PRINCETON, NJ — According to a new study, researchers have confirmed that approximately 98% of all parenting is just deciding if what they're hearing is "good screaming" or "bad screaming."

According to Dr. Brent Wayde, who conducted interviews and polls with thousands of parents across the nation, the vast majority of navigating child-rearing boils down to being able to tell whether or not the screams emanating from the next room indicated joyful playing or a painful injury.

"We found that the best parents were those who were able to correctly distinguish between a child's shouts of joy and unbridled rage," Wayde said. "It's often hard to tell the difference between screaming for ice cream and screaming because blood has been spilled, but seasoned parents develop the skill."

Local mother Becky Hunter confirmed the results of the study. "Yeah, it checks out," Hunter said, casually ignoring her kids roaring at each other over who got the good Xbox controller. "That? Oh, yeah, they're fine — wait a minute."

Hunter then expertly determined that one of the kids had gotten punched and had to run to administer first aid and justice for the aggrieved party.

At publishing time, another study had found that the remaining two percent of parenting was telling the kids that it was fine with you but they needed to go check it with their other parent.

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