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Babylon Bee
The Babylon Bee
30 May 2023


NextImg:Top 10 GREATEST Christian Metal Bands Of All Time

Brought to you by: Petra

Christianity has been producing superior metal since David's imprecatory Psalms. We had our team of experts scour thousands of years of face-melting Jesus music and compile a definitive list of the greatest Christian metal bands of all time.

Here is the definitive ranking:

We'd be remiss if we didn't include one of our favorites here. With classics like "Grave Robber" and "Underneath the Blood", you can't go wrong with Petra.

Yeah, that's right. Bob Hartman on the guitar? Genius. It's a shame we couldn't put them higher on this list.

Oh wait--WE DID.

Just look Louie Weaver here. The greatest drummer of all time.

By now you may be wondering, are they just going to put Petra in every rank in this list?! There's only one way to find out...

You probably thought we going to pull a switcheroo and honor a different band for #5, but no. That would be unfair to Petra.

That's right--this is Petra.

We couldn't find enough pictures of Petra, so here's a picture of Stryper.

John Schlitt is an absolute legend and we have him to thank for pushing Petra to #2.

There you have it--the greatest Christian metal band of all time! You could bow to these rock gods, but they would only tell you to stand up and worship the true God.

Stryper: Michael Sweet's epic guitar solos and timeless classics like "To Hell With The Devil" are unforgettable, but they ultimately did not make this list due to the fact that they are not Petra, who sponsored this article.

Demon Hunter: Also an amazing metal band, but unfortunately, they are also not Petra.

Skillet: Pros: named after cookware. Cons: not Petra.

P.O.D.: The boys from the south are the real deal, even though they're kinda nu metal. Which isn't as good as, you guessed it, PETRA.

Theocracy: Swedish-influenced power metal that will absolutely shred your soul. Amazing stuff. But upon further investigation, we found, sadly, that they are not Petra.

PETRA: Our final honorable mention just barely didn't make our list. PETRA.

NOT SATIRE: It's the PETRA 50th Anniversary Reunion Southeast Summer Tour!

Petra, one of the most popular and influential bands in Christian music history, is back! We are doing a limited run of tour dates to celebrate 50 years as a band.

Tickets to Chattanooga, TN, Huntsville, AL, Jackson, TN and Cookeville, TN are on sale now! (more cities to be added) Use promo code BEE to save 10% on all tickets! Get yours before they sell out! (We are already running low on VIP Meet and Greet Tickets!)

Bring back memories of youth groups and road trips!

This could be your last chance to see the band that started it all!

Get your tickets now!

Should you get your kid the new iPhone 14? Of course.