NASHVILLE, TN — In a stunning change to the bylaws that have served as the bedrock for the denomination for decades, the Southern Baptist Convention voted to lift its longstanding ban on sex after marriage.

The move came after mounting pressure from congregants who wanted to enjoy the benefits of married life within the confines of God's prescribed order, with SBC leadership coming around to agree that married couples should, in fact, be allowed to have sex.

"After extensive study, we've concluded that God probably didn't mean for marriage to be a passionless contract of mutual chore endurance," said SBC President Clint Pressley, nervously adjusting his tie. "We're calling it ‘The Great Reawakening.' It's like the Great Awakening, but with romantic lighting and Barry White."

The official resolution, dubbed "Be Fruitful and Don't Be Weird About It," passed with a narrow 51% vote after a coalition of younger pastors argued that marital intimacy could be "not sinful" and possibly even "nice." Traditionalists, however, were outraged. "This is a slippery slope to holding hands in public!" shouted one disappointed deacon. "What's next? Public displays of affection? Lord, have mercy on this wicked generation."

SBC-affiliated congregations throughout the country were said to already be adapting. First Baptist Church of Pascagoula, Mississippi, announced on its Facebook page that it would be hosting a "Date Night Seminar" featuring icebreaker activities and a PowerPoint presentation titled "Song of Solomon: It's Not Just About Gardening."

At publishing time, critics warned that this could lead to further liberalization, like allowing dancing or non-alcoholic beer.

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