With just a few days to inauguration, President-elect Donald Trump is preparing to sign a slew of day-one executive orders that will begin making America great again. Here is an exclusive first look at what Trump has planned:
An executive order granting himself unlimited executive orders: How has no one else thought of this?
McDonald's must keep the McRib on the menu all year: We are SO BACK.
A 6-foot sign saying "you must be this tall to enter" will be placed at the southern border: Immigration, solved.
J.D. Vance has to stop wearing eyeliner: It's so distracting.
All current children's television programming will be canceled and replaced with Legends Of The Hidden Temple: Thank you, sir.
The U.S. will no longer recognize Norway as a country: Not for any reason, just because we can.
All women will be required to lose ten pounds by swimsuit season: Honestly, this one's pretty sexist, but okay.
In lieu of the National Anthem, everyone must do the "YMCA" before any sporting event: So much greatness.
Serving veggie burgers will now be a capital offense: Good-bye, low T.
Whoopi Goldberg will be separated from her husband and assigned a white man to marry: She tried to warn us.
Get excited, folks. This is just the first step in making America great again.
Trump had laid out his plan to absorb Canada and rename it to something better.