LEE'S SUMMIT, MO — As people across the nation prepared to celebrate the 4th of July holiday, one sorry excuse for an American revealed he had yet to blow off a single finger with fireworks.

Sources close to 39-year-old Ben Malick said that they were unable to confirm whether or not he was actually a citizen of the United States due to the fact that he had not lost any of his digits in a horrific fireworks accident.

"Can anyone with all 10 fingers really consider themselves an American?" asked one of his friends. "It just calls everything into question. I've known him most of my life, but I hadn't taken the time to look at his fingers. Once I noticed that he's not missing any, it really made me wonder just how ‘American' he can be. No self-respecting American makes it through the 4th of July without losing a phalange or two."

Malick remained adamant that he was as American as baseball and apple pie, despite having not lost a single finger to fireworks. "I promise I'm a real American, ok?" he protested. "I have a birth certificate. I've voted in every election since I turned 18. I'm a business owner, for crying out loud. Just because I enjoy fireworks responsibly and haven't permanently maimed myself doesn't mean I'm not an American."

At publishing time, though family and friends remained skeptical, Malick said he intended to enjoy the Independence Day celebration with some fun fireworks — and hopefully come away unscathed once again.

These British police officers are keeping the streets safe from dangerous weapons.