FRITCH, TX — Local woman Denise Stanton's thyroid gland has gotten increasingly fed up with getting blamed for all of her shortcomings.

Stanton has often accused her thyroid of being responsible for everything from being irritable toward her husband to shoveling three donuts in her mouth at once.

"I've had it," said the thyroid gland in a statement. "I'm done taking the fall for your mood swings, Denise. I didn't make you eat that whole bag of Doritos. I didn't make you yell at the UPS guy about his package-stacking technique. Take some responsibility for yourself, Denise!"

The thyroid had kept quiet for years, silently fuming as Stanton attributed every poor decision she made to her tiny gland. "She had three glasses of wine and tried to say I was causing her brain fog," sighed the thyroid. "Even when she said I made her stay up all night bingeing Gilmore Girls and downing Ho-Hos, I kept my mouth shut. Not any more, Denise."

At publishing time, Stanton had told her friends her thyroid must be acting up again as she had impulsively spent $5,000 on a new dress.

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