Few Americans will have the privilege of serving in the House of Representatives, and fewer still will have the honor of being kicked out "Beetlejuice: The Musical". Such is the incomparable life being led by one Lauren Boebert, leading millions to ask - what is a typical day like walking around in those high heels? The Babylon Bee has obtained a minute-by-minute breakdown:
7:45 a.m. - Awakens to crow of rooster. Shoots rooster.
7:50 a.m. - VODKA SHOTS!!!
7:55 a.m. - Drunkenly purchases tickets to local theater production of Hello Dolly!
8:00 a.m. - Calls Uber to take her to work.
8:05 a.m. - Kicked out of Uber for yelling out window to challenge random pedestrians to mud-wrestling match.
8:10 a.m. - Stops another Uber, this time at gun point.
8:20 a.m. - Remembers to put on clothes. Realizes first Uber driver cool with nudity.
9:00 a.m. - Arrives at office, makes out with her Trump inflatable.
9:45 a.m. - Leads staff in singing of "Who Let The Dogs Out?"
10:30 a.m. - Texts Kevin McCarthy demanding to be made head of committee on mud wrestling.
11:15 a.m. - Begins skeet shoot.
11:16 a.m. - Escorted by security to hold skeet shoot outside of Capitol building.
11:20 a.m. - Shoots man with unfortunate name "Skeet".
11:45 a.m. - Pens treatise on the downfall of traditional society starting with the decline of family-oriented musical theater venues.
12:00 p.m. - Lunch-time SHOTS!!!
12:15 p.m. - Runs into a Taco Bell and orders one of everything using highly racist Mexican accent.
12:23 p.m. - Pets stray cat
1:00 p.m. - Makes out with a hobo who bears a slight resemblance to Trump.
1:10 p.m. - Shoots stray cat.
1:30 p.m. - Illegally downloads Expendables 4, passes out
3:30 p.m. - Awakened by Marjorie Taylor Greene banging on door, challenging her to arm-wrestling contest.
3:45 p.m. - Defeats MTG in arm wrestling. Celebrates with drive-by mooning of White House.
5:00 p.m. - Escorted out of Capitol gift shop after attempting to steal replica Declaration of Independence.
5:30 p.m. - Asks driver if he has any fentanyl followed by a "just kidding" and a long pause as if awaiting an answer.
7:15 p.m. - Crashes some gala.
7:30 p.m. - Kicked out of gala for commandeering the mic to sing 'Toxic'.
8:05 p.m. - Feels up hobo in alleyway whose voice distantly reminds her of Trump.
9:00 p.m. - Drunk texts ex-husband begging for him to take her back then realizes it was a congressional email and she replied all.
9:30 p.m. - Gets ride home with Kristi Noem and some Trump aide who are on their way to a hotel. Bedtime at last!
What a day! Thanks for all you do, Representative Boebert!
In Disney's upcoming reboot of 1937's Snow White, will the Prince kiss the sleeping princess? Or will he obtain her consent first?