U.S. — Public schools in the U.S. are continuing to decline as performance and test scores reach record lows. Many are blaming this phenomenon on a lack of teachers in the classrooms since most of them have been beaten unconscious by students.

"Yeah, I was gonna prep my class for their state test this week, but I got sucker-punched by one of my students who then proceeded to kick my head," said high-school teacher Fran Mardle. "Now I'm stuck in the ICU getting stitches. Oh well... what ya gonna do?"

Experts say teachers are increasingly in danger of being beaten to a pulp by young fatherless men raised in a nihilistic culture on fast food, video games, pornography, and violence, which they say can inhibit one's ability to teach a class full of kids. Current estimates claim 9 out of 10 teachers are unable to teach due to being in the hospital.

At publishing time, studies had shown a million more parents had elected to homeschool in the past week.

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