse of the Bambino was broken years ago when the Red Sox finally won the World Series in 2004, and there's no reason to keep fighting. "They've been fighting long enough. People are dying!" he said, responding angrily to reporters who expressed doubt about his ability to make a deal. "And I will not let Boston annex New York. Not going to happen. I'm here to stop the killing. We must have peace!"

At publishing time, Donald Trump had been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for creating a world in which the Yankees and the Red Sox could play each other without bloodshed.

Liberal Brynnleigh witnesses a communist utopia in action!