WASHINGTON, D.C. — Tensions from the ongoing trade war showed signs of potentially easing up, with President Donald Trump agreeing to end tariffs on China in exchange for their Kung Fu masters teaching him the "Death Touch."

Experts hailed the tentative agreement as a huge win for the Trump administration, as the Chinese have been notoriously reluctant over the centuries to divulge knowledge of the deadly move to any outsiders.

"It's the deadliest move of all time, and I'm going to know it," Trump told reporters in the Oval Office after the news broke. "Have you ever seen it? It's tremendous. I saw it in Kill Bill. And the Batman cartoon, also. You just touch a guy with your finger, and he drops dead. The Chinese know all about it. They teach it in the Kung Fu temples. If they want me to drop the tariffs, they're going to teach me. Everyone will know not to mess with me, believe me."

A spokesman for the Chinese Communist Party refused to confirm or deny the report. "It is not our policy to comment on ancient Chinese secrets," said Wang Bao. "It is our hope that we can come to a suitable agreement with the United States regarding these excessive tariffs. We are prepared to fly our best Kung Fu masters to Washington, D.C., to provide Mr. Trump with the knowledge he seeks… if we believe the agreement is fair. The last thing we want is to teach him the ‘Death Touch' without guarantees that it will not be used against us."

At publishing time, Trump was reportedly playing hardball by also demanding that China provide the secret recipe for General Tso's Chicken.

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